I'm struggling - with everything. Eating/cooking is, to my brain, so much hassle as to be without reason. Tidying is not happening, although the bedroom is staying tidy. Money is causing me huge problems - well thinking about money is stressing me out and really upsetting me.
I'm applying for jobs left, right and centre. I'm trying to figure out ways of not spending money. I'm trying to figure out ways I can make more money. I'm trying to get things in my head right.
I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to eat properly. I'm trying to keep myself interested in food enough so I don't go into diet/binge mode again.
I'm fairly certain my depression is kicking off big time again - I can't sleep and I'm constantly trying not to cry. I'm looking at jobs I shouldn't touch cos I know what it will end up like, but I'm so stressed about the ring and paying off debts and getting Al back in work and realistically the only way as a couple we will end up with more money is if we a) manage to live together and b) I get a better paid job.
So I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and generally moping. I don't feel any better for it - in fact I feel like I was on a drinking binge last night - but it's done now. And that's one more night that's gone. On the plus side, it's a night I spent nothing. And I applied for several (read: approx 12) jobs.
Am I putting myself under too much pressure? Am I forcing myself down a road that I don't want to go down? I can see the potholes. I can see the problems coming up. The question is - can I deal with them? Will I get support or will I be alone in a marriage?
What do I do?
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