review of 2011

it's a good day for reflection today. It's the last day of the year, time to look back and see what worked and what didn't. It's not been the easiest of years. I am more in debt than I was this time last year, I am back on the anti-depressants, I'm back to waking at 3am or earlier and counting down the minutes until I can reasonably get up, I'm worried about a lot of things..........

But there are good things too. I have an engagement ring. al and I have spoken about finances and some other aspects of marriage that were bugging me. I have tackled the major issues with my food relationship and I'm dealing with them - not brilliantly, but I am dealing with them.

I have plans for 2012, but they will wait for tomorrow. For today, I want to look what I have learned from 2011.

1) My feet don't owe me anything, but when they don't work, I suffer both mentally and physically. I've been having serious problems with my feet since June and it's not really getting any better. This means that a lot of the coping strategies I'd put in place for things aren't there any more so I need to find others. I've tried some, with varying degrees of success, but I need to have a look at more.

2) My eating says a lot about my mental state. it's been out of control and it's really hard for me to admit that. It's not even eating the wrong stuff, it's eating things I know I don't really want, but can't be bothered with alternatives. I know what I need to do - draw a line in the sand - and tonight is that line.

3) My personal hygiene is suffering big time with the depression this time. I'm going days without showering and currently my hair resembles a grease factory. This isn't me, but it is the depression. Another line to be drawn in the sand tomorrow. A daily shower might not be a major issue for most people, but for me at this time it really is. Who knew washing was such a big signal!!!

4) When I feel out of control in one area, I deliberately let go control in others. This isn't the best of ideas and I know I'm doing it most of the time, but when I do, I just don't care. I couldn't care less that I'm leaving myself without money for a month when I splash out on big purchases. I couldn't care less that I'm doing myself harm when I stuff my face with something or other. I just don't care. It's like the teenager inside me is saying, 'Screw you' to the world and rebelling against.....well.....me......

It's hard to admit that I'm rebelling against myself, but I have plans.

So overall 2011, not the best year. Nothing catastrophic and maybe I'm a Moaning Minnie for worrying about stuff like this when there were earthquakes, tsunami, nuclear problems, famine, drought, economical collapse, riots and all the rest - but this is my blog not a world blog :)

2012 will be better!!!!