it's a good day for reflection today. It's the last day of the year, time to look back and see what worked and what didn't. It's not been the easiest of years. I am more in debt than I was this time last year, I am back on the anti-depressants, I'm back to waking at 3am or earlier and counting down the minutes until I can reasonably get up, I'm worried about a lot of things..........
But there are good things too. I have an engagement ring. al and I have spoken about finances and some other aspects of marriage that were bugging me. I have tackled the major issues with my food relationship and I'm dealing with them - not brilliantly, but I am dealing with them.
I have plans for 2012, but they will wait for tomorrow. For today, I want to look what I have learned from 2011.
1) My feet don't owe me anything, but when they don't work, I suffer both mentally and physically. I've been having serious problems with my feet since June and it's not really getting any better. This means that a lot of the coping strategies I'd put in place for things aren't there any more so I need to find others. I've tried some, with varying degrees of success, but I need to have a look at more.
2) My eating says a lot about my mental state. it's been out of control and it's really hard for me to admit that. It's not even eating the wrong stuff, it's eating things I know I don't really want, but can't be bothered with alternatives. I know what I need to do - draw a line in the sand - and tonight is that line.
3) My personal hygiene is suffering big time with the depression this time. I'm going days without showering and currently my hair resembles a grease factory. This isn't me, but it is the depression. Another line to be drawn in the sand tomorrow. A daily shower might not be a major issue for most people, but for me at this time it really is. Who knew washing was such a big signal!!!
4) When I feel out of control in one area, I deliberately let go control in others. This isn't the best of ideas and I know I'm doing it most of the time, but when I do, I just don't care. I couldn't care less that I'm leaving myself without money for a month when I splash out on big purchases. I couldn't care less that I'm doing myself harm when I stuff my face with something or other. I just don't care. It's like the teenager inside me is saying, 'Screw you' to the world and rebelling against.....well.....me......
It's hard to admit that I'm rebelling against myself, but I have plans.
So overall 2011, not the best year. Nothing catastrophic and maybe I'm a Moaning Minnie for worrying about stuff like this when there were earthquakes, tsunami, nuclear problems, famine, drought, economical collapse, riots and all the rest - but this is my blog not a world blog :)
2012 will be better!!!!
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Monday, 19 December 2011
Great weekend but now I'm tired......
OK there was lots of positivity over the weekend but most of it was very tiring. I had a great time with my darlin fiance - we went out with his work colleagues cos they're now closed for Christmas and I felt great in my lace top and red vest.
I got up on Sat and did some shopping, met a friend for lunch, received a bottle of champagne(!!!!!) on account of being 'properly' engaged now, had a great chat with said friend and came home to watch telly with Al all night. Got up Sunday, tidied the kitchen for Al, did some last minute shopping then went to a friend's for dinner where we had some gorgeous beef, broccoli and tartiflette. I've never had it before but check this out and you'll see why it tastes soooo good.......I may have to experiment with this.
In other good news - I have my Christmas shopping done - and then some. I have tomorrow free to do my wrapping. I have a friend coming over on Wednesday that I haven't seen in 18months cos she's currently living in Malaysia......well until October anyway. Then she'll be off somewhere else. So tomorrow night is packing, wrapping and preparing the house for the week I'll be away.
Right now, I want to get some water cos I have a headache and it's pretty much time for bed. But it was a good weekend. A really good weekend.
I got up on Sat and did some shopping, met a friend for lunch, received a bottle of champagne(!!!!!) on account of being 'properly' engaged now, had a great chat with said friend and came home to watch telly with Al all night. Got up Sunday, tidied the kitchen for Al, did some last minute shopping then went to a friend's for dinner where we had some gorgeous beef, broccoli and tartiflette. I've never had it before but check this out and you'll see why it tastes soooo good.......I may have to experiment with this.
In other good news - I have my Christmas shopping done - and then some. I have tomorrow free to do my wrapping. I have a friend coming over on Wednesday that I haven't seen in 18months cos she's currently living in Malaysia......well until October anyway. Then she'll be off somewhere else. So tomorrow night is packing, wrapping and preparing the house for the week I'll be away.
Right now, I want to get some water cos I have a headache and it's pretty much time for bed. But it was a good weekend. A really good weekend.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Somehow I've managed to lend out my flat this weekend
So I'm a bit terrified now. I'm going to start right now by bagging up the rubbish and then I'm going to move on to hide all inappropriate material from view. As in -chucking it all in a suitcase and throwing it under the bed. That's the quickest way.
I then need to do the washing up for the last week, hoover, change the bed (thankfully the spare bed has clean sheets on it) put away the clean laundry and do a load tonight so there's a hope of having clothes dry for Friday morning when I'll have to put them away, order dinner cos I'm not cooking tonight, clean the bathroom, have a shower and go to bed.
On the plus side, I will be knackered tonight going to bed so that means a good nights sleep. On the down side, it's a lot of work. Still and all, it could be worse and it's nice to help people out. Plus it means I will actually come home to a nice tidy flat on Sunday :)
OK so positivity.
1. I got into work early today
2. I got my car back!!!!
3. I'm pretty much caught up in uni work now.
4. I got some nice comments on my work.
5. I brought in some biccies for the lads today and they enjoyed them.
6. I felt good offering my flat to the girls in work.
7. I remembered to get a key cut tonight so they can have a key tomorrow.
8. I don't actually have too much hard work ahead of me and it's all doable tonight which leaves tomorrow night to chill out a bit.
9. I managed to sort out a problem in work.
10. Phew made it to ten!!!
So, big black bin bag about to be brought out and everything bagged up and sorted. And oh, I think my throat is coming down with something - it's really sore. paracetemol here I come!!!
I then need to do the washing up for the last week, hoover, change the bed (thankfully the spare bed has clean sheets on it) put away the clean laundry and do a load tonight so there's a hope of having clothes dry for Friday morning when I'll have to put them away, order dinner cos I'm not cooking tonight, clean the bathroom, have a shower and go to bed.
On the plus side, I will be knackered tonight going to bed so that means a good nights sleep. On the down side, it's a lot of work. Still and all, it could be worse and it's nice to help people out. Plus it means I will actually come home to a nice tidy flat on Sunday :)
OK so positivity.
1. I got into work early today
2. I got my car back!!!!
3. I'm pretty much caught up in uni work now.
4. I got some nice comments on my work.
5. I brought in some biccies for the lads today and they enjoyed them.
6. I felt good offering my flat to the girls in work.
7. I remembered to get a key cut tonight so they can have a key tomorrow.
8. I don't actually have too much hard work ahead of me and it's all doable tonight which leaves tomorrow night to chill out a bit.
9. I managed to sort out a problem in work.
10. Phew made it to ten!!!
So, big black bin bag about to be brought out and everything bagged up and sorted. And oh, I think my throat is coming down with something - it's really sore. paracetemol here I come!!!
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Two days in.......
Positivity first.
1. I woke up on time.
2. I got out of bed.
3. I finally checked my bank account.
4. It wasn't as bad as I feared.
5. My car is ready to be picked up.
6. The sun is shining.
7. I'm wearing my purple cardigan today which makes me smile.
8. I didn't order dominos last night.
9. My Christmas shopping is pretty much done.
10. I've made it to ten.
On to the rest of me then. I'm finding it difficult to get into the positivity way of thinking right now. I have several things I need to get my head around, a major one is that a simple thing like getting out of bed on time or making sure I have breakfast actually can make a large difference to my day. It's not so much that these things make or break the day it's that starting the day on the right foot makes a difference in all sorts of way. So getting out of bed, having clothes ready for myself, getting breakfast ready the night before – all help make the morning go a bit smoother and a bit easier, leading to lower stress levels later on in the day. Of course the next thing I need to do is to organise my food a bit better.
The porridge isn't working as well as it used to. At least, I'm left hungry at 9am and then don't want to eat at lunch time. I'm having 70g of porridge every morning and I'm still hungry a few hours later. That's not good. Not good at all. I need to get some protein in the mornings I think. Perhaps sausages? It really doesn't appeal, not at all, but neither do eggs or any of the other things people generally have at breakfast. I think I need to research 'breakfasts around the world' or something to get into the place where breakfast becomes more than a stopgap again. There's a good way to spend an afternoon in work............
I need to get to the chemist to get some more pills as well – I'm pretty much out and want to restock in plenty of time before Christmas. I will do that today maybe, after I pick up my car. Simple thing to do. I need to sort out what I'm doing at Christmas as well – get things sorted for Al and things. All well and good I suppose.
OK back to work. I feel really sleepy, but coffee isn't working – possibly fresh air might??
Monday, 12 December 2011
Exhaustion
Yesterday was a complete write-off. A late night, well an early night really, but a fairly drunken one on Saturday meant yesterday added up to pretty much nothing aside from a pizza in bed at about 2pm and a very very early night.
Today - I'm knackered. The car is still in the garage so I'm getting a lift from one of the lads in work - but he starts work half hour earlier than me and finishes half hour later than me so it adds up to an hour extra in work a day. And that is exhausting. On the plus side, I managed to almost caught up on my OU work and with a bit of effort I will be properly caught up by the end of the week.
I've logged my food today - although i'm still hungry, even though I'm 400cals over what I should be. I feel good about the food though. Plus if I get on the rebounder for a bit now, I will get warm, might wake up a bit and generally feel better about myself. Since I'm already wearing my sports bra there's no real obstacle, plus there's Mike and Molly on the telly so I will be entertained.
So - water, then rebounder, then probably, sadly, bed. I have a lot going for me right now, I'm in a good place. So I really am happy - I jsut have to convince myself of that.
Positivity
1. I got up on time
2. I had a shower before work.
3. I was on time for my lift.
4. I brought some lunch with me.
5. I logged all my food today.
6. I changed my loss weight to tie in with the docs recommendations.
7. I got the KPIs done in work.
8. I coped with the day even though things were tough and there were no electricians in.
9. I made polite conversation to and from work today.
10. I made it to ten!!! That was tough!!
Today - I'm knackered. The car is still in the garage so I'm getting a lift from one of the lads in work - but he starts work half hour earlier than me and finishes half hour later than me so it adds up to an hour extra in work a day. And that is exhausting. On the plus side, I managed to almost caught up on my OU work and with a bit of effort I will be properly caught up by the end of the week.
I've logged my food today - although i'm still hungry, even though I'm 400cals over what I should be. I feel good about the food though. Plus if I get on the rebounder for a bit now, I will get warm, might wake up a bit and generally feel better about myself. Since I'm already wearing my sports bra there's no real obstacle, plus there's Mike and Molly on the telly so I will be entertained.
So - water, then rebounder, then probably, sadly, bed. I have a lot going for me right now, I'm in a good place. So I really am happy - I jsut have to convince myself of that.
Positivity
1. I got up on time
2. I had a shower before work.
3. I was on time for my lift.
4. I brought some lunch with me.
5. I logged all my food today.
6. I changed my loss weight to tie in with the docs recommendations.
7. I got the KPIs done in work.
8. I coped with the day even though things were tough and there were no electricians in.
9. I made polite conversation to and from work today.
10. I made it to ten!!! That was tough!!
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Two posts in one day...
