A month is a long time

OK so it's five weeks! But I slipped away into the seas of depression for a bit and it's been tough getting back into normal life. Weirdly, yes, I count blogging as part of normal life.

November disappeared on me. I honestly don't know what happened to it. Other sufferers of depression will know what I'm talking about. I got up, I went through the motions, I got through it all - including an annual appraisal that I really hope I can get the paper copy of soon cos I can't remember a damn thing of it -and I woke up a bit at the start of December.

December so far has been crap. Plantar fasciitis has played up, forcing a visit to the doc where I got lambasted over my weight again. Add into that the intense pain of the bloody plantar and I'm fed up.

So I've decided 2013 is going to be a good year. I'm sick of all these stupid complaints I keep having and I'm starting to plan now for how 2013 is going to be a good year.

Not much of a recap I know for such a long absence, but that's what happens when the brain shuts down all but the absolute necessary functions.

Stop the world I want to get off

This has been getting worse for the last few weeks. I've been feeling more and more tired, despite doing all the good things like making sure I have a proper bedtime routine, getting enough sleep, getting fresh air, eating a reasonably balanced diet, all the rest.

But last night I had a breakdown with Al and this morning I just want to curl up into bed and stay there til the world goes away. I don't want to be in work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to have to dress and wash and do all those normal adult things. I just want to get into bed, curl into a ball and stay there until everything just GOES AWAY.

The worst part of it is, I'm meant to be so happy right now. I hate thinking I should be happy - there's lots in my life I'm not happy about, and I am working to change them, but it's all so so so slow and none of it will really change for at least 18months or more.

I just want to opt out of it all. I'm not suicidal, I don't meant that, I just want to curl up and be left alone and just have quiet and dark and peace.

Struggling not to cry in work and it's for no good reason. No reason at all other than I feel like there's this huge wave of - something -  hovering over me and it's all about to come crashing down.......

Low leverl misery

It’s another day in work. There’s sunshine outside, I can see it!! But I’m in the office and something is stopping me from leaving it. I don’t know why. OK it is freezing out there (not an exaggeration for a change!!) but I can wrap up warm. I can evacuate. What on earth is wrong with me?

I can see the depression sneaking in along with the cold that is trying a sneak attack at the minute as well. I haven’t felt well for a few weeks now. Something’s going on. Sore ears, filling nose, nose bleeds, headaches, stomach not working right. What’s going on?

It could be stress I suppose and I need to have a look at that, but I really shouldn’t be stressed. There’s nothing to really stress me about! I have work going on, I am getting through it, I am getting to where it needs to be slowly, slowly.

I’m losing weight – again slowly, slowly. Not sure what’s going on with that, but it’s working so I’m not being too upset with it. I’m not worrying about food either – things are moving along basically.

Maybe I just need to snap out of it. If I go home at lunchtime, pick up my mp3 player and just go for a walk to get it all out of my system, that might help. Just something to get the blood moving and the heart pumping and move for a bit.  Get moving, get pumping, something to lift the spirits!

Long time

Well by now anyone who reads this blog knows when I'm not writing it normally means somethings come up. This time it was a bout of depression. I didn't even recognise it at first, which was annoying, I only knew I was sleeping a lot, not feeling very energetic, eating all starchy, carby, fatty food and feeling extremely tearful. In fact on several occasions I was crying with Al asking what was going on and me not being able to tell him what was wrong.

It got a bit better this week. I forced myself out to a bootcamp in Cambridge on Monday (check it out: Supreme Fitness ) and I felt a lot better afterwards. I was annoyed with myself at how little I could do but at least I did something. There was meant to be a repeat performance last night, but the instructor had a death in the family so watch this space.

I've also been wondering why I've been having such bad headaches all week as well - it's at least partly because of the concrete cutting going on outside the office. It's this horrible, continuous, irritating, nerve-grating noise and it just won't stop. I've been told it should be complete by Monday. I really hope so, or I'm taking a few days off. I can't keep going like this.

I've had two nose bleeds today and me ears feel like they're about to pop with all the pressure on them.

So I'm down again today.

