Imagine the scene

Well several scenes.

First:

I sit at my computer, back turned to the office, empty mostly, except for people passing through. Even so, I try to dab my eyes and nose rather than make a fuss. I try to let the tears out quietly. I'm shaking, I feel so miserable, but no one notices.

Second:

I sit on the toilet, letting the tears fall freely, trying to breath as quietly and normally as possible, letting it all fall out. They last for a long time - to the point where the cleaner asks if I'm ok - I managed to answer in a normal enough voice, indicating bowel troubles rather than tears. By letting the tears fall without rubbing, I manage to avoid the puffy red-eye symptoms.

These aren't scenes I made up -both happened today. I think any doubts I had about the depression coming back are gone after today. I feel awful. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to interact with anyone. I want to stay in bed and hibernate. A lot.

My feet hurt. An awful lot. Walking is extremely painful and even if I hadn't been crying from depression, then I would've been crying from pain.

Overall, things are not good. I'm planning on not going into work tomorrow - that's how bad things are.

So what next? well a good hot bath tonight, followed by an early night. maybe that will help. Otherwise, tomorrow will be a jammies/couch day.