.....maybe I'm ill :) Well ok, I'm not ill, I'm just sat on the couch waiting for Al to wake up so we can go get something to eat. I'm STARVING. Still, we might go somewhere nice :)
So what am I blathering on about? Nothing really, just all these thoughts in my head and I need to spill them out somewhere. Aren't ye lucky to have chanced across this page? I have an idea for a story and I want to write it out but I think it might do for an assignment that's due over Christmas. I'm just not sure if the genre is course-friendly. Do tutors like vampires? Who knows. I mean this tutor liked my first efforts enough to award an 85 but that was pretty straight forward, autobiographical type stuff. That was easy. This is pure fantasy - in all senses of the world. But it is a tale itching to be told.
I think I'll write it then worry about the assignment afterwards. I can always bring up another story for an assignment. There's always time for another story right? Can vampires be mainstream? I mean Anne Rice, Laurrell K Hamilton, and all those others don't really have a narrow reading audience, do they? Bram Stoker is recognised as one of the great classics. So vampires can be classic as well as modern. Or would it be better to hint at the vampirism and not let it get in the way of a good story? Is a story still as good without the twist a vampire could add?
Bloody brain - life would be so much simpler if I didn't overthink things!!!
Right, I'm off to write this thing and worry bout everything else later!
So what am I blathering on about? Nothing really, just all these thoughts in my head and I need to spill them out somewhere. Aren't ye lucky to have chanced across this page? I have an idea for a story and I want to write it out but I think it might do for an assignment that's due over Christmas. I'm just not sure if the genre is course-friendly. Do tutors like vampires? Who knows. I mean this tutor liked my first efforts enough to award an 85 but that was pretty straight forward, autobiographical type stuff. That was easy. This is pure fantasy - in all senses of the world. But it is a tale itching to be told.
I think I'll write it then worry about the assignment afterwards. I can always bring up another story for an assignment. There's always time for another story right? Can vampires be mainstream? I mean Anne Rice, Laurrell K Hamilton, and all those others don't really have a narrow reading audience, do they? Bram Stoker is recognised as one of the great classics. So vampires can be classic as well as modern. Or would it be better to hint at the vampirism and not let it get in the way of a good story? Is a story still as good without the twist a vampire could add?
Bloody brain - life would be so much simpler if I didn't overthink things!!!
Right, I'm off to write this thing and worry bout everything else later!
Another early morning
I think it's cos Al takes over most of the bed when he comes to bed late.......like right now, he's lying diagonally across the bed and I can't move him at all......So I'm up watching catch up tv (Thank you Virgin!)
And I'm thinking. So I had a chat with my adoptive mother last night who is worried and who gave me ideas for sorting my head out. I need to start back on my positivity again. So I'm starting again this morning.
1. I went to bed and slept for 8hours.
2. I had dinner last night even though Al didn't.
3. I had a health dinner last night.
4. I managed to get the laundry done.
5. I put the bins out.
6. I cleared off the couch so Al had somewhere to sit.
7. Despite being terrified, I dealt with the wasp.
8. I didn't get stressed just cos Al was tired.
9. I rang the garage and made sure my car was ok.
10. I aired out the bedroom and the kitchen yesterday.
So all in all a good day really, no reason for me to be down. Plus now I'm going to put on the sports bra and go on the rebounder while catching up on Him and Her - which is actually scarily true to life and very funny.
Today is going to be another good day. I've decided.
And I'm thinking. So I had a chat with my adoptive mother last night who is worried and who gave me ideas for sorting my head out. I need to start back on my positivity again. So I'm starting again this morning.
1. I went to bed and slept for 8hours.
2. I had dinner last night even though Al didn't.
3. I had a health dinner last night.
4. I managed to get the laundry done.
5. I put the bins out.
6. I cleared off the couch so Al had somewhere to sit.
7. Despite being terrified, I dealt with the wasp.
8. I didn't get stressed just cos Al was tired.
9. I rang the garage and made sure my car was ok.
10. I aired out the bedroom and the kitchen yesterday.
So all in all a good day really, no reason for me to be down. Plus now I'm going to put on the sports bra and go on the rebounder while catching up on Him and Her - which is actually scarily true to life and very funny.
Today is going to be another good day. I've decided.
Friday, 9 December 2011
I'm cowering in the corridor
There's a wasp in my living room. A giant wasp. Well a bloody big one anyway. It's DECEMBER!!!! Shouldn't I be safe from wasps in December???? So Al will hopefully be here before my laptop battery runs out. Thankfully there's a glass door between the living room and corridor so I can still watch telly, but with that giant thing flying around, I'm not risking going back in there without backup.
The down side to this is I'm realising how much dust there is in here. I will have to clean tomorrow.
Today was my day off from work so naturally I spent most of it sleeping. I don't think I even managed to take my meds today - something I will do now. I woke up (finally) at 4:20pm. I honestly think it's boredom as much as anything else - i don't like not having people around, for all I claim to like my own company. Plus I didn't bothering showering til I knew Al was on his way, even though I absolutely stank. It's scary how much I'm not caring about things like that right now - all signs of depression of course, but I worry bout things like that. Still al's here now so I'll ruminate more later!!!
And I'm back. Al's in a grumpy mood cos he's tired so he's gone to get some wine and some fresh air and probably a fag as well. The wasp has disappeared - of course it has once I have someone to deal with the horrible thing.
OK the depression. My house isn't as bad as it has been and I have at least caught up on laundry and there's only 3days of washing up to do. That's ok and dealable with in a few mins in the morning. I need to sort out the study table again but again that's ok. I'll do some writing tonight trying to either get something out of my system or else something useful for my next assignment. Either way, it will be something. As for the depression? I've got my super-sports bra on so I can do some reboundering later and I've taken my meds. Both very good things. This will also make me clear off the rebounder and warm me up. I'm trying not to turn on the heat in the hopes of sending the wasp back to hibernation. Fingers crossed :)
The down side to this is I'm realising how much dust there is in here. I will have to clean tomorrow.
Today was my day off from work so naturally I spent most of it sleeping. I don't think I even managed to take my meds today - something I will do now. I woke up (finally) at 4:20pm. I honestly think it's boredom as much as anything else - i don't like not having people around, for all I claim to like my own company. Plus I didn't bothering showering til I knew Al was on his way, even though I absolutely stank. It's scary how much I'm not caring about things like that right now - all signs of depression of course, but I worry bout things like that. Still al's here now so I'll ruminate more later!!!
And I'm back. Al's in a grumpy mood cos he's tired so he's gone to get some wine and some fresh air and probably a fag as well. The wasp has disappeared - of course it has once I have someone to deal with the horrible thing.
OK the depression. My house isn't as bad as it has been and I have at least caught up on laundry and there's only 3days of washing up to do. That's ok and dealable with in a few mins in the morning. I need to sort out the study table again but again that's ok. I'll do some writing tonight trying to either get something out of my system or else something useful for my next assignment. Either way, it will be something. As for the depression? I've got my super-sports bra on so I can do some reboundering later and I've taken my meds. Both very good things. This will also make me clear off the rebounder and warm me up. I'm trying not to turn on the heat in the hopes of sending the wasp back to hibernation. Fingers crossed :)
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Half way through the week
OK so it's tuesday night already. And it's 10 days til payday. I have no cash left and I'm depending purely on the credit card for the next ten days. On the plus side, I have plenty of food left.
Anyway, on the good side of things.....I managed a few good activities for my OU work in work today. I managed not to strangle someone in work. I cooked myself dinner tonight. I did the washing up tonight. I did 20mins rebounder last night and I am going to do the same tonight. I feel tired tonight but I will read the next chapter of the Challenging Obesity book.
Weight wise, things aren't going very well - I'm not filling in my food diary and I'm not really paying attention to my diet other than trying to make sure I'm full........and using chocolate as a coping mechanism.
My eyes feel tired tonight but I need to stay awake until after half 9 cos one of the lads may or may not be ringing me from night shift. It's great being a manager sometimes.
I know, nothing much to report, but little things like having a shower last night and doing the washing up tonight......it all adds up - all the little things make up the big things. So the plan is to finish watching the Big Bang Theory and then do my 20mins on the rebounder and then do some reading for the OU work and then do tonight's washing up and then go to bed.
My mouth feels kinda tingly after dinner - I wonder should I be worried??
Anyway, on the good side of things.....I managed a few good activities for my OU work in work today. I managed not to strangle someone in work. I cooked myself dinner tonight. I did the washing up tonight. I did 20mins rebounder last night and I am going to do the same tonight. I feel tired tonight but I will read the next chapter of the Challenging Obesity book.
Weight wise, things aren't going very well - I'm not filling in my food diary and I'm not really paying attention to my diet other than trying to make sure I'm full........and using chocolate as a coping mechanism.
My eyes feel tired tonight but I need to stay awake until after half 9 cos one of the lads may or may not be ringing me from night shift. It's great being a manager sometimes.
I know, nothing much to report, but little things like having a shower last night and doing the washing up tonight......it all adds up - all the little things make up the big things. So the plan is to finish watching the Big Bang Theory and then do my 20mins on the rebounder and then do some reading for the OU work and then do tonight's washing up and then go to bed.
My mouth feels kinda tingly after dinner - I wonder should I be worried??
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Pizza for breakfast
Not even last night's cold leftovers either - i got up this morning and cooked myself breakfast in the form of goats cheese and vegetable pizza. Then I went back to bed.
On the plus side, I ate breakfast which is good. Then I went back to bed. So far this weekend I think I've slept about 30hrs. More if we count the nap on Friday afternoon. This isn't normal. It's not remotely normal. So it's time to bring it to the attention of the doctor. I've got an appointment made for Thursday morning so I'm writing out a list of the tihngs that are bothering me this afternoon.
Of course, along with that I need to catch up on my OU work. I'm about two weeks behind since the latest bout of ennui/lethargy. Also for the last week I've been spending too much money and eating too much food. There's nothing else I can see to do though. In my head that is - there's just not much working.
I think step one I've already taken - the laundry is done. Well it's all gone through the washing machine anyway. Next step is a shower/general wash/teethbrushing exercise sort of thing.
After that? Who knows. I might even leave the house. A walk might do me some good - load some music up on the discman and off I go............
Otherwise, it'll be another afternoon sat in front of the telly, completely bored but unable to move........
On the plus side, I ate breakfast which is good. Then I went back to bed. So far this weekend I think I've slept about 30hrs. More if we count the nap on Friday afternoon. This isn't normal. It's not remotely normal. So it's time to bring it to the attention of the doctor. I've got an appointment made for Thursday morning so I'm writing out a list of the tihngs that are bothering me this afternoon.
Of course, along with that I need to catch up on my OU work. I'm about two weeks behind since the latest bout of ennui/lethargy. Also for the last week I've been spending too much money and eating too much food. There's nothing else I can see to do though. In my head that is - there's just not much working.
I think step one I've already taken - the laundry is done. Well it's all gone through the washing machine anyway. Next step is a shower/general wash/teethbrushing exercise sort of thing.
After that? Who knows. I might even leave the house. A walk might do me some good - load some music up on the discman and off I go............
Otherwise, it'll be another afternoon sat in front of the telly, completely bored but unable to move........