On the other hand, I'm off to visit a friend of mine at the weekend so that will be fun and I managed a very quick conversation with another friend on the phone. So all is not lost. Plus I got my first delivery today from Well Hung Meat Company and the meat looks good. Reasonable prices as well and the quality looks a lot better than I'd get in the supermarket for the same price.

So, home tonight and probably straight to bed. Feeling awful with all the noise.

Gyms, money, and life

I don’t know what to write. The weekend was so up and down it was unbelievable. It started off well. I went to bed at 4pm on Friday, slept til eight, got up, ate too many nachos, went back to bed and slept til 7am Saturday. I pottered about, then rearranged the bedroom. It’s now tidy and much better arranged. I managed to make an attempt at cleaning up the kitchen and downstairs was tidy enough for out visitors. We had a great evening with the visitors, probably drank a bit too much, but nothing to really worry about.

Just before we went to bed, Al told me he’d borrowed more money from his parents. He hadn’t told me because he was ashamed of not having money. Apparently they’ve been drip feeding him poison over the last few weeks, saying how his value as a man and a husband is nothing since he isn’t brining in any money. Well ok, he’s not and it annoyed me too, but he was doing his best. He’s signed up with so many agencies and now he’s signed up with one in particular, he hasn’t had a day off! OK so his first paycheck won’t be til November but that’s ok. We’ve made deals with the people we need to deal with to make sure we don’t lose anything. We covered all the bills eventually. We’re ok.

My husband was embarrassed to talk to me about this cos he was afraid of upsetting me. Well that balloon burst on Sat night. I was upset. I was more upset at the fact that his parents are being such bastards to him. He’s not a man, he’s nothing without a job, all his worth is in his job. I rang Mam at 1am Sunday to talk about it and she & Dad’re helping us out but I’m so angry and upset about the whole thing.

Then to add insult to injury, I stepped on the scales yesterday to see 19st 13lbs. This morning it’s dropped 4lbs thank God, but it’s still an upsetting number. This morning I am 19st 9lbs. 275lbs. According to the BMI scales I should be ~150lbs at the heaviest. Ideally, I can see myself aiming for a BMI of 30, which means losing 95lbs. Still a long way to go. See I know I eat better when I’m not focussing on weight loss but the initial weight gain is enough to make me cry. Added into the money woes and I’m a mess.

I have started reading the marathon training book. I need to work up to running/walking 3miles easily. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. I do know I want to start swimming again, which means changing gyms. OK it will cost me more per month to go to a gym with a pool, plus the £150 to get out of my contract with my current gym, but sometimes mistakes cost money. That’s life. And if the new gym works, then it’s worth it. Plus I just rang my current gym and it’s all ok, I just need to wait til I get paid and it’s all sorted.

3miles is a lot to me right now. It usen’t to be and it won’t be again, but right now it is. It’s up to me to change that. Walking isn’t difficult for me, but at this weight, it is hard on the joints. It’s time to find something to help me lose weight, to help me feel better in myself, to feel better in my head.

I’ve had a lot of little upsets in the last few months. Chest infections, tummy bugs, headaches, migraines, lethargy…….you name it, I’ve had it. So, time for a change. Time for me to take responsibility for my health and move on. I can still do Beyond Chocolate because part of that is making choices. I know the foods that don’t make me feel well. I need to start experimenting now with foods that do make me feel well. I haven’t eaten breakfast for weeks cos I’m not feeling hungry. Well maybe I need to let myself get hungry then. Maybe I can dig out my old microwave porridge habit and set that going – it was a great way to start the day. OK expensive to get the pre-packaged stuff, but it tasted better and required less energy.

All these things I know work – well it’s time to get back to them. I can’t keep going the way I am and I can’t keep feeling like this. It’s time to change. Now.

Walk at lunchtime. I don’t have lunch with me so I can walk into town and get something from Greggs or Boots or something. Easy. 11mins walk according to the Fount of all Knowledge (or Bing Maps if you prefer!)

That’s lunch settled then. The rest of my life? Less so. 

