Well I made it out for a walk

In fact I made it out for a lot more as well. We walked into town to dinner on Friday night, I had salad for starter and salad for main (tomato & mozzarella to start and Cajun salmon for main). Then shared a banoffee sundae with was well worth the cals. I went home early, Al got in about 2am I think. He’s not too clear either to be honest. Still, he enjoyed himself!

Saturday, I slept. Did nothing. Hardly even ate if I’m honest. I did manage to go shopping though so the fridge is full again for a while. Lots of greens and protein, not much in the line of carbs. I’m determined to slim down this waist. I’m not going full-hog Atkins or anything cos that leaves out a mountain of veg, but I am aiming on having carbs twice a day rather than 4 times a day! And reducing quantities of said carbs as well.  This belly of mine will reduce!!

Of course the other element in all this is exercise. On Sunday, I introduced Al to the joys of a fitball weights workout. He was surprised at the difference it made having to balance as well as do the weights. I was doing the same weights as him for a lot of it! So a good half hour workout there for us both. OK we were both extremely sweaty and clammy afterwards, but that doesn’t matter. It was fun working out together as well – we’re going to do it once a week anyway.

Yesterday shutdown started in work. Lovely day, but my heels are ripped to shreds from my safety shoes. Still, the climbing up and down the stairs from the 25m level is good exercise. I must have climbed bottom to top and down again at least 4 times yesterday. Alright, so over the course of a day that isn’t much but equally, it’s a lot more than I normally do.

Feeling good about myself today. I need to increase my green veg again – thinking of making bolognaise sauce with all the veggies in the fridge tonight. Lean mince with a pile of veg and a salad on the side will fill me up and do for tomorrow night as well when I come in from Rosemary Conley. Scales say I’ve lost weight this morning so hopefully that will show on Karen’s scales tomorrow night.  Hope so anyway!

So that’s me for the last few days. Getting there, slowly but surely, getting there. Picking up the wedding dress in 4 days is certainly focussing me!!!

How hard is it to go for a walk?

For me at the minute - very. It's ridiculous. I keep coming up with excuses:
- I'm too big and heavy.
- People will see me.
- I'll sweat.
- I'm tired
- I feel really sluggish.
- What if I need to go to the toilet half way from home?
- I have no energy.


Now most of those of those problems will be solved by actually going for the walk. (OK 'people will see me' and the toilet one won't). I know walking will help with me feeling big and heavy. I know sweating and moving will create energy for me in the long run. I know all this, but I've allowed myself to become lazy.

I need to put some prompts in place to get this moving. And most especially, I need to do it now that Al has moved in. Always before, I'd put off exercising when he was home because I wanted to spend time with him. Well we live together now, so I need to exercise while he's there as well as at other times. I need to set my life up to accomodate exercise, be prepared for it, get moving on it.

Not quite base my life around it, but make it so it is as easy to exercise as it is not to. Go back to the days when I planned my food every week and I sorted things out for myself.

In fact, I'm going to do that now - plan my food for the week and get things started. If I do the shopping tonight, then there's no excuse!!!

A self motivating talk

The Fear Factor

What am I afraid of? Failure mostly. I’m scared that if I try at anything and fail, it will crush me. Failure is not an option. But when failure isn’t an option then the attempts that lead to failure also become ‘not an option’.

How do I address my fear of failure? I can try in small things. I can put myself out there, put myself to the test, see where I end up? What is wrong with setting my mind to achieve something and actually doing it?

What’s wrong with goal setting anyway? There are some things I want to do before my wedding.

-          I want to run 5k in 45mins

-          I want to fit into size 18 clothes

I have seven weeks as of today to achieve both of those goals and to be honest, the first will lead to the second.  I have a plan printed off the pc and saved in my documents for the running. I know how best to fuel my body and it mostly doesn’t involve the crap I’ve been putting into it. So I’m going to face my fear. I’m going to stick to my plans. I’m going to plan out next week’s food at the weekend.

Embracing Life’s Uncertainties

OK so maybe things won’t go perfectly according to plan. Quite possibly on Tuesday when I’m due to walk 4 miles, I’ll be tired after a day at work. Maybe I’ll have a late night at work some day. Maybe I’ll come home and the food I had planned just isn’t appealing at all.

Maybe I’ll get sick or will have to do something other than what I had planned. That’s ok. Not sticking to the plan because of outside influences is not a failure. It’s life. It just means that what was meant to happen that day, needs to happen another day instead.