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Weight again
I know -if I spent as much time working out as I do talking about weight, I'd be a size 8 by now. Still, I appear to need quite a bit of talking at the minute and well, ok, no one talks back on the blog, but equally, no one contradicts me and tells me I'm an idiot and weight loss is easy. if it was easy people, we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic!
So here we go. I've printed out a LOT of information on the best ways of setting out weight loss goals and how to achieve them. I'm going to spend the next few hours going through them and working on some specific goals for me for the short, medium and long term.
I'm going to drag my rebounder out of the corner it's been hiding in for the last few months and make the balance ball the centrepiece it used to be. That's three things to do tonight. I don't like being the size of a house. I don't like having to buy clothes in big woman shops. I don't like having to make excuses and constantly battling myself and other people to maintain some self esteem and self confidence.
So a short post tonight - but I have other things to do - I have to get cracking on this weight loss malarkey or I will never be a size 14 again!
So here we go. I've printed out a LOT of information on the best ways of setting out weight loss goals and how to achieve them. I'm going to spend the next few hours going through them and working on some specific goals for me for the short, medium and long term.
I'm going to drag my rebounder out of the corner it's been hiding in for the last few months and make the balance ball the centrepiece it used to be. That's three things to do tonight. I don't like being the size of a house. I don't like having to buy clothes in big woman shops. I don't like having to make excuses and constantly battling myself and other people to maintain some self esteem and self confidence.
So a short post tonight - but I have other things to do - I have to get cracking on this weight loss malarkey or I will never be a size 14 again!
Friday, 25 November 2011
Le weekend
Well OK technically my weekend started last night, but it feels like tonight's Friday night all the same. Last night I met a friend for a good long gossip and dinner - it was great. I felt really good and we had a brilliant natter.
Then this morning I got up early enough to move the car before the evil Satanspawn that is the local traffic warden gets up and to put the bins out. Then I went back to bed for the rest of the morning. Gym at one where my darling PT tried his best to kill me - he was extremely impressed that he managed to get a 'fucking hell' out of me after one particularly tough set of deadlifts. It's nice to please one's trainer every now and again. Still, I can already feel my muscles tensing up so the choice of clothes for tomorrow is based loosely around the premise that I won't be capable of moving my arms at all.......
After that, I pretty much didn't do anything all day. Well that's not true. I caught up with my correspondance, I did a couple loads of laundry, I folded and put away all the dry clothes, I did the washing up, I cooked two meals.......it was a lot to do even if it didn't feel it. So I should feel like I did good today. Plus, I did my weeks shopping for £6.06. Very proud of that. Not strong on fresh f&v but very high on frozen f&v so not too bad.
Plus I've been spending a good hour on trying on clothes for tomorrow night - I think I've got an outfit that I feel really good in plus it looks a bit dark and Gothicy as well which will stand out in the Welsh village I'm in tomorrow night. I like to stand out there cos well - I do stand out anyway, so I might as well make the most of it. It's a maroon vest with sparkly bit and a black lace top over it with a pair of black jeans. I feel good and rock-chicky in it :D
OK my back is already stiffening up so I'm thinking of hitting the bath for a good hour or so. I've got makeup in the bag, I've got jewellry on, I've got my nice shiny new engagement ring on, I feel ready for a good night out tomorrow. But I will be needing the alcohol as well. Woohoo!!
Then this morning I got up early enough to move the car before the evil Satanspawn that is the local traffic warden gets up and to put the bins out. Then I went back to bed for the rest of the morning. Gym at one where my darling PT tried his best to kill me - he was extremely impressed that he managed to get a 'fucking hell' out of me after one particularly tough set of deadlifts. It's nice to please one's trainer every now and again. Still, I can already feel my muscles tensing up so the choice of clothes for tomorrow is based loosely around the premise that I won't be capable of moving my arms at all.......
After that, I pretty much didn't do anything all day. Well that's not true. I caught up with my correspondance, I did a couple loads of laundry, I folded and put away all the dry clothes, I did the washing up, I cooked two meals.......it was a lot to do even if it didn't feel it. So I should feel like I did good today. Plus, I did my weeks shopping for £6.06. Very proud of that. Not strong on fresh f&v but very high on frozen f&v so not too bad.
Plus I've been spending a good hour on trying on clothes for tomorrow night - I think I've got an outfit that I feel really good in plus it looks a bit dark and Gothicy as well which will stand out in the Welsh village I'm in tomorrow night. I like to stand out there cos well - I do stand out anyway, so I might as well make the most of it. It's a maroon vest with sparkly bit and a black lace top over it with a pair of black jeans. I feel good and rock-chicky in it :D
OK my back is already stiffening up so I'm thinking of hitting the bath for a good hour or so. I've got makeup in the bag, I've got jewellry on, I've got my nice shiny new engagement ring on, I feel ready for a good night out tomorrow. But I will be needing the alcohol as well. Woohoo!!
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Ear infection
Not the sexiest of blog posts, I know, but that's me at the minute. The nurse I saw on Monday even couldn't see an infection but gave me an anti-inflammatory, anti bacterial ear drop thing anyway. Last night speaking to my doctor friend at home, she thought it might be a tooth problem. This morning and all day, I've had gunk coming out of my ear so the new diagnosis is burst abcess. yippee.
I've had two days off work and I'm going a bit crazy. Yesterday I slept all day when I wasn't groaning inagony on the couch. Today was much better. I'm still groaning with pain, but not agony. Plus i didn't sleep all day. I've actually been awake today and from about 3pm I was capable of being productive.
I can see the living room floor. I changed my bed (much needed after the lovely night sweats I've been having since the ear thing flared up). I've done two loads of laundry. I've folded and put away all my clean clothes. I've made up the spare room bed. I've caught up on one of my OU courses. I've hoovered the living room. I've bagged up the rubbish in most of the flat. I've cooked myself dinner. I've done the washing up. I feel pretty good about all that.
I've still got a manic headache and my ears aren't right yet, but I feel like I'm able to deal with things again. I found my anti depressants which had gone AWOL for a day or two so they're back in my system. Aim for the rest of tonight?
Make tomorrow's lunch.
Have a bath.
Lay out tomorrow's clothes.
Do at least two more exercises for the OU stuff.
That will be it. Plus the bath will help with the ears right? Heat will help draw out the infection. Plus it might help ease out more gunk - it's going all gooey and crackly as well. Sorry, TMI I know!! OK on to making tomorrow's lunch. I think I might to a packet risotto.........
I've had two days off work and I'm going a bit crazy. Yesterday I slept all day when I wasn't groaning inagony on the couch. Today was much better. I'm still groaning with pain, but not agony. Plus i didn't sleep all day. I've actually been awake today and from about 3pm I was capable of being productive.
I can see the living room floor. I changed my bed (much needed after the lovely night sweats I've been having since the ear thing flared up). I've done two loads of laundry. I've folded and put away all my clean clothes. I've made up the spare room bed. I've caught up on one of my OU courses. I've hoovered the living room. I've bagged up the rubbish in most of the flat. I've cooked myself dinner. I've done the washing up. I feel pretty good about all that.
I've still got a manic headache and my ears aren't right yet, but I feel like I'm able to deal with things again. I found my anti depressants which had gone AWOL for a day or two so they're back in my system. Aim for the rest of tonight?
Make tomorrow's lunch.
Have a bath.
Lay out tomorrow's clothes.
Do at least two more exercises for the OU stuff.
That will be it. Plus the bath will help with the ears right? Heat will help draw out the infection. Plus it might help ease out more gunk - it's going all gooey and crackly as well. Sorry, TMI I know!! OK on to making tomorrow's lunch. I think I might to a packet risotto.........
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
I have a study table again
And one major bonus is that it is right beside the radiator so it's one of the few places in the flat right now that's warm!!!! I'm so cold it's not funny!!
I've had my soup for dinner but I'm still hungry and cold so there's a chicken breast and veg in the oven as well. After dinner the aim is to clear the other couch of clothes and fold them and put them away. Also to put on a load of laundry so things are ready for the weekend before I need to panic. If I wash today, clothes might be dry by thurs morning when I need to pack.
All in a day's work.
In other news - tonight I plan to spend an hour or two on studying again cos it felt good last night. Plus tomorrow night I'm at the gym so that will take up that time. I will at least have dinner ready for myself tomorrow night as well so I don't need to worry too much about time or energy levels.
This all seems really pedestrian and boring, I realise that, but when I think of the weekend and how lethergic and miserable I felt.....this is a huge improvement. maybe the fluoxetine is kicking in finally, maybe it's a placebo effect from my negative ion bracelet, maybe the bracelet is doing some good, or maybe because I'm eating better, I'm feeling better inside myself. either way, I prefer being this way to the horrible, awful tiredness that was me for the last few weeks!!!
I've had my soup for dinner but I'm still hungry and cold so there's a chicken breast and veg in the oven as well. After dinner the aim is to clear the other couch of clothes and fold them and put them away. Also to put on a load of laundry so things are ready for the weekend before I need to panic. If I wash today, clothes might be dry by thurs morning when I need to pack.
All in a day's work.
In other news - tonight I plan to spend an hour or two on studying again cos it felt good last night. Plus tomorrow night I'm at the gym so that will take up that time. I will at least have dinner ready for myself tomorrow night as well so I don't need to worry too much about time or energy levels.
This all seems really pedestrian and boring, I realise that, but when I think of the weekend and how lethergic and miserable I felt.....this is a huge improvement. maybe the fluoxetine is kicking in finally, maybe it's a placebo effect from my negative ion bracelet, maybe the bracelet is doing some good, or maybe because I'm eating better, I'm feeling better inside myself. either way, I prefer being this way to the horrible, awful tiredness that was me for the last few weeks!!!
Monday, 14 November 2011
Today was a good Monday
I know - shock horror right? But it was overall a good Monday. Actually it would have been a good day anyway, but it was particularly outstanding for a Monday. OK it started off rough, with me struggling to get out of bed and not managing breakfast before I left the house and not having lunch with me, but it picked up once I got to work and woke up properly.
I kept myself busy all day, so it flew by. OK so some of it was the sort of horrible, painstaking, boring crap that keeps on getting put off, but it kept my brain occupied and for the first time in AGES I didn't eat chocolate today! Bad as that sounds, this is a major move forward for me.
I've got tomorrow's lunch in the slow cooker - it will be ready about 10pm, just before bedtime - and I've tomorrow's dinner already made and waiting to be reheated. I'm feeling awake at 6:50pm for the first time in ages and I'm determined to set up my study table properly tonight as well - just as soon as the Big Bang Theory is over. This will help in many ways, not least it will herald the start of the declutter of the flat (again!!) but it will also give me a place to get started on my Challenging Obesity course for the OU and stop me having to type on my knees on the couch which is really hurting my back and arms.
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling very good. Long may it last!!!
I kept myself busy all day, so it flew by. OK so some of it was the sort of horrible, painstaking, boring crap that keeps on getting put off, but it kept my brain occupied and for the first time in AGES I didn't eat chocolate today! Bad as that sounds, this is a major move forward for me.
I've got tomorrow's lunch in the slow cooker - it will be ready about 10pm, just before bedtime - and I've tomorrow's dinner already made and waiting to be reheated. I'm feeling awake at 6:50pm for the first time in ages and I'm determined to set up my study table properly tonight as well - just as soon as the Big Bang Theory is over. This will help in many ways, not least it will herald the start of the declutter of the flat (again!!) but it will also give me a place to get started on my Challenging Obesity course for the OU and stop me having to type on my knees on the couch which is really hurting my back and arms.
