Depression. It's an ugly word isn't it? It leads people to think of those who claim depression for the least hint of sadness to those who think that any and all mental illness can be labelled 'depression'. I'm a sufferer and this weekend I think I may have had a mild bout. I got home late on Friday night (after 11pm) and woke up in tears on Sat morning. No reason for the tears, I was just crying. This would be clue one.
I then spent the majority of the day (all of the day in fact apart from two hours I spent getting into town to lodge a check and get some dinner) asleep or doing either in bed or on the couch. I repeated this routine on Sun, but made it out of bed for slightly longer. This would be clue two.
I only ate once on Saturday and then on Sunday grazed all day – despite being hungry to the point of illness at one point. Once I felt sick, I then ate right the way through the hunger scale til I was again feeling sick, this time from over-eating. This would be clue three.
I did the bare minimum of personal grooming over the weekend, staying in my jammies for most of it, taking no time for hair or make-up, basically allowing myself and the house to look abysmal all weekend. This would be clue four.
I wanted no contact with anyone over the weekend. Emailing or ringing friends was too much hassle and anyway, I didn't have the energy to do it. Speaking to my family was a task of gargantuan proportions. Even speaking to Al took more energy than it normally would take. This would be clue five.
Of course these are all great clues and if I could pick up on them at the time, it would be great. Unfortunately however, these things only become obvious after the fact. At the time, I was wrapped up in my head and unable to snap out of it. The crux came this morning. I had the choice of getting up and going to work or staying in bed. I hit snooze so many times, the neighbours must think I like my alarm music! Eventually I got myself out of bed with the bribe of a McDonald's breakfast. Not the best cure ever for depression, but it got me showered, dressed and out of the house. Once I was dressed and out of the house, I had no excuse to not go into work. So here I am.
It was a good move – I have to interact with people in here and that will help me snap out of the gloom, but at some point I need to go home again as well. So, I have four evenings this week at home. The aim is to tackle one room per evening. I want to start with my bedroom since that is the biggest task – any clothes I can make £5 or more on will be going on ebay, everything else will be bagged for the charity shop. The underbed will be clear and all the various bags and boxes emptied so I know that everything I have in the house is worth keeping. Even two hours at this with some energetic music on will help a lot and make my room a peaceful and relaxing room to be in. That's important to me.
The ebay stuff will go on ebay straight away and the other stuff will go in the car boot tonight so it won't be clogging up the house. I can make that room a lot nicer than it is right now, so that's what I'll do.
As for the rest – well the living room isn't actually that bad – once I sort out the ebay stuff that is it sorted really. A quick hoover and all will be well. Bathroom is only a quick clean as well, and the kitchen isn't in too bad a state – I just need to get the washing up sorted and dump the empty boxes and bottles. So the big hurdle is the bedroom so that gets tackled first.
As to how this is related to the depression? It's a lot easier to manage depression when I'm in pleasant and neat surroundings. A carpet of clothes is not conducive to a restive mind. And I have too many clothes – most of which I don't wear. I want to get back to the days of a wardrobe and a chest of drawers to hold everything and leave the rest.
As for today – I'm trying to get on with things. But again, I want to be at home while I feel rearing to go like this rather than stuck in work. I may get a pass out for a docs appointment later. I feel bad about that, but chances are the boss won't mind.
So there we go. Another day in the life of a bored, depressed engineer.
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