Life isn’t meant to be a regimented ordeal of foreseeable events. It’s meant to be surprising, illuminating, developing morass of experiences. So maybe I take a wrong turn somewhere. I might find something new. I don’t make an exercise class? Maybe I go for a walk or a cycle instead. One door closes, another one opens.

Making Your Dream a Reality

If I want these things to happen, I have to make them happen. No one is going to get out there and do my training for me. No one is going to put food on a plate for me and tell me what to eat and what not to eat (and if I’m honest, that will cause me to rebel and reject the restrictions.)

So I make these things a priority. I make getting up early and going to the gym in the morning a priority over snoozing in bed for an hour. I make organising a sensible dinner and taking time to plan food a priority over watching a comedy show that I’ve seen ten times before. I make me and my health a priority over my comfort and my laziness. I can make this happen. Me.

No one else.

Me.

Small Changes that Lead to a Great Life

I look at my life and there’s lots I want to change about it. But a lot of the changes can start with small things.

Instead of drinking coffee in work, I could switch to peppermint tea – better for the stomach and the general health.

Instead of vegging on the couch every night, I could get out and explore the area, see where the strange paths lead to, see where things are kept, what happens where. I could even bounce on the rebounder while watching telly rather than sitting and vegging. Hell, I could march on the spot and it would make a difference.

I could keep my dining table for eating and not as a place for storing paperwork. I could sit at the able every night to eat my dinner and make an event of it instead of hoofing things down on the couch. I could plan to allow myself time to cook, use healthy snacks to tide me over til the dinner is ready, make healthy versions of my favourite foods. It is the small changes that add up to big changes.

A half hour every day of fresh air would help my mood, my productivity, everything.

But I keep saying ‘I could’ when I mean ‘I will’.

I will switch to peppermint tea in work.

I will get up and explore the area around my home at night.

I will bounce on the rebounder or march on the spot for at least one show a night.

I will keep my dining table for eating.

I will sit at the dining table to eat every night.

I will allow myself time to cook my food.

I will get 30mins of fresh air every day.

Maybe not all at once, but I will do it.

Making a Positive in the World

I’ve already taken some steps in this direction. I’ve started working for a company that helps people in a positive way – they make a drug that makes it possible for renal disease patients to reduce the need for dialysis from every day to twice a week. That’s amazing and I’m working towards making the supply of those drugs more reliable and cheaper than before. I am making a positive difference in the world.

I can tie this in to the fitness thing as well though. I felt good when I ran the Race for Life. I was doing something for charity and ok, so I didn’t do a lot of fundraising, but equally, I paid my dues and that gave some money towards the cause. I will look for a challenge for myself within the next 3 months to work towards in a similar fashion and see where I end up.

I like helping people. I’m getting involved in the STEM ambassadors again and that’s a good thing. It will make me feel good. If I don’t, who will?

Defying Yourself

This one’s tough. Defying myself doesn’t come easily to me. I have had so many people telling me I’m wrong in the past that allowing myself to tell me that I might be wrong feels like a betrayal of myself. But no one’s perfect. It’s not the end of the world.

So that voice inside me that keeps on telling me I might fail, I might not work, I might not succeed…….it’s right. I might not. But if I don’t even try, if I refuse to even start on the journey – what will that achieve? I’ll still be the unfit, fat, size 20 32yr old I am now. If I try – something might change.

And isn’t that something that worth aiming for? Aiming for the stars. I might not get there, but I will get to the top of the tree!!

Something's gotta give!

I slept last night. That’s all that can be said. I was in bed by 5:45 and while I woke at 8:45 and stayed up til close to 11, it can’t be said that I really did much. In fact, I put the washing from the weekend in the machine and it was done, but I couldn’t get the energy to take it out, so it’s still there.

And then I slept til 5:35 this morning and dozed til 7. I’m exhausted.

I know the only way I’m going to get my energy back is to use energy – eat properly, get fresh air, exercise, but why is it so hard to start these things? I know, I’m whining, and I will stop, but I feel the need for a bit of ‘woe is me’ right now.

Small steps. I need to go into town at lunch time because I need to get some lunch. I’ll walk since I have no packages to pick up or anything.  Exercise and fresh air – two birds, one stone.

Efficiency at its best.

For the rest of the morning I’m slapping in some ear phones, getting stuck into paperwork and NOT going on the internet. It’s soo easy and it’s not what I want to spend my day doing. So – productive day here I come!

Weekend shenanigans

Well, I’m smothered in hayfever again today. This is the result of a weekend spent in the wilds of the Meath countryside! It was worth it though. We’ve got the invitations sorted out, the make-up lady sorted out, the flowers sorted out, the menu sorted out…..it’s all good.