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling very good. Long may it last!!!
Sunday, 13 November 2011
I had high hopes for the weekend.....
.....but alas it was not to be. I've been caught up in the throes of a bad ear infection leaving me unable to do more than the basics in life. And to be honest, considering the smell of me right now, I've not even been managing the basics properly. I'm OK today, if extremely stiff after a tough gym session on Friday, so I want to get some things done.
I need to redo my CV and get it sent off to the nice man who was interested in it. I need to send it to a few places in Ireland as well. I need to get moving on jobs at home because frankly, living in England isn't helping me right now.
I also need to sort out the Professional Review report for my chartership. I've been doddering on that for so long now, it's just inertia stopping me getting on with it. I've got enough to be a Chartered Engineer, I know I do, I just need to get it written and sorted.
Those two things mean that I need to get the living room sorted so I have a warm dry safe place to write and work. As it is, I'm thinking of taking tomorrow off work cos of the way my ear feels right now but we'll see about that. In the mean time - I need to get moving for today. I'm so tired and everything is so stiff and sore...........I could barely manage to get dress yesterday!!
In good news - and very exciting news!!! - I picked up my ring on Friday - I finally have an engagement ring!!!!! OK so I am apparently the fussiest bride-to-be ever when it comes to my engagement ring, but it was sooooooo worth the wait, I'm like a kid with a new toy with it. It's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's gorgeous and it's perfect!!!
So there's good stuff here as well. Maybe a hot bath would ease the stiffness and then I could get moving on the whole thing!!! :)
I need to redo my CV and get it sent off to the nice man who was interested in it. I need to send it to a few places in Ireland as well. I need to get moving on jobs at home because frankly, living in England isn't helping me right now.
I also need to sort out the Professional Review report for my chartership. I've been doddering on that for so long now, it's just inertia stopping me getting on with it. I've got enough to be a Chartered Engineer, I know I do, I just need to get it written and sorted.
Those two things mean that I need to get the living room sorted so I have a warm dry safe place to write and work. As it is, I'm thinking of taking tomorrow off work cos of the way my ear feels right now but we'll see about that. In the mean time - I need to get moving for today. I'm so tired and everything is so stiff and sore...........I could barely manage to get dress yesterday!!
In good news - and very exciting news!!! - I picked up my ring on Friday - I finally have an engagement ring!!!!! OK so I am apparently the fussiest bride-to-be ever when it comes to my engagement ring, but it was sooooooo worth the wait, I'm like a kid with a new toy with it. It's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's gorgeous and it's perfect!!!
So there's good stuff here as well. Maybe a hot bath would ease the stiffness and then I could get moving on the whole thing!!! :)
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Early mornings
I don't like it when I can't wake up in the morning. It throws out my whole day. I can't get on top of things, I can't get organised for the day, I can't think straight. I dislike not starting the day with a bounce and a smile. This aching slowness isn't for me - but it's all I've got for now.
So I'm trying things that might seem a bit radical. I've got an ion bracelt - it was on a Groupon offer just after payday so I figured £10 won't go astray. It's been less than 12hrs and the effect is probably placebo......but I feel a bit better this morning. It could be that I don't have much to do, only shower and dress and go, lunch is ready from last night. It could be the anti depressants are finally starting to work. It could be coincindence and this is just a blip more than anything else. But it's giving me hope and that's importnat right now.
So - I'm off to shower.And then I'm going to get one of my bright tops to wear to work. And then I'm going to go to work and smile and be energetic and take care of all the crap I've been avoiding all week. I will do this thing. It will happen. Here I go!
So I'm trying things that might seem a bit radical. I've got an ion bracelt - it was on a Groupon offer just after payday so I figured £10 won't go astray. It's been less than 12hrs and the effect is probably placebo......but I feel a bit better this morning. It could be that I don't have much to do, only shower and dress and go, lunch is ready from last night. It could be the anti depressants are finally starting to work. It could be coincindence and this is just a blip more than anything else. But it's giving me hope and that's importnat right now.
So - I'm off to shower.And then I'm going to get one of my bright tops to wear to work. And then I'm going to go to work and smile and be energetic and take care of all the crap I've been avoiding all week. I will do this thing. It will happen. Here I go!
Monday, 7 November 2011
I sometimes wonder...
....why I love to write. I would spend most of every day writing if I could afford to. Ok so a lot of the time it's waffle and not good for anything, but it helps me clear out my head and clarify my thoughts, it helps me deal with dreams and nightmares, it helps me deal with things.
I am currently writing quite a bit about my teenage years - not quite autobiographical, but not quite fiction either. It's sort of that grey inbetween area between memory and creation. It's like the teenager I almost wanted to be if that makes sense. I suppose the fact that I'm doing a creative writing course at the minute is bringing the literary/fiction side out a bit more cos I'm finding outlining the daily minutae of my life a bit.....well.....boring at the minute. My life is pretty boring most of the time - it's experiences that most people could relate to - getting up, going to work, sorting chores, feeding, clothing, housework........there's very few people in this world who don't have to deal with these things. Very few.
So right now? I don't know. There's another 'God's Warrior' story coming to the fore right now along with someone who I suspect is either anorexic or a binge eater - I haven't figured out which yet, but she's definitely got food issues (not autobiographical at all then!!). I think I want to explore this part of me more and more. I like being creative, I like writing, I enjoy exercising that part of me. It gets dulled otherwise in the routine of daily life. So, I'm going to keep on writing. Now I just have to find the nice pens again in Sainsburys so my writing is mostly legible with effort as opposed to illegible regardless!!!
I am currently writing quite a bit about my teenage years - not quite autobiographical, but not quite fiction either. It's sort of that grey inbetween area between memory and creation. It's like the teenager I almost wanted to be if that makes sense. I suppose the fact that I'm doing a creative writing course at the minute is bringing the literary/fiction side out a bit more cos I'm finding outlining the daily minutae of my life a bit.....well.....boring at the minute. My life is pretty boring most of the time - it's experiences that most people could relate to - getting up, going to work, sorting chores, feeding, clothing, housework........there's very few people in this world who don't have to deal with these things. Very few.
So right now? I don't know. There's another 'God's Warrior' story coming to the fore right now along with someone who I suspect is either anorexic or a binge eater - I haven't figured out which yet, but she's definitely got food issues (not autobiographical at all then!!). I think I want to explore this part of me more and more. I like being creative, I like writing, I enjoy exercising that part of me. It gets dulled otherwise in the routine of daily life. So, I'm going to keep on writing. Now I just have to find the nice pens again in Sainsburys so my writing is mostly legible with effort as opposed to illegible regardless!!!
Sunday, 6 November 2011
A good weekend!!!
I had high hopes for the weekend and it really lived up to expectations but in ways I hadn't expected. I slept in on Friday - day off work meant I didn't have to get up until I was ready, so I got up about half 8 and then dozed until 10-ish....I went into town and I saw my ring!!! It was exactly as I expected - the jewellers did such a good job and I'm so excited. So hopefully, Al's new credit card has now arrived and I can pick up the ring on Friday.
Then I toddled off into London and got myself to the hotel only to discover that the DLR was suspended Sat/Sun, so it was going to be replacement buses all weekend. Never mind, thought I, it'll be a nice way to see the capital. I didn't factor in the hangover factor on the Saturday, but never mind......
The gig on Fri night was brilliant -we really enjoyed ourselves and drank far too much followed by a manically expensive taxi ride back to the hotel - it was after 2am and we leaving the place, so no tube, but still - £30???? Thank God I don't live in London is all I say!
Sat was pretty much a wash out - it took us until one to get out of bed and til half 3 to make our way into town - although that was mainly cos of waiting for the replacement bus and then realising we were at the wrong bus stop. Not a good idea!! But we had a nice lunch in Nandos (Canary Wharf) and then Al bought himself a ukelele.......he got it into his head, I don't know why :) Still, while he was looking at ukeleles and other useful equipment, I was in heaven (in other words, Foyle's on Charing Cross Road). I was good though and didn't buy anything, but it was a close run thing.......
Sat night we watched some TV back at the hotel and had an early night - lovely!!! This morning we checked out just before 12, then went to Wagamama's in Canary Wharf for lunch (fantastic and the waitress was wonderful!!) before parting at London Bridge - me to Waterloo, him to St Pancras. I hate saying goodbye, but it just makes seeing him again all the sweeter.
Now? I'm settled in for a quiet night, probably a bath in the near future and sorting out food for the morning................ and lunch and find out what's gone off in the kitchen - I suspect the lemons, but I'm unsure. I'm so happy right now - I had a wonderful weekend, Al loves me, I love him and while we have that, we can do anything.
Then I toddled off into London and got myself to the hotel only to discover that the DLR was suspended Sat/Sun, so it was going to be replacement buses all weekend. Never mind, thought I, it'll be a nice way to see the capital. I didn't factor in the hangover factor on the Saturday, but never mind......
The gig on Fri night was brilliant -we really enjoyed ourselves and drank far too much followed by a manically expensive taxi ride back to the hotel - it was after 2am and we leaving the place, so no tube, but still - £30???? Thank God I don't live in London is all I say!
Sat was pretty much a wash out - it took us until one to get out of bed and til half 3 to make our way into town - although that was mainly cos of waiting for the replacement bus and then realising we were at the wrong bus stop. Not a good idea!! But we had a nice lunch in Nandos (Canary Wharf) and then Al bought himself a ukelele.......he got it into his head, I don't know why :) Still, while he was looking at ukeleles and other useful equipment, I was in heaven (in other words, Foyle's on Charing Cross Road). I was good though and didn't buy anything, but it was a close run thing.......
Sat night we watched some TV back at the hotel and had an early night - lovely!!! This morning we checked out just before 12, then went to Wagamama's in Canary Wharf for lunch (fantastic and the waitress was wonderful!!) before parting at London Bridge - me to Waterloo, him to St Pancras. I hate saying goodbye, but it just makes seeing him again all the sweeter.
Now? I'm settled in for a quiet night, probably a bath in the near future and sorting out food for the morning................ and lunch and find out what's gone off in the kitchen - I suspect the lemons, but I'm unsure. I'm so happy right now - I had a wonderful weekend, Al loves me, I love him and while we have that, we can do anything.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Tuesday was good too
I went into work in a positive frame of mind. Nothing majorly bad happened. I got a lot of stupid little jobs done that I'd been putting off so my backlog is slowly disappearing. Excellent.
I also ran my first interview this afternoon - the guy wasn't great, but I felt better after getting one under my belt. I asked all the right questions. I tried to tease out more details from him, to the best of my ability. In the end, it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the guy I was interviewing.
Tonight, I ate a decent dinner - cod in parsley sauce with mashed potatoes and carrots, with a small bit of cheese afterwards. I still haven't opened up the grapefruit yet, but I might broach that in the morning if I find the honey!!! Yeuch to it normally, but then it has been about 15yrs since I last tried it......
So, I'm tired, but ok tonight. I did some more work on my OU work today as well - it was fun - characters this week and I'm having some fun - getting out a lot of teenage angst a decade or so too late :)
I'm happy and I'm off to bed.