A special Friday night

            Well today I’ve been mainly reorganising my office. Since I came to the new company, I’ve been in an office with two desks. Both desks faced the walls of the room and not each other meaning my back was both to the door of the office and to the other person in the room. This affects me, even in an empty room. When I was told yesterday that I would not have the office to myself for a further 6 months, my immediate reaction was that I needed to rearrange the furniture. I can’t handle working like this for all that time. So this morning we’ve been moving furniture.

We’ve got rid of two pedestals from the room and now the desks are facing each other. We’ve gotten rid of a lot of paperwork from the office and streamlined a few filing tray systems. We’ve reorganised the IT systems to make them suit us rather than the other way around. I have to say that I’ve also noticed the difference it makes to me. Sitting with my back to the wall and facing the room feels so much better than the old way.

I think I’ll do the same with the bedroom tonight at home. I’m not happy with the flow around there either. I might go online and have a look at some feng shui about bedrooms. I think we need a chair in there as well since the clothes just get dropped on the floor otherwise and the current arrangement with the mirror just doesn’t work..

Having had a quick look, our current arrangement could be the reason for my bad sleeping habits. We have the bed at a place where access to one side is difficult and we have the place cluttered with bits and bobs. So some streamlining is in order. We have a lot of junk in the room – old make-up, unused or not working appliances, wasted space with mirrors etc, clothes that are too old, too big or too small to currently wear. Stuffed wardrobe but empty shelves above them……generally a lot of clutter and not much to ease the mind.

So steps I need to take to make the bedroom more accessable:

1. Declutter clothes. Again.
2. Remove everything we don’t use from the bedroom.
3. Turn the bed 90° so it has easy access both sides.
4. Put a bedside table at each side.
5. Put the chests of drawers at the end of the bed.
6. Get rid of the various baskets and boxes in the bedroom.
7. Place one chair by the end of the bed for clothes.
8. Empty out the underneath of the bed and decide what is going where – and put it there.
9. Hoover and dust the whole room!!!

OK a lot of hard work. But if it makes the room more accessible and nicer in general, plus gives us more space, then it’s worth it.

So that’s my Friday night. Plus making up the spare room cos we have visitors coming tomorrow. The nice kind though – the kind that won’t be looking and judging etc.

The Happiness Project

I’m in a philosophical mood this morning – which is good cos I’ve managed to bamboozle my boss into seeing things my way through use of big words and long sentences already. I’ve also got to get my thinking hat on to persuade the admin ladies to change what they do…….that’s going to be difficult. Some of them are very stuck in their ways – even the young ones!

Anyway, I’m going to be working with them for a few weeks to catch up on backlog and allow me to gather some meaningful data in a time when it might be useful! Currently we’re running about six weeks behind and the boss has just received some KPIs he needs to produce that mean we need to be running in front.

In other news – I’m reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (her website) . It’s sort of self-help/memoir in that she basically takes a year and works on making herself more happy. Some of the insights she’s coming up with are extremely interesting and I can see how they’d work.. For example, not scoring points with Al – thinking of all the things he does for me on their own rather than then comparing it to what I do for him. He does a lot – brings me a cup of coffee in the morning when I get up at the same time as him, He always compliments me on how I look. He takes care of the grass so I don’t have to suffer through hayfever. He is pretty good at managing his own laundry.

Last night I felt hard done by since I cooked dinner, tidied the kitchen, cleaned up the living room, put away the dry clothes and he came home and did……well nothing. But that’s ok. He was teaching special educational needs people yesterday and that takes a lot out of anyone. So it’s ok. After all, he spent most of the weekend entertaining his parents and most of the week before looking after me…….

So I’m trying to take some ideas from Gretchen Rubin.

The last few days (well ok, two!) I’ve not turned on the telly as soon as I came in and it makes a difference to the evening. It feels like I’m doing things, even if that ‘doing things’ is only putting away a few clothes or tidying the kitchen, or burning a smelly candle. It makes the house feel warmer, tidier, happier somehow…..Of course it doesn’t change the fact that we have one shed packed full of stuff that needs to be sorted, but it’s a start.

Tonight, I’m going to try and sort out the bathroom – it really needs a deep clean, so Cilit-Bang and elbow grease it is. We’ve got hard water around here and the scale soon builds up on the taps and things, but it’s such a hassle to clean off.