Minor mishap in that we got Ma drunk on Fri night so she was extremely sick on Saturday, but that was ok. We had a good gossip and she recovered in time to get everything else sorted anyway. Plus she had the chocolate cake sorted for me as well. For some reason she thought at 32 I was too old for birthday cake???? I don’t know where she got that idea.

Anyway, Dad was delighted with his Father’s Day present of two bottles of brandy. I was thrilled with my birthday present of two charms for my Pandora bracelet. I was a bit upset with Al – he said he’d written me a song, but he’s still working on it and there’s no lyrics or anything, so I feel like I’ve not received anything from him. I know he doesn’t mean it like that, but I felt a bit let down. Still, I’m sure when the song’s finished it will be wonderful.

Today isn’t too bad. A lot of nose blowing, snorting, sneezing etc going on. The man sharing my office must think I have the plague but he’s not saying anything yet. Can’t be helped I’m afraid!

Anyway, lots of visits to the bathroom today to wash my eyes etc cos they really feel clogged this morning. On the plus side, the plane didn’t damage my ears at all – or at least, there was no pain involved, so I’m assuming no damage done.

Tonight I need to get a wash on the go and to put away all the clean laundry. That’s tonight’s job. Just laundry.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the gym before work for 30mins minimum. It’s in my diary, so it’s a date!

Wednesday is Rosemary Conley and I hope to have lost some weight.

Thursday may be a day of rest, we’ll see……..Thankfully this weekend, I have nothing to do at all. I can just relax and chill out and generally make myself feel better!

Happy Birthday to me!

32 today. 32 yrs ago it was Father's Day on the 15th June so I reckon nothing will ever beat that present to either of us, but I reckon Dad will try!!!

Off home tonight for a whirlwind weekend, then back to normal on Monday.......

WOOHOO!!!!

Commitment

It’s Wednesday today. I had a lovely surprise when I got on the scales this morning. 3kg gone.

It didn’t seem real.

It wasn’t.

I think I really need to update the batteries in at least one set of scales right now. Just to get a decent baseline and get moving on this weight thing. There’s some things starting to worry me. For the first time in my life, I had a high blood pressure reading when I did my medical last week. That terrified me. One of my deep heart felt positives about my life has always been that I have low blood pressure. I don’t anymore. That’s scary.

My clothes are starting to wear out. All the size 20s I bought are now wearing out. The aim was to be fitting my size 18’s by the time this happened and I’m not. In truth, I’m nowhere near it. My vital stats are as follows:

Chest: 126 cm

Waist: 113 cm

Upper Arm:  46.5 cm

Thigh: 178.5 cm

Hip: 135 cm

Body Fat: 48.7%

A size 18 looks something like:

Chest: 107cm

Waist: 86cm

Hip: 114cm

OK so that’s wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clothing_sizes) but still. I need to lose a total of  67cm to fit what wiki claims is a size 18.

And that 49% body fat? Well if I were to reach a body fat % of 25% and manage to keep the same lean mass I have now, then my weight should be 82kg. That’s a loss of 37kg.  That will leave me with a BMI of 30. Actually, I’d be happy with that.  37kg is a lot of weight to lose, but it is doable. I know it, deep in my heart I know it. I could even do it in less than a year.

The question is, how to do it. I wonder would going to a weekly class help? It might help me meet people I suppose. And it would take the control of weighing off my hands. Weight Watchers didn’t work for me last time – I got obsessed and ate the same lunch every day for a year. I still can’t look a rice cake square in the face. So what’s next? Rosemary Conley appeals purely because of the exercise element.

The time for procrastination is over. I want to lose 27cm off my waist? I’m going to have to put the work in. there will be room in my budget for a weekly class if I choose that way. My commitment to go to the gym twice a week will also help. Get up off my ass and do something.

New motto. I think it deserves a bigger font as well. From now on, I will

GET UP OFF MY ASS AND DO SOMETHING!!!

It’s in red as well. Gotta mean something!!! Now, off to do it!

Anitbiotics and weight

I swore this time that antibiotics were not going to affect my weight. Well they have. The 2kg that slipped off over the bank holiday are now back with a vengeance. So time to restart, again, to knuckly down, again, to get real with this, again.

I can and will do this. Current aim is to lose one stone before the wedding in August. If I’m honest, I’d like to be a size 18 for the wedding but that may not be possible now. I’ve logged my food for today and I’m in cals. I’ve planned out the food with an eye to nutrition and it’s going pretty well as well. A bit low on fat, but I’ll be adding some peanuts into that so fat proportion will increase. Then I’ve got to plan out the rest of the week. A good week will set me up for the weekend.