And oh yeah - my engagement ring is ready to be picked up, so as soon as Al gets the money side sorted I will have a ring on my finger to show I'm engaged!!! Finally!!! :)
I also ran my first interview this afternoon - the guy wasn't great, but I felt better after getting one under my belt. I asked all the right questions. I tried to tease out more details from him, to the best of my ability. In the end, it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the guy I was interviewing.
Tonight, I ate a decent dinner - cod in parsley sauce with mashed potatoes and carrots, with a small bit of cheese afterwards. I still haven't opened up the grapefruit yet, but I might broach that in the morning if I find the honey!!! Yeuch to it normally, but then it has been about 15yrs since I last tried it......
So, I'm tired, but ok tonight. I did some more work on my OU work today as well - it was fun - characters this week and I'm having some fun - getting out a lot of teenage angst a decade or so too late :)
I'm happy and I'm off to bed.
And oh yeah - my engagement ring is ready to be picked up, so as soon as Al gets the money side sorted I will have a ring on my finger to show I'm engaged!!! Finally!!! :)
Monday, 31 October 2011
Monday will be good this week
See there's that positive thinking again. So - I'm prepared. I've had my planned breakfast. I've organised my lunch which should be filling and satisfying. I have my gym bag packed for later. I have my Asda shop arriving this evening. I have soup organised for lunch tomorrow as well.
Loads of good things. add on to the fact that I am only planning on working a four day week this week and that there are a few things I need to get written up in work and things should be fine today.
If I had one small not-positive note, it's that I have a manic headache this morning and I think it's this cold that's been threatening for so long. So, Lemsip will be coming out today to try and ease that pain.
But overall - this will be a good day and a good week. I've decided. So there.
Loads of good things. add on to the fact that I am only planning on working a four day week this week and that there are a few things I need to get written up in work and things should be fine today.
If I had one small not-positive note, it's that I have a manic headache this morning and I think it's this cold that's been threatening for so long. So, Lemsip will be coming out today to try and ease that pain.
But overall - this will be a good day and a good week. I've decided. So there.
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Self-exploratory post
OK I'm not sure where this post is going so bear with me. I just finished reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and it got me thinking. I don't have 12months savings to go off and travel and spend four months in three different places around the world to 'find' myself, or find true happiness. But I can put some of the lessons into place that she learned.
For example, last week was meant to be a nice relaxing, peaceful week at home, chilling out and getting my head together. Instead I was in work - now my boss was adamant that he hadn't asked me to do this - probably cos he had gone around the taking holiday rules and booked the same time off for himself after I had booked my time - that's the second time this year that has happened. So in the end I had Friday off and not the whole week. Which caused some problems with my week of chilling and relaxing, particularly when I was in early and late and all over the place.
But there are some good things to take for this - I now have 4 extra days holiday that I hadn't expected. that's a good thing. I can, if I like, work four day weeks from now until Christmas because of this. That would be quite pleasant I think. I could also take some time off when I need it a bit more - such as when my boss is actually in work cos he has no holidays left now - but I won't be able to spend it with Al. never mind, last week is done and there's no reliving the past to change it unfortunately.
Onto another good thing. My misery last week prompted al to sort out some things that I had been worrying over and we had a really good talk about living together after the wedding. He also told me some things that put my mind at ease - I was wondering how we were going to handle some differences between our ways of spending leisure time and it turns out we already have some good systems in place for this, even when we're living together. This is excellent news. I walked around with a big grin all day yesterday after the conversation on Friday night.
So - some things I need to put into place. I need to start going to Mass again - it makes me feel better and able to face whatever the week throws at me, so by attending, I am doing myself a favour. I need to think more in terms of doing myself favours like that. I made myself a mozzarella and tomato and basil salad last night for dinner - it was gorgeous. It really was lovely. And I'm worth that sort of effort. So making myself nice food is a good thing and I'm worth it. I've got the makings of a good parsnip soup and a carrot and coriander soup as well - that will make a difference to the food for the next few weeks. Which is all good. Nice pleasant food to keep me warm, full and satisfied. I need to go back to having the kitchen as a warm and welcoming place rather than a place I avoid. I have a good clean oven again, 30mins this morning will restore order to the washing up and fold the dry laundry and then I will have a calm peaceful room again to create culinary delights.
Then it's the turn of my study space in the living room. I need to clear off all the old paperwork and either file it or chuck it. That's another 30mins. So in an hour today I will have made great strides in getting things together. I need to also get a lot of clothes on ebay today - it's free insertion this weekend so I may as well take advantage of it and get a lot of the good shoes and clothes on there that might make me some money.
So - a clean flat, a clean mind, a clean life - those were the lessons I learned from that book and I intend to keep putting them into practice. But the most important things to remember is that this isn't about perfection. It's never about perfection. It's about surviving. And I can do that - i've been doing it for years. But not just surviving, surviving well. The thing to remember is that life is for living, not just surviving. Living, not just surviving. That's my new mantra I think!!
For example, last week was meant to be a nice relaxing, peaceful week at home, chilling out and getting my head together. Instead I was in work - now my boss was adamant that he hadn't asked me to do this - probably cos he had gone around the taking holiday rules and booked the same time off for himself after I had booked my time - that's the second time this year that has happened. So in the end I had Friday off and not the whole week. Which caused some problems with my week of chilling and relaxing, particularly when I was in early and late and all over the place.
But there are some good things to take for this - I now have 4 extra days holiday that I hadn't expected. that's a good thing. I can, if I like, work four day weeks from now until Christmas because of this. That would be quite pleasant I think. I could also take some time off when I need it a bit more - such as when my boss is actually in work cos he has no holidays left now - but I won't be able to spend it with Al. never mind, last week is done and there's no reliving the past to change it unfortunately.
Onto another good thing. My misery last week prompted al to sort out some things that I had been worrying over and we had a really good talk about living together after the wedding. He also told me some things that put my mind at ease - I was wondering how we were going to handle some differences between our ways of spending leisure time and it turns out we already have some good systems in place for this, even when we're living together. This is excellent news. I walked around with a big grin all day yesterday after the conversation on Friday night.
So - some things I need to put into place. I need to start going to Mass again - it makes me feel better and able to face whatever the week throws at me, so by attending, I am doing myself a favour. I need to think more in terms of doing myself favours like that. I made myself a mozzarella and tomato and basil salad last night for dinner - it was gorgeous. It really was lovely. And I'm worth that sort of effort. So making myself nice food is a good thing and I'm worth it. I've got the makings of a good parsnip soup and a carrot and coriander soup as well - that will make a difference to the food for the next few weeks. Which is all good. Nice pleasant food to keep me warm, full and satisfied. I need to go back to having the kitchen as a warm and welcoming place rather than a place I avoid. I have a good clean oven again, 30mins this morning will restore order to the washing up and fold the dry laundry and then I will have a calm peaceful room again to create culinary delights.
Then it's the turn of my study space in the living room. I need to clear off all the old paperwork and either file it or chuck it. That's another 30mins. So in an hour today I will have made great strides in getting things together. I need to also get a lot of clothes on ebay today - it's free insertion this weekend so I may as well take advantage of it and get a lot of the good shoes and clothes on there that might make me some money.
So - a clean flat, a clean mind, a clean life - those were the lessons I learned from that book and I intend to keep putting them into practice. But the most important things to remember is that this isn't about perfection. It's never about perfection. It's about surviving. And I can do that - i've been doing it for years. But not just surviving, surviving well. The thing to remember is that life is for living, not just surviving. Living, not just surviving. That's my new mantra I think!!
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Sunday
Yesterday was pretty much a write off regarding getting anything done. I did manage to get out and do some shopping (entire week's shopping, £16, go me!!) and I had a good chat with Al and another friend, but I feel like the day was wasted really.
today - well I need to catch up on a few days washing. Ordinarilly this would be a few plates and mugs but because I've been cooking meals this week, there's actual pots and pans and things like that to wash up as well. Then I have clothes to fold and put away and a few places to hoover. The problem with hoovering is that once you start, you keep on noticing things to hoover further........
then I need to get to Kwik Fit cos I have a slow puncture on a tyre and probably need to get to the tip as well.
so - budget is still on track, food is in the house, house is reasonably tidy......life is ok.
Except. yes there's always an except. i've had a headache for about 4 days now, I've had my holiday next week cancelled, work is extremely stressful and I seem to be stuck in stasis - I just can't manage to pull myself together enough to get moving...........
any ideas gratefully received.
today - well I need to catch up on a few days washing. Ordinarilly this would be a few plates and mugs but because I've been cooking meals this week, there's actual pots and pans and things like that to wash up as well. Then I have clothes to fold and put away and a few places to hoover. The problem with hoovering is that once you start, you keep on noticing things to hoover further........
then I need to get to Kwik Fit cos I have a slow puncture on a tyre and probably need to get to the tip as well.
so - budget is still on track, food is in the house, house is reasonably tidy......life is ok.
Except. yes there's always an except. i've had a headache for about 4 days now, I've had my holiday next week cancelled, work is extremely stressful and I seem to be stuck in stasis - I just can't manage to pull myself together enough to get moving...........
any ideas gratefully received.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Feeling very resentful
Well a lot resentful. Filled with resentment in fact. Basically my partner and I are both in a fair whack of debt - debt we can pay off I might add - but we also have a wedding coming up that needs to be paid for. Now I've figured out how I can pay for my dress, the wedding rings, the bridesmaids outfits, the music and the cake. What I haven't figured out how to pay for is the engagement ring. Now OK that's technically my partners responsibility but after agreeing a budget with him (and coming in under budget) he now doesn't have the money to pay for it cos he spent it. And he doesn't know what he spent it on. So I can't have my engagement ring yet cos we don't have the money for it. I'm frantically trying to sort out my finances and find the money from somewhere but I'm really struggling with this.
I've cut back my spending as much as I can -I spent less than £20 on food this week - but I will really struggle to do this on my own. We need to work together as a team to get this money together, but he refuses to even look at ways he can cut back on his spending. I mean even if he gave up fags like he says he wants to that would be £30 a week that could go towards the ring. Alright, so if we were depending on that money for the ring, it would be 18months before I got it, but if we found another £100 a month each I could have it in time for my birthday. Tht's a mere 2months before the wedding. I feel really really resentful that he won't even consider making cutbacks like I am - he just doesn't see all the luxuries we have.
I suppose most of all I'm resenting the fact that he isn't even prepared to go through a monthly budget with me and see where we can save money. I mean, I admit there's probably places I can cut back - I just can't see them right now. Surely that's part of the role of a partner? Honestly, things will be so much easier when we're living together - we'll be £500 a month better off for a start!!
I've cut back my spending as much as I can -I spent less than £20 on food this week - but I will really struggle to do this on my own. We need to work together as a team to get this money together, but he refuses to even look at ways he can cut back on his spending. I mean even if he gave up fags like he says he wants to that would be £30 a week that could go towards the ring. Alright, so if we were depending on that money for the ring, it would be 18months before I got it, but if we found another £100 a month each I could have it in time for my birthday. Tht's a mere 2months before the wedding. I feel really really resentful that he won't even consider making cutbacks like I am - he just doesn't see all the luxuries we have.