I also need to think about our bedroom. We seem to have a ‘dumping ground’ for things that’s very annoying. Maybe putting the chair from the spare room there will help – but I will need to move furniture to fit it all in. Still, the place also needs a good clear out so maybe it’s time.  I did a good first go-through of my clothes a few weeks ago and it feels good to be able to get into my wardrobe now, but there’s more dross to be emptied out I think. Plus Al’s got some T-shirts that could go as well.

It’s going to be a cathartic Friday night for me this week – I can tell!!!

Compliments

One of the ladies in my office just complimented me on my choice of cardigan today. Initially, I just shrugged saying it was part of the top I was wearing (wonderful two-in-one jobbie from Next, similar to item 836-693-GX3). She looked almost offended and I remembered to smile and say thank you.

Accepting a compliment is hard. I’ll admit it. For many years, I’d brush them off, just as I did this morning, thinking the person offering this positive view of me or my accomplishments was either incorrect or wanted something.

These days, I try and take a different view. Try being the operative word in that sentence. Of course from  Yoda to Richard Bandler people say that there is no ‘try’. You either do something or you don’t. Using ‘try’ is a get-out clause!

I’m counting today a success. OK it wasn’t done straight away, but the ‘thank you’ and the smile came eventually. Accepting compliments was not something that was taught to me as a child. Modesty and humility forbad ever assuming the person complimenting you was right! I saw my mother, time and time again, after spending hours slaving over a nice dinner for visitors, brush off compliments with a ‘Oh it’s nothing’ or ’Sure it’s only a small thing’.

I learned, through both direct lessons and observation, that accepting a compliment was a difficult thing. Humility is meant to be at the heart of us all. Being proud is wrong. Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins  after all. Not even just a minor venial sin, a cardinal one! Accepting a compliment might be a sign of pride. And yet, we’re told to take pride: pride in ourselves, pride in our work, pride in our families. No wonder I’m so mixed up!

It’s a long way from a childhood blushing because someone told me I had a pretty dress on (it was my Communion Day, possibly the only time below the age of 12 I remember wearing a dress, but it was white and silky, they were sort of obliged to say it was nice!) to smiling and saying thank you to a co-worker for noticing I was wearing a nice top.

Acceptance of oneself, just as one is, is one of the tenets of Beyond Chocolate. It also seems to tie in with NLP and other practices I’ve been investigating over the last while. I find it easy to accept my faults – I’m quick tempered, I’ve got a foul mouth at times, I find it difficult to concentrate on one task for periods of time, I take my husband for granted……………the list could go on forever. Accepting the things I’m good at? Whole other story. Even when it’s other people telling me – after all, what do they know? J

Some weekends are meant to try us!

Busy weekend. In-laws staying with us. Or ‘Outlaws’ as my boss refers to them! Even if I hadn’t been ill all week, this weekend would have been tough.

The course (Intro to NLP) on Saturday was really interesting and will be useful. It was run by the Stress Management organisation and the man running it was very personable. I suppose he has to be in his job – but the whole thing made me feel better and had led to a support network for at least the next three weeks in reaching the goals we were talking about. A very long day though. I was exhausted on Sat night.

Yesterday was grand. I really could've done with longer in bed, but when poor Al got up at 8 I started feeling a bit guilty about staying in bed, so made it up at 8:45. Apparently this was an unholy hour to sleep in until. I didn't like to break it to them that it was probably the earliest I'd gotten up on a Sunday in quite a while! And then, they went out to buy bread for breakfast, completely ignoring the loaf on the kitchen counter. Apparently, home made bread isn’t right for them.

The  Robin Hood Game and Country Show was fun. We went on Sunday for the afternoon, mainly to get out of the house. We saw jousting and a few bits of archery and plenty of dogs for Gail to fuss over. Plus Al and I got a few mins to ourselves walking around as well. I loved watching the jousting. This young lad managed to squirm his way to the front, but then couldn’t see through the fence, so I held him up for the duration. His poor mother was frantic with embarrassment, but sure, he wanted to see the horses and he couldn’t from as close to the ground as he was.

Those horses were magnificent though. Really lovely looking!