Step after that – I am going to ring the gym to set up my induction. I will try for tomorrow and see how it goes. I can do this. Even going to the gym for 20mins at lunch time and hitting the cross trainer will be better than nothing.

My stomach isn’t happy today either. It’s growling at me and generally giving me grief. I’m not sure if it’s a reaction from the ABs or if there’s something else going on, but it’s all the more reason to eat a sensible balanced diet. I’m cutting out chocolate again as well. I don’t miss it when I don’t have it, but when I have it I want more and more and more. It becomes a reflex rather than something I want to do.

Another new start. I can be a size 18 in 2 months. I can work hard and push myself and get through this. A lot of it will be diet, so maybe I need to look at clean eating again? It works when I do it, but I find it so boring. I have some new cookbooks though – look at stir frys and veggie bakes and things like that. Soups are always good as well – break out my thermos again.

All these ideas – need to be sorted into a plan now…….guess what I’m doing for the next half hour!!!

Eating as punishment?

I had eaten my dinner last night and was sitting on the couch when I realised I wanted something else to eat. This wasn’t a hunger signal, it was a mouth signal, but I thought I might have something to satisfy it in the press somewhere.

I didn’t.

I ended up making myself a huge plate of nachos and shoving them all down my throat. After the first taste, I knew I didn’t want them, but I forced myself to eat them. Why? I think I was punishing myself for even thinking of eating after dinner was over. I caught a stray thought in my head that it ‘served me right’ having to eat the nachos. No reason was given - it was just a stray thought that came into my head.

That was interesting, in a weird way. One that I had had the thought and two, that I had noticed it. I decided to do some research today on ‘food as punishment’. It’s a fairly well explored area of eating actually. All sorts of people look into it. Do a google search and you’ll find out. For a personal exploration though, things get a little more difficult.

I have no idea what I was punishing myself for. I suspect it has to do with being ill, not going to the gym and generally not living up to some insane standards I’ve set myself. That’s only a suspicion though, since my subconscious isn’t cooperating this morning. So, the practical side of me is looking at ways to sort this out.

I did the right thing according to most experts. I acknowledged the thought and let it go – at the time. I’ve come back and tried to examine the reasons behind the thought. They are multiple once I start examining myself. Reasons I deserve to be punished right now include:

-          - I didn’t go to Mass at the weekend

-          - I ate a LOT of chocolate over the weekend

-          - I slept away most of the weekend

-          - I’m a fraud at work and amn’t capable of what they need me to do

-          - Work is piling up already cos I CBA to do it

-          - My bedroom is a complete mess

-          - It’s been over a week since I even did the washing up

-          - My house needs a good clean

- 

-    

Now I can tackle all of those. There are reasons and explanations for all of them. For most of the domestic ones, the reason is simple. I’ve been sick. I still am sick. I’ve got a burst ear drum brought on by a suspected ear infection. It’s perfectly acceptable under those circumstances to let things slide a bit.

On the work front – yes the work is piling up. I’m aware of this. The fact is, I’m sick. I’m not  concentrating as well as usual, I’m aware of it and I know once I feel better, I will be back on top of things. Nothing has slid so far it can’t be regained yet.

Being sick isn’t an excuse for everything by the way. I’m still keeping myself clean and presentable, I’m turning up for work, I’m getting through the things I need to get through. I’m just letting the non-essentials slide. And for now, things like a spotless home and a gleaming kitchen are non-essentials. Convincing my subconscious of this is a problem, but I just have to keep going with the mantra, ‘I am good enough.’

I am. I know I am. I have nothing which is deserving of punishment in any normal person’s eyes. If this were a friend who were talking to me, I would tell her to stop being so ridiculous and to cut herself some slack while she was recovering. So why can’t I be as kind to myself as I would be to a friend?

I need to work on that. I was in bed last night with a temperature so bad I had to swop beds at 2am cos the sheets were drenched and yet I came into work today. That’s not the sign of someone who is slacking off. I have to realise I am being hard on myself and I need to chill out a bit. I’m obviously doing something right to lose the weight I have (2kg last week, and that includes the weekend where my brain is telling me I ate nothing but chocolate!!) I need to be thinking in terms of rewards and not punishments.

Maybe my next post will be on what I’ve decided to allow myself as a reward for realising this and for keeping going even with the temp and infection and all the rest of it!