I suppose most of all I'm resenting the fact that he isn't even prepared to go through a monthly budget with me and see where we can save money. I mean, I admit there's probably places I can cut back - I just can't see them right now. Surely that's part of the role of a partner? Honestly, things will be so much easier when we're living together - we'll be £500 a month better off for a start!!
Thursday, 13 October 2011
More than a week
OK so it's been over a week since I posted and there's been some reasons for that.
My depression is back full tilt. Evenings are spent on the couch alternatively crying and eating. neither of which is particularly good for me.
Days are spend zombie-like in work. There's a lot of stress on at the minute and things are not going well. there's all sorts of politics and crap and none of it is helping me or my mental health.
I've had to cancel half my holiday in a few weeks time cos my boss booked holiday at the same time and there's things going on that one of us at least should be here for. I'm angry about that cos he did the same thing in the summer and it means that Al and I won't have a holiday together this year now. It's making me worry about my honeymoon next year as well. That's been booked for over 8months so by the time the honeymoon actually comes round it will be 18months, but I'm not sure if he'll honour that either.
Al is going into survival mode cos he can't think of any other way to survive - but it means he's not being helpful or supportive of me really. I know why, I just wish he could separate what's happening to him and my situation. I've tried to shield him from all the work stuff, but it slipped out earlier in the week. Now I'm worried I'm taking too much on myself and am unable to keep going.
So there we go. I'm taking tomorrow off work - I've put a holiday slip in, but whether it's signed or not I'm not going in. I need a day at home to sort the flat out and get it into a shape that I can maintain again. once it's tidy, it's easier to keep tidy - if that makes sense to anyone but me!! It means a few trips to charity shops and the tip, but it will be worth it.
Job hunt is ongoing -I'm applying left, right and centre for jobs. I hope to get one soon........otherwise things will be difficult here for a while. Especially if my colleague that I trust leaves me.
For now? Get up, get dressed, go to work, survive, come home. Prepare for weekend. And breathe. Remember to breath. It's important!!
My depression is back full tilt. Evenings are spent on the couch alternatively crying and eating. neither of which is particularly good for me.
Days are spend zombie-like in work. There's a lot of stress on at the minute and things are not going well. there's all sorts of politics and crap and none of it is helping me or my mental health.
I've had to cancel half my holiday in a few weeks time cos my boss booked holiday at the same time and there's things going on that one of us at least should be here for. I'm angry about that cos he did the same thing in the summer and it means that Al and I won't have a holiday together this year now. It's making me worry about my honeymoon next year as well. That's been booked for over 8months so by the time the honeymoon actually comes round it will be 18months, but I'm not sure if he'll honour that either.
Al is going into survival mode cos he can't think of any other way to survive - but it means he's not being helpful or supportive of me really. I know why, I just wish he could separate what's happening to him and my situation. I've tried to shield him from all the work stuff, but it slipped out earlier in the week. Now I'm worried I'm taking too much on myself and am unable to keep going.
So there we go. I'm taking tomorrow off work - I've put a holiday slip in, but whether it's signed or not I'm not going in. I need a day at home to sort the flat out and get it into a shape that I can maintain again. once it's tidy, it's easier to keep tidy - if that makes sense to anyone but me!! It means a few trips to charity shops and the tip, but it will be worth it.
Job hunt is ongoing -I'm applying left, right and centre for jobs. I hope to get one soon........otherwise things will be difficult here for a while. Especially if my colleague that I trust leaves me.
For now? Get up, get dressed, go to work, survive, come home. Prepare for weekend. And breathe. Remember to breath. It's important!!
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Wednesday already
It was a very very bad day yesterday. Auditors were in work and things went haywire - completely haywire. I was upset but didn't cry or let it get to me too much. Just spent the day in a daze really. Still there were some good things.
1) I got up in time
2) I made it into work early
3) I had breakfast
4) I logged my food for breakfast and lunch (dinner went a bit haywire)
5) I didn't gaze into space for the evening.
6) I wore a nice coloured top to work
7) I felt good about the way I looked.
8) My trousers are a lot looser now.
9) My bedroom is still relatively tidy
10) I made it to ten!!!
I know number ten seems like a cop out, but really, it isn't. Today was a real struggle getting ten items down there so having 9 'proper' ones and then the tenth proclaiming the fact is a positive!!!
Right so plans for today. I'm about to go put the kettle on and make myself a coffee. While that brewing I'm getting in the shower and getting dressed. I will then eat my breakfast at the time like a civilised person and head into work. My hair definitely needs a wash, it feels icky.
In work, I will make sure I get out for a walk for at least 10mins today. I need the fresh air, regardless of the weather.
Today will be a better day. a lot better. And I will manage to clear off my study area tonight so that I can start studying properly as well. it's only a small table but it's completely defeating me at the minute, much the same way as the washing up was defeating me last week. One small mountain at a time!!
1) I got up in time
2) I made it into work early
3) I had breakfast
4) I logged my food for breakfast and lunch (dinner went a bit haywire)
5) I didn't gaze into space for the evening.
6) I wore a nice coloured top to work
7) I felt good about the way I looked.
8) My trousers are a lot looser now.
9) My bedroom is still relatively tidy
10) I made it to ten!!!
I know number ten seems like a cop out, but really, it isn't. Today was a real struggle getting ten items down there so having 9 'proper' ones and then the tenth proclaiming the fact is a positive!!!
Right so plans for today. I'm about to go put the kettle on and make myself a coffee. While that brewing I'm getting in the shower and getting dressed. I will then eat my breakfast at the time like a civilised person and head into work. My hair definitely needs a wash, it feels icky.
In work, I will make sure I get out for a walk for at least 10mins today. I need the fresh air, regardless of the weather.
Today will be a better day. a lot better. And I will manage to clear off my study area tonight so that I can start studying properly as well. it's only a small table but it's completely defeating me at the minute, much the same way as the washing up was defeating me last week. One small mountain at a time!!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Weekend positivity
There hasn't been a post in a few days. I've been busy, away and then back in work. I'm finding things difficult – little things like the washing up take up so much energy and effort it's not funny. I am going to try for a good long list of positives today though. I have four days worth to build up so it should be decent.
1) I got my essay first draft written.
2) I got a rewrite done as well.
3) I handed in the essay well in time.
4) I feel it was a good attempt and covered the question adequately.
5) I finished AA100 – finally!!
6) I remember my pills all over the weekend.
7) I stayed awake to let the boiler man in on Friday.
8) I allowed myself to sleep later on in the day.
9) I ate dinner, even if it wasn't extremely healthy!
10) I got up early on Sat
11) I did my jobs around town before heading to Cheltenham.
12) I didn't get stressed about being late.
13) I enjoyed the drive.
14) I didn't let Gail rattle me when I got there.
15) I didn't let the fact that Josh was scared of me bother me.
16) I let my hair down and relaxed.
17) I didn't allow myself to be pushed into things I didn't want to be pushed into.
18) I got asked for ID in Sainsburys!!!
19) I ate until I was full on Sat and then stopped.
20) I didn't sleep very well on Sat night, but allowed myself to be awake without pressure and just enjoyed the reading time.
21) I relaxed again on Sunday.
22) I enjoyed reading my book in bed.
23) I didn't get up as soon as I heard Josh wake, but left Mark and Anna to deal with it.
24) I chilled out in the morning on the couch.
25) I watched the second half of the rugby and really enjoyed it.
26) I didn't let people bug me into getting in the way.
27) I had a really good chat with Anna.
28) I ate what I wanted at dinner.
29) I didn't bother eating anything else cos I was full.
30) I slept when I was tired.
31) I dragged myself out of bed on Monday even though I was tired.
32) I did the washing up.
33) I went to the psychologist.
34) I didn't eat anything after dinner.
35) I ate at the table.
36) I went to bed on time.
37) I wore a bright top yesterday.
38) I held my temper during a text conversation.
39) I did some study on my new course.
40) I drank enough water.
OK so there are a lot of repetitions in there, but sometimes doing the same thing day in, day out is difficult, so I reserve the right to treat them as separate for that!! :)
Today's positivity – well I'll worry about it tomorrow. I'm not sure how much there is to be honest, cos it's been an awful day in work, but I will persevere. By focussing on thinking positively, I hope to get my brain back in action on the positive mood swings rather than the negative ones.
I saw the psychologist last night and that was a positive experience. She gave me a handout to work through and some good ideas for things to do. She also said I was doing a lot to help myself as it was so try and keep that up. Fingers crossed it works!!
Thursday, 29 September 2011
More positivity
1. I started work on my essay last night
2. I got a good two paragraphs written (will need six overall)
3. I did some of the exercises recommended to help with the essay.
4. I didn't spend all night in front of the telly.
5. I worked a full day in work and kept on top of things.
6. I remembered to take my meds and the anitbiotics.
7. I've logged all my food for today already.
8. I made myself proper coffee this morning.
9. I woke before the alarm this morning.
10. I've got a plan, now all I have to do is stick to it!
Yesterday was a better day all round really. I went wildly over cals yesterday, but over a week, it's just not that much to worry about. My tummy also settled down and things appear to be returning to normal for me.
My infected toe seems to be clearing up as well - Lord bless anitbtiotics! So, I'm off to type up the paragraph of the essay due in tomorrow and then onto work......where I will probably put more effort into the essay if I'm honest!
So, let's attack the day with vigour!!!
2. I got a good two paragraphs written (will need six overall)
3. I did some of the exercises recommended to help with the essay.
4. I didn't spend all night in front of the telly.
5. I worked a full day in work and kept on top of things.
6. I remembered to take my meds and the anitbiotics.
7. I've logged all my food for today already.
8. I made myself proper coffee this morning.
9. I woke before the alarm this morning.
10. I've got a plan, now all I have to do is stick to it!
Yesterday was a better day all round really. I went wildly over cals yesterday, but over a week, it's just not that much to worry about. My tummy also settled down and things appear to be returning to normal for me.
My infected toe seems to be clearing up as well - Lord bless anitbtiotics! So, I'm off to type up the paragraph of the essay due in tomorrow and then onto work......where I will probably put more effort into the essay if I'm honest!
So, let's attack the day with vigour!!!
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Day 2
OK so today's list will hopefully be a bit easier.
1) I kept calm and focussed during my conversation with my mother last night.
2) I did some work on my essay for Friday.
3) I went to bed and read for a while on time.
4) I woke before my alarm this morning.
5) I finally set up my new phone last night.
6) I did the washing up this morning.
7) I put all the rubbish in the bin this morning.
8) I'm wearing a pink top today.
9) I remember to take both sets of pills this morning.
10) I hung out the clothes that were washed yesterday.
I know this probably seems childish and pathetic to some people, but it really helps me when I get depressed to look at all the positive things I've done in a day. It's one of the things that pulled me out the last time. I can't surround myself with negativity at the best of times cos it drags me down, so when I'm already down, I'm looking to surround myself with positivity to help rather than hinder.
Depression isn't a sexy disease. There will probably never be a huge research drive for it, and there's rarely a major public figure who will admit to suffering from it. It's very difficult to understand if you don't suffer from it, even if there is someone close to you, a member of your family who suffers. My own mother still believes that there must be something to push you into depression, a major drama or hassle. There doesn't. Sometimes the chemicals in your brain tip and dip and there's very little you can do about it. It's incredibly frustrating for the person suffering to have to try and explain all this to someone who frankly, doesn't get it and probably never will.