Still, they bought dinner last night to say thank you for organising it. In the end we had to go to the Harvester and she managed to complain about everything in there, but it was her suggestion so nothing we could do. I found it quite nice – chicken burger followed by chocolate sundae. OK I was nearly falling asleep into my ice cream, but that’s ok, I enjoyed it and was full, slightly overfull but not bursting.

Anyway, when I got up this morning - the kitchen table was already occupied so I got to work slightly earlier than I had planned. I'm looking forward to tonight and relaxing and having the house back! I think Al feels the same way – I had an escape on Sat but he was full on for both days!

Gail wanted to do some washing while she was with us, but Al swears he put it on so all she got to do in the line of housework was some washing up and that was cos I wasn't there either. I think the message is getting through though. Bill wanted to fix our bathroom door (it wedges shut in damp weather) but I convinced him he shouldn’t since it was a rented house and any damage would come out of the deposit.

Roll on tonight, an early night, a nice dinner, maybe a glass of wine or something......

I'll post properly in a while about the course on Sat and the outcomes, mainly cos I want to publicise it while still keeping it private - but there are some things I want to do, so do them I will.

I've been sick

Well frankly, I still am. According to the doc yesterday, I've done a grand job of almost completely fighting off a case of chest infection. Wonderful. As an added bonus, if I don't feel better tomorrow, I get to go on antibiotics. Even better. needless to say, it will take a miracle for me not to feel better tomorrow.

So mainly over the last 3 days, I've been lying in bed/on couch/ on bathroom floor/ on kitchen floor, trying to gather the energy to get to the next place I'm going. During this time, as an indication of how sick I was, I didn't manage to finish one book. In fact it was worse than that - I still haven't finished the book I started LAST THURSDAY!!!

When I told my mother this, she was sure I was on death's door. It's amazing isn't it? Hearing me croak over the phone, the graphic descriptions of what I was coughing up (bright green), of how little I was eating (basically nothing), of how many night sweats I'd had (eight) and how many new pairs of jammies I'd had to buy (four) got a reaction of 'Oh poor you, I'm sure you'll be better soon.' One mention of having been incapable of reading a book and I get something akin to panic: 'I'll be on the next flight over, is Al there to look after you, does he know what to do'...... etc. etc. etc. Between that and the words 'chest infection' coming out of the doctor's mouth (words destined to put fear in mother's heart ever since the fever of '02 when our family doc at home was called out at 2am and told Ma there was no way on earth she should've waited til morning)...well my poor mammy was worried in the extreme.

And then the in-laws came calling.

OK to be fair, it wasn't like they were calling unannounced. The visit had been planned for about a month. But they knew I was sick. They knew Al had been sick last week. They knew our attitudes to taking time off work. All the signs were there that a visit was the last thing we needed. They even said on arrival they'd thought twice about coming since we were ill.

And yet they came.

And they're here til Monday.

So we're entertaining. I spent most of yesterday forcing the hoover across carpet that frankly could have gone another month or so without desperately needing hoovering. I dusted. I swept and mopped floors. I baked. I cooked. I washed. I dried. I did laundry. In short, I exhausted myself so that the first time my mother-in-law set foot in our marital home, she wouldn't have the chance to find fault with anything.

Why?

Cos I've seen the problems she's caused in her other son's house and I won't have that happening in my home. If that means I get up at 6am on my first day back at work to do the washing up and fold laundry - so be it. It's worth it for the security of my marriage. Do I resent her for it? Of course. Do I wish I could trust her to help out as I ask and no further? Of course. Is it going to happen? Hell no. They haven't learned a thing from the whole fiasco with the other son. They're trying to replay it all with us. I mean, who comes to visit people when they're both in work? It's plain unfair. It means instead of collapsing into jammies tonight when I get home and sleeping, I've to cook and play hostess.

So, another hour or so in work and then off I go. Home for a long tiring weekend.

Roll on Monday when I might get some peace and quiet!

Life put on hold.....

I've caught Al's cold. It came as a surprise to noone but myself, but I'm still miserable.

I've suffered through five hours at work and am contemplating going home early since I feel rotten and want to go home to bed and sleep. I feel miserable.