I may have to turn around to my mother in a few days and tell her to back off cos the constant questioning and needling doesn't help. A constant reappraisal of my condition doesn't help. Just because I'm on medication doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human, a human with a disease that needs treating. That's life. If it were malaria or something like that, I wouldn't even be having these discussions because that's something physical, something obvious. 'Feeling a bit down' is not depression and never will be. I feel angry at my mother for constantly questioning me – why can't she accept that I have an illness and I need to treat it. It's not because I drink too much – I rarely drink anymore. It's not because I live alone, or because I don't see friends every day, or any of that. It's a disease. It needs to be treated and cared for, not brushed under the carpet.
But it still makes me angry my mother won't just accept that. It's like I'm not worthy to be her daughter if there's something wrong with me.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Positivity
Up until a few months ago, I posted every day (on a weight loss site no less!! http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/) ten reasons to be positive on that day. The rules were the reasons had to be something I had done and was responsible for. The first few were full of things like 'I brushed my teeth today' or 'I brushed my hair' but eventually I began to find other things to be positive about. I think it's time to resurrect the practice but not on that site so why not here. Here's the first volume.
1) I got up before the alarm today
2) I woke up smiling
3) I stood my ground with Ma last night
4) I made a second appointment with the doctors even though I didn't want to
5) I started taking the antibiotics
6) I communicated with people
7) I put a load of washing on this morning
8) I finished my music mag and it's given me some ideas
9) My bedroom is still tidy and it's been *weeks* since the major clean up
10) I made it to 10!!! I really struggled today, but I hope this will get easier over time.
My docs visit yesterday was only partically successful, since he really wasn't interested but as I said above, I got the antibiotics for my toe infection and I made the appointment for today to talk to someone about the depression. I may have made a complete show of myself in the docs surgery, but I did it and I stood my ground.
Let's hope today is better than yesterday!!!
1) I got up before the alarm today
2) I woke up smiling
3) I stood my ground with Ma last night
4) I made a second appointment with the doctors even though I didn't want to
5) I started taking the antibiotics
6) I communicated with people
7) I put a load of washing on this morning
8) I finished my music mag and it's given me some ideas
9) My bedroom is still tidy and it's been *weeks* since the major clean up
10) I made it to 10!!! I really struggled today, but I hope this will get easier over time.
My docs visit yesterday was only partically successful, since he really wasn't interested but as I said above, I got the antibiotics for my toe infection and I made the appointment for today to talk to someone about the depression. I may have made a complete show of myself in the docs surgery, but I did it and I stood my ground.
Let's hope today is better than yesterday!!!
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Ok today will be a good day
Yesterday I spent on the couch, frozen peas in situ, freezing my toes off!!!
Today will be different. Today I am going to a friends house to help her dump a load of stuff and give the place the beginnings of a clear out. We may even have to face more spiders in the end, but we will be brave. We are. after all, modern strong confident women who have lives and careers - what have we to be scared of when 8-legged creepy-crawlies come tearing out of some hidden, dark corner...........
OK so the last time, there were about a million of them (possibly more like 8) hidden under one of the chest of drawers we moved and there was screaming and panicking and running around with sticks.
But I am being brave and facing this. I've also had a good 3pints of water this morning which is helping my headache - lack of water causing some serious problems. I've bound up my infected toe with Savlon and cushioned plasters and tape. I've strapped up my ankle for support today. I've got a load of laundry on, bagged up the rubbish to dump before I go and all I have to do is to wait for the machine to finish and then hang it out, swing by the dump, then on to the jewellers so they can size my finger for my engagement ring, then on to my friends house.
I'm looking forward to it really. I could do with a day of backbreaking labour and a nice meal at the end of it!!! Meeting people, fresh air, exercise - it all helps with depression. Also helping other people - always gets the happy hormones going :)
Today will be different. Today I am going to a friends house to help her dump a load of stuff and give the place the beginnings of a clear out. We may even have to face more spiders in the end, but we will be brave. We are. after all, modern strong confident women who have lives and careers - what have we to be scared of when 8-legged creepy-crawlies come tearing out of some hidden, dark corner...........
OK so the last time, there were about a million of them (possibly more like 8) hidden under one of the chest of drawers we moved and there was screaming and panicking and running around with sticks.
But I am being brave and facing this. I've also had a good 3pints of water this morning which is helping my headache - lack of water causing some serious problems. I've bound up my infected toe with Savlon and cushioned plasters and tape. I've strapped up my ankle for support today. I've got a load of laundry on, bagged up the rubbish to dump before I go and all I have to do is to wait for the machine to finish and then hang it out, swing by the dump, then on to the jewellers so they can size my finger for my engagement ring, then on to my friends house.
I'm looking forward to it really. I could do with a day of backbreaking labour and a nice meal at the end of it!!! Meeting people, fresh air, exercise - it all helps with depression. Also helping other people - always gets the happy hormones going :)
Friday, 23 September 2011
I'm off work
Legitimately as it happens. My ankle is swollen up like a balloon. I went over on it yesterday while stumbling around the site with another person. I didn't think much of it, but today, my ankle is swollen up like a balloon and I can't put any weight on it. It's possibly sprained on top of everything else - it certainly feels like it - but I can't walk and I certianly can't drive, so at least a day on the couch with a pack of frozen peas is me today.
It gives me a chance to take that step back I wanted to take yesterday, but couldn't. as in I couldn't, cos I felt too guilty. I mean depression isn't really illness is it? It's just feeling a bit down. Everyone feels like it sometimes. What's the point in making a fuss?
These are the things that come through my brain. Who am I to think I am any better or worse than anyone else? I'm not. I'm just like everyone else - but I'm unique in my own way. So maybe this ankle is God's way of tell me I need this day off and I need to make the most of it. There may be more posts during the day while I try and work things out, but it's me that has to work them out. I am allowed to say I'm sick when I'm depressed though, cos it is a sickness. It's an illnes. And sometimes you can throw things like drugs at it, something you can manage it on your own, but sometimes, just sometimes, you need to take a day to figure out what's going on and work out what it is you actually need..........so that's me today. Me and my ankle and my bag of frozen peas.
I don't even eat frozen peas, but somehow there's still some in the freezer.
It gives me a chance to take that step back I wanted to take yesterday, but couldn't. as in I couldn't, cos I felt too guilty. I mean depression isn't really illness is it? It's just feeling a bit down. Everyone feels like it sometimes. What's the point in making a fuss?
These are the things that come through my brain. Who am I to think I am any better or worse than anyone else? I'm not. I'm just like everyone else - but I'm unique in my own way. So maybe this ankle is God's way of tell me I need this day off and I need to make the most of it. There may be more posts during the day while I try and work things out, but it's me that has to work them out. I am allowed to say I'm sick when I'm depressed though, cos it is a sickness. It's an illnes. And sometimes you can throw things like drugs at it, something you can manage it on your own, but sometimes, just sometimes, you need to take a day to figure out what's going on and work out what it is you actually need..........so that's me today. Me and my ankle and my bag of frozen peas.
I don't even eat frozen peas, but somehow there's still some in the freezer.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Imagine the scene
Well several scenes.
First:
I sit at my computer, back turned to the office, empty mostly, except for people passing through. Even so, I try to dab my eyes and nose rather than make a fuss. I try to let the tears out quietly. I'm shaking, I feel so miserable, but no one notices.
Second:
I sit on the toilet, letting the tears fall freely, trying to breath as quietly and normally as possible, letting it all fall out. They last for a long time - to the point where the cleaner asks if I'm ok - I managed to answer in a normal enough voice, indicating bowel troubles rather than tears. By letting the tears fall without rubbing, I manage to avoid the puffy red-eye symptoms.
These aren't scenes I made up -both happened today. I think any doubts I had about the depression coming back are gone after today. I feel awful. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to interact with anyone. I want to stay in bed and hibernate. A lot.
My feet hurt. An awful lot. Walking is extremely painful and even if I hadn't been crying from depression, then I would've been crying from pain.
Overall, things are not good. I'm planning on not going into work tomorrow - that's how bad things are.
So what next? well a good hot bath tonight, followed by an early night. maybe that will help. Otherwise, tomorrow will be a jammies/couch day.
First:
I sit at my computer, back turned to the office, empty mostly, except for people passing through. Even so, I try to dab my eyes and nose rather than make a fuss. I try to let the tears out quietly. I'm shaking, I feel so miserable, but no one notices.
Second:
I sit on the toilet, letting the tears fall freely, trying to breath as quietly and normally as possible, letting it all fall out. They last for a long time - to the point where the cleaner asks if I'm ok - I managed to answer in a normal enough voice, indicating bowel troubles rather than tears. By letting the tears fall without rubbing, I manage to avoid the puffy red-eye symptoms.
These aren't scenes I made up -both happened today. I think any doubts I had about the depression coming back are gone after today. I feel awful. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to interact with anyone. I want to stay in bed and hibernate. A lot.
My feet hurt. An awful lot. Walking is extremely painful and even if I hadn't been crying from depression, then I would've been crying from pain.
Overall, things are not good. I'm planning on not going into work tomorrow - that's how bad things are.
So what next? well a good hot bath tonight, followed by an early night. maybe that will help. Otherwise, tomorrow will be a jammies/couch day.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Monday, bloody Monday
I could write two lists today: one no how to cope with depression and another on how not to. Both would be relvant to my weekend.
I actually had a good weekend up until about half 9 last night. I spent time with my old boss, I had a lovely meal out with Al, we spent Sunday morning curled up on the couch watching telly, I helped a friend move some furniture on the way back.....and then I got home. And things got bad.
Al and I ended up having a screaming match over the phone last night. God that sounds awful doesn't it? Well mostly it was me screaming and him talking in his Hannibal Lector voice. That voice scares the hell out of me – hence the screaming. He'd been out and he'd been drinking and he'd gotten really down and wasn't listening to anything I was saying to try and cheer him up. It got to the point where I was sobbing so hard my chest hurt and I was getting really panicky. That's when he started to realise what he was doing and stopped and got all apologetic.
It really scared me though – he hasn't been like that in at least 2yrs – and it's all that bloody school. The sooner he can get out of there the better. He's getting antsy cos he's not in work and he thinks cos he's a mental (his words) no employer will ever want him. I couldn't persuade him that there are employers out there that have a good ethical code and that do look after employees with disability, regardless of the disability, but he just wouldn't listen. He was talking about how every artist needs his dark side and how he needs to explore that dark side and then couldn't understand why I was starting to panic at that point and went on to say that if he hadn't killed himself by 42, he wasn't going to do it so there was no need for me to worry and I should stop being so silly. And it was all in this really horrible creepy Hannibal Lector voice. So that's when I really screamed at him – the phone at this point was on the floor beside me and I was just screaming into it for him to shut up.
I think it was then he realised what he was doing properly and he at least stopped talking like that and started talking like Al again. But I was so scared and panicked. What can I do when he gets like this and I'm 150miles away? I can't do a damn thing! But he won't leave the school cos that would be admitting defeat.