Lemsip isn't working very well, water isn't helping, my temp is going up and down like a yo-yo and I'm generally not feeling happy.

I think an early retirement from work today and a new start tomorrow.......

Chirpy Thursday

Shock, shock, horror, horror…..

I’m wearing a dress!!!  

With inch thick black tights and some cheap Asda black flat shoes and a black cardie. It feels a lot shorter in work than at home, but it is actually respectably knee length……. It’s this one - http://www.next.co.uk/x502062s2#799322x50 and I feel good in it.

Plus, it’s not too tight and is on the verge of being too loose. Not quite too loose though :)

Feeling good.

My face is still feeling scrubbed to within an inch of it’s life after the facial. It was lovely, but the woman really was a fanatic about skin care. Only to be expected with her job, but honestly? I’ve survived this long on a minimalist skin care routine! And crow’s feet really don’t bother me that much. Still, lovely experience. Highly recommend it – it was a living social deal dermatalogica facial. Lovely.

Dinner last night was a chicken sandwich cos we had a huge lunch. Al is suffering from a bad cold but refusing to admit it. Tried to get him to have a hot whiskey last night, but he’d only take a cold one. Doesn’t seem to remember the point of the heat and lemon. Men!

Anyway. Tomorrow I get my office all to myself since today is David’s last day! The cold air will be flowing, the furniture rearranged to my liking, all will be well in Me Land……

And I’ve given up the subscription to the weight loss site. It’s not working for me right now. Possibly time will tell and I will go back, but for now, it’s not working.  I am starting a bootcamp for exercise on Monday though. That should be fun! I drove down by the field it’s held in last night and it seems alright – everyone looked knackered but happy going home.

All good signs.

I can’t wait for the weekend to go through even more clothes for throwing out/selling/etc

The weekend shenanigans....

The weekend was eventful. To say the least.

Saturday I went on a Beyond Chocolate course on the basics of following the ten principles. Since the principles are displayed all over the website, I don’t think there’ll be a problem repeating them here, but if there is – someone tell me and I’ll take them off.

Tune in

Eat when you’re hungry

Eat what you want

Put it on a plate, sit down and focus

Enjoy

Stop when you’re satisfied

Own your body

Move

Support yourself

Be your own Guru

I made a commitment on Saturday at the workshop to Support Myself by talking to Al about the experience and what it meant and why I’d be doing apparently crazy things over the next while. I tried to talk to him Sat night, but honestly, the emotions from the day were still far too high and I was way too tired and emotional to talk rationally.

Even something as stupid as the fact that there were two parcels waiting for me at the post office was enough to start me snarling.

So I eventually took myself to bed, after eating the majority of a box of Guylian chocolates, feeling very sorry for myself and had a bit of a cry before going to sleep.

Sunday, I woke up early and went to watch some telly, but went back to bed about half nine and zoned in and out of dreams and nightmares for most of the morning. I eventually called it quits at half 12 and got up properly. I spent most of the day eating – M&M’s, Revels, bought stuffing from Sainsburys, ditto chicken thighs, ditto potato wedges, coleslaw sandwich, tomato sandwich, jarlsberg cheese………and 8 meringue nests.

OK I looked after myself as well – I was still feeling very raw and emotional, but I spoke to Al. He was as supportive as he always is and was asking how he should act, behave, help,  whatever. We talked about things might change about the place – things like the stocking up thing that I might start on in the next few weeks. He is so helpful and he loves me and hates to see me upset……After all that, I put on Mystic Pizza followed by The Spinal Tap, which was weird, but fairly good fun, then Grease came on……it was a good night. I woke up this morning feeling better than I have done in a while.

I had a shower before work and am wearing some of the new gear from Next (this and this) which is making me feel really good about myself. Tonight, I’m going home from work early to get started on the clothes side of things. I need to do a massive clearout and only have things in my wardrobe that fit and that I enjoy wearing. I know I keep saying it, but today I’m going to do it – not least because with the in-laws arriving on Thursday, I need to tidy the house out!!

I’ve not eaten yet today. I tuned in this morning and I am full. I’m actually full to the point of sickness, even after a night’s sleep, so no need to eat just yet. I may or may not eat at lunch, I will see how I feel. But for now – I’m full.

Sad times

My godson’s brother’s third birthday was yesterday. It was a very sad day. Y’see  the child passed away (cot death) two years ago. He didn’t live to see his first birthday. It’s funny, my friend gets sad on the anniversary of his death, but it’s his birthday that really hits her hard. It’s the passing of the milestones, comparing what his progress might have been compared to his brothers.

She has three living sons, a good partner who is now being called Dad by the other three, a group of friends, some of whom have also lost children, surrounding her and supporting her……..

But this time of year is such a sad time for her, my heart bleeds. I want to help, even though there’s nothing I can do. I want to be there, but it’s not possible with a 4hr drive each way. I want to do something.

But then I remember it’s not about me and what I want. As long as she’s ok, that’s what’s important.

It has made me get out the calendar and start planning in when I can make a trip down there though. The godson’s birthday is in November; that would be a good excuse.

In the meantime, just keep praying for her and for Tobi and trying to make sure I’m at the end of a phone if needed.

Not-a-wet Wednesday

Things went not so well. Was 1260cals over yesterday. Early morning carbs, KFC lunch, then full dinner. Feeling very full today though so hopefully can reduce that a bit. Plus of course there was the underspend on Monday.

 

Other than that – have the books packaged up and ready to be sent off to amazon and webuybooks.co.uk. Between them I will have enough to get a good quality TV stand and I can start rearranging the living room to accommodate a study space for myself.

 

Al was on a flat zone last night – poor thing – so I cooked again. But that meant I wasn’t doing other things. I’ve decided the living room is gone beyond ‘comfortably messy’ and is verging into ‘depressingly slobby’ now, so it needs addressing. Still haven’t come up with anything to do with old OU books – at the minute I may just crate them up and put them somewhere out of sight……..

 

Today – breakfast was a banana and an aero, so could have been better, but could have been a lot worse.

 

Lunch will be yoghurt and fruit, dinner will be a repeat of last night’s beef tagine with couscous. The dinner wasn’t actually high in cals at all, it was all the other stuff that caused the problems.

 

So, on with work and getting my brain in gear.

 

Rang the gym to find out how to get a replacement gym card – I just pop in and it costs £2. That’s not exactly horrendous, so will do that at lunch time. Then no more excuses on the gym front. None. I will start walking again, but the cross trainer will be an easier route into it methinks!!

More nightmares......but moving on

OK today is a good one. I may have had far too little sleep again (nightmares this time!) but that’s ok. I can still cope with life after missing some sleep. I had a breakfast high in carbs and fat and am now feeling a lot better.

I took the chance last night to empty one of my ‘textbook’ bookshelves and between amazon’s trade-in scheme and webuybooks.co.uk, I may make up to £50. Of course that was the cost of one of the books when they were new, but they’re mostly over 10yrs old now and I’m not going to use them again, so no point in keeping them. Plus that money can go towards a few things I’d like to get in the house once I have the space cleared.

Going to go to post office and lunch time to get some packing materials and then off we go.

Aside from that – Al was feeling unloved last night so I cooked dinner and ended up 400cals under for the day. Another reason I don’t feel too bad about breakfast today! I’m sure I’ve logged everything and got all the weights and things right, but the numbers are adding up to ~1200cals. Maybe it was just one of those days.

Training session this morning on hazard awareness. Yippee. I could probably teach the class at this point, but it’s gotta be done.

Found out yesterday they’ve changed the format of the chartership report I need to write for the IMechE to prove to them I’ve achieved all I need to on chartership. It’s both easier and harder if that makes sense – less room for waffle but more focussed ‘bursts’ of info and a tighter frame of reference. I should have a first draft for next week for the boss either way.

So for today: post office at lunch time. After work, pack up books and clear off the rest of those shelves. Decide what to do with old open uni books. Cook dinner (gonna be beef stir fry with noodles tonight). Load Al’s car for him for the morning. (To take big boxes to the post office for me!)

Oh and finally managed to arrange with npower to have the gas/elec changed over to normal meters and not prepay meters!!!

Weirdly, despite the lack of sleep – life feels good right now.