This morning I feel a bit better – I think I just turned my brain off last night at some point, but it was awful, really horrible. And after we'd had such a good weekend as well. I'm thinking I need to start focussing my search in Northamptonshire area so I can at least be close enough to him to be able to see him during the week.
But this morning I can also feel this black cloud hanging over me. I can feel the walls closing in. I can feel the windows close up and the air stop moving. I can feel my world shrinking til all there is feels like one tiny black point of pain and despair. I started really well this morning. I had my porridge for breakfast. I made lunch to bring into work. I remembered to bring a snack. And then I was starving this morning and my snack didn't touch it. So I got a bar of chocolate and a sausage roll. And now I feel sick. And all this is leading to the thoughts in my head going round and round and round, spiralling out of control. Typing this out was meant to help but it's not.
I need to take a step back and do something productive. Unfortunately I'm in work, so productive is limited. What I want to do is to find out all those things I need to know – all the things that will help me and him and get us to where I need to be. I need to talk this out with someone who knows me. Someone who isn't related to me but knows me. I think I may need another session with Sharon. I think I will email her this morning.
I want to be at home, curled up in bed, crying my eyes out. I want to be at home, warm and snug, hidden from the world. I don't want to be in work, I don't want to be with people, I want to be away, away, away. But I'm being sensible. Hiding in bed achieves nothing. I need to take proactive steps to get better. Eat properly and sensibly. Get some exercise. Partake in a social life. Get myself in order. All needs to be done.
So why is the thought of telling my boss I'm ill and staying in bed all day so appealing?
Saturday, 17 September 2011
It's been a week and a half
I'm struggling - with everything. Eating/cooking is, to my brain, so much hassle as to be without reason. Tidying is not happening, although the bedroom is staying tidy. Money is causing me huge problems - well thinking about money is stressing me out and really upsetting me.
I'm applying for jobs left, right and centre. I'm trying to figure out ways of not spending money. I'm trying to figure out ways I can make more money. I'm trying to get things in my head right.
I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to eat properly. I'm trying to keep myself interested in food enough so I don't go into diet/binge mode again.
I'm fairly certain my depression is kicking off big time again - I can't sleep and I'm constantly trying not to cry. I'm looking at jobs I shouldn't touch cos I know what it will end up like, but I'm so stressed about the ring and paying off debts and getting Al back in work and realistically the only way as a couple we will end up with more money is if we a) manage to live together and b) I get a better paid job.
So I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and generally moping. I don't feel any better for it - in fact I feel like I was on a drinking binge last night - but it's done now. And that's one more night that's gone. On the plus side, it's a night I spent nothing. And I applied for several (read: approx 12) jobs.
Am I putting myself under too much pressure? Am I forcing myself down a road that I don't want to go down? I can see the potholes. I can see the problems coming up. The question is - can I deal with them? Will I get support or will I be alone in a marriage?
What do I do?
I'm applying for jobs left, right and centre. I'm trying to figure out ways of not spending money. I'm trying to figure out ways I can make more money. I'm trying to get things in my head right.
I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to eat properly. I'm trying to keep myself interested in food enough so I don't go into diet/binge mode again.
I'm fairly certain my depression is kicking off big time again - I can't sleep and I'm constantly trying not to cry. I'm looking at jobs I shouldn't touch cos I know what it will end up like, but I'm so stressed about the ring and paying off debts and getting Al back in work and realistically the only way as a couple we will end up with more money is if we a) manage to live together and b) I get a better paid job.
So I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and generally moping. I don't feel any better for it - in fact I feel like I was on a drinking binge last night - but it's done now. And that's one more night that's gone. On the plus side, it's a night I spent nothing. And I applied for several (read: approx 12) jobs.
Am I putting myself under too much pressure? Am I forcing myself down a road that I don't want to go down? I can see the potholes. I can see the problems coming up. The question is - can I deal with them? Will I get support or will I be alone in a marriage?
What do I do?
Monday, 12 September 2011
Despression
Depression. It's an ugly word isn't it? It leads people to think of those who claim depression for the least hint of sadness to those who think that any and all mental illness can be labelled 'depression'. I'm a sufferer and this weekend I think I may have had a mild bout. I got home late on Friday night (after 11pm) and woke up in tears on Sat morning. No reason for the tears, I was just crying. This would be clue one.
I then spent the majority of the day (all of the day in fact apart from two hours I spent getting into town to lodge a check and get some dinner) asleep or doing either in bed or on the couch. I repeated this routine on Sun, but made it out of bed for slightly longer. This would be clue two.
I only ate once on Saturday and then on Sunday grazed all day – despite being hungry to the point of illness at one point. Once I felt sick, I then ate right the way through the hunger scale til I was again feeling sick, this time from over-eating. This would be clue three.
I did the bare minimum of personal grooming over the weekend, staying in my jammies for most of it, taking no time for hair or make-up, basically allowing myself and the house to look abysmal all weekend. This would be clue four.
I wanted no contact with anyone over the weekend. Emailing or ringing friends was too much hassle and anyway, I didn't have the energy to do it. Speaking to my family was a task of gargantuan proportions. Even speaking to Al took more energy than it normally would take. This would be clue five.
Of course these are all great clues and if I could pick up on them at the time, it would be great. Unfortunately however, these things only become obvious after the fact. At the time, I was wrapped up in my head and unable to snap out of it. The crux came this morning. I had the choice of getting up and going to work or staying in bed. I hit snooze so many times, the neighbours must think I like my alarm music! Eventually I got myself out of bed with the bribe of a McDonald's breakfast. Not the best cure ever for depression, but it got me showered, dressed and out of the house. Once I was dressed and out of the house, I had no excuse to not go into work. So here I am.
It was a good move – I have to interact with people in here and that will help me snap out of the gloom, but at some point I need to go home again as well. So, I have four evenings this week at home. The aim is to tackle one room per evening. I want to start with my bedroom since that is the biggest task – any clothes I can make £5 or more on will be going on ebay, everything else will be bagged for the charity shop. The underbed will be clear and all the various bags and boxes emptied so I know that everything I have in the house is worth keeping. Even two hours at this with some energetic music on will help a lot and make my room a peaceful and relaxing room to be in. That's important to me.
The ebay stuff will go on ebay straight away and the other stuff will go in the car boot tonight so it won't be clogging up the house. I can make that room a lot nicer than it is right now, so that's what I'll do.
As for the rest – well the living room isn't actually that bad – once I sort out the ebay stuff that is it sorted really. A quick hoover and all will be well. Bathroom is only a quick clean as well, and the kitchen isn't in too bad a state – I just need to get the washing up sorted and dump the empty boxes and bottles. So the big hurdle is the bedroom so that gets tackled first.
As to how this is related to the depression? It's a lot easier to manage depression when I'm in pleasant and neat surroundings. A carpet of clothes is not conducive to a restive mind. And I have too many clothes – most of which I don't wear. I want to get back to the days of a wardrobe and a chest of drawers to hold everything and leave the rest.
As for today – I'm trying to get on with things. But again, I want to be at home while I feel rearing to go like this rather than stuck in work. I may get a pass out for a docs appointment later. I feel bad about that, but chances are the boss won't mind.
So there we go. Another day in the life of a bored, depressed engineer.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Money, money, money
Money is the root of all evil. I forget who first said that, but it has some bearing in truth I think. Money is certainly causing me problems at the minute. Well that's not true – my past spending habits are causing me problems. The ghosts of spending past are coming to haunt me now.
It's my own fault of course and it's something I'm aware of and happy to accept responsibility for. So right now, I'm making out what www.moneysavingexpert.com calls my Statement of Affairs.
| | Debits | Credits |
| Incomings | | |
| Pay | | £2,407.00 |
| | | |
| Outgoings | | |
| Rent | £625.00 | |
| Council tax | £89.00 | |
| Gas | £16.00 | |
| Electricity | £12.00 | |
| Gym | £28.95 | |
| Water | £25.00 | |
| Mobile | £25.00 | |
| Landline | £25.00 | |
| Virgin | £33.00 | |
| Contents Insurance | £8.65 | |
| Car Insurance | £30.65 | |
| Union | £10.96 | |
| WLR | £7.33 | |
| TV Licence | £12.29 | |
| Lotto | £9.00 | |
| Magazine | £2.00 | |
| Food | £200.00 | |
| Petrol | £100.00 | |
| Loan | £610.00 | |
| BOI min | £76.50 | |
| Tesco min | £45.00 | |
| BC min | £178.00 | |
| | £2,169.33 | |
| | | |
| Left: | | £237.67 |
Currently, that £237 is going on physio and counselling – both of which are instrumental in getting me back on track life-wise, so I am comfortable with the need for them. However, if I were to put that money towards the debt, it would come out like this:
| Debts | | Paid by: (current) | Paid by: (extra £200/month) | Paid by: (new job) |
| Loan | £6,100.00 | Jul-12 | Jul-12 | Jul-12 |
| BC | £7,902.00 | Apr-13 | Dec-12 | Aug-12 |
| Tesco | £2,000.00 | Aug-13 | Feb-13 | Sep-12 |
| BOI | £3,060.00 | Jul-13 | Apr-13 | Aug-12 |
So, paying off that extra £200 a month would reduce the life of my debt by four months. If I get my new job and stick to this payment schedule, it would knock an entire year off my repayment time. All of this is very exciting, but either way, I will be debt-free in August 2013 – the first anniversary of my wedding :) I can't wait – for both occasions!
As for the wedding? That's being paid for out of revenue – that is the money I currently spend on shopping, food, petrol etc, as well as any money I make off ebay or my writing. Those amounts are not being considered in the calculations for debt repayment because a) they're in no way consistent and b) I can't guarantee they will be a continuing source of income.
All very sensible, isn't it? Of course if Al and I finally manage to move in with each other that will free up another £500 a month as things currently stand. But that isn't likely in the near future so I must wait and see how that goes. I am determined to enter my marriage with less than £10 k of debt. That is entirely achievable. There is nothing about this that I can't do. So – I'm going to do it. This weekend is full on 'ebaying and emptying the house' weekend. I'm aiming to get 100 items listed on ebay. Even if I made £1 profit on each, that would be another £100 to put towards the debt.
I'm also thinking that a good clear out will let me assess a few things for myself as well. A food inventory will need to happen this weekend since I'm sure there's loads of food in my kitchen that is perfectly edible, I've just forgotten about it. I am determined to get through the next two weeks spending less than £10 per week on food. (And that will be mainly on bread and milk). If food is about to go off, I need to cook it and freeze it. I can do batches of things and freeze the left-overs for another night. I that is my aim and I plan to stick to it!
So there we go – it's all out there in black and white now. It's not the end of the world and I can stop things getting out of control again, I know I can. Besides, these thrifty habits will stand me in good stead in years to come. I enjoy things like baking and cooking. I enjoy making things. I enjoy spending time over things for other people. That means that all my 'things' that I've collected over the years can be made into other 'things' or remade to suit other people or whatever for presents that are coming up.
My daily spending notebook will be making an appearance again and I will be faithfully recording every penny I spend and where – including credit card and cash spend. I will no longer be recording cash when I take it out of the bank but when I actually spend it. That seemed to make a huge difference last time and I think it will again.
So no major political debates or whatever else today, I'm just planning my future. Fun, isn't it?
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