Plus if I can get rid of that bookshelf, it’s one more area for clutter not to accumulate!! Maybe an ebay session this weekend?

Another moaning Monday

OK mixed feelings this morning.

On the one hand, I lost a pound. Well the scales said I lost a pound: since only records whole numbers, this could mean anything from I went from 19st 6.6 to 19st 6,4 to I went from 19st 7.4 to 19st 5.6. Either way, I am now recording 19.st 6lbs. I’m taking it at face value and saying I lost a pound and frankly, feeling quite happy about that.

On the other hand – I slept like a baby with colic last night. I think Al and I were feeding off each other: I’d wake up and then doze, then I’d feel him wake up and try and pretend to sleep, but he’d know I was pretending, so he’d pretend, then we’d both doze again for a bit, then it would all start again……..Needless to say, the brain isn’t working very well this morning.

Other good news: I’ve managed to change the in-laws visit to when it suits me :) Well to a weekend it suits me slightly more than the one they originally picked anyway. I’m still away on the Saturday, but it’s a shorter course and I should be back home by a reasonable hour that night.

Aside from that – I had my planned shopping trip on Sat into Cambridge. I bought a loaf of bread and some banana bread. I got in there and all the shops or clothes I wanted to try on were way too expensive and it was too hot really to bother, especially since I wanted winter clothes and it was something like 20C outside. So I passed on the clothes shopping. I even managed to get in and out of Waterstones without spending money!! Miracles, of miracles, if this keeps up I may not get charged for going over my overdraft limit this month!!

Al’s starting to look for permanent jobs today. He’s off to Tesco’s this morning cos they’re looking for shelfstackers – not a permanent thing, but a job and one that will get him out of the house on a regular basis. And he’s applied for a part time permanent post just the other side of Cambridge as well as an Art Teacher. If he got that we would be so comfortable it would be unreal!! :)

Other than that – the weekend was spent lying on a lounger in the garden, reading Mercedes Lackey books. I’m going through her Valdemar series right now and really enjoying the trip down memory lane.

I really enjoyed just lying there and not doing anything but I fear it will become a way of life if I let it go on. I need to be proactive on certain things. The house needs a good clean. Not only would it be good exercise, but it would make things easier for us as well. At the minute, the clutter is taking over again and we need a good clearout. I think I will check some of my old textbooks on amazon to see if any of them are work money – some of them I will never use again hopefully, so they’re just cluttering up the place.

I also need to assign a study space for myself. It doesn’t have to be large, just a place I can study undisturbed for the coming 12months. The books for my next course arrived on Friday and it’s reminded how much easier things are when I have a defined space for these things. I have an idea how I can do it but it may need to wait til after payday to sort it all out.

Tired baby

Today is a ‘tired’ day so my brain is going all over the place. All my own fault mind, nothing to do with anyone else.

I spent most of yesterday in bed. Pretty much zero activity all day. Same could be said for Saturday. The most energy I expended was walking up and down the stairs a few times. Add in to that two meals eaten out this weekend and two takeaways, along with a LOT of Toblerone and no exercise……well it’s no wonder I’m confused in myself this morning.

Positives this morning.

1)      I got up on time

2)      I had a shower last night before bed

3)      I am dressed properly for work

4)      I had a sensible breakfast (banana, yoghurt and honey), eaten at a table

5)      I listened to myself yesterday and allowed myself a cry and a bath

6)      I was on time for work.

7)      I’ve ‘done’ my hair.

8)      I changed the bed this morning.

9)      I’m wearing proper shoes to work, not flip-flops.

10)   I’m at my desk, sitting upright and semi functional.

It was after midnight last night when I eventually got to sleep. Not really surprising since I was in bed most of the day, but disconcerting and my body clock is a bit messed up today. Also, when I stepped on the scales, I had put the scale back to stones rather than kilos and that was a bit of a shock. 19st 7lbs. That’s a lot. Actually, that’s more than a lot. That’s massive really. It’s something needs to be done time.

But not this morning. I’ve made a start, had a breakfast and didn’t stop in tesco’s on the way into work. I’m going home for lunch and will see about pasta and a tomato based sauce. Al is going shopping today for the week so will have food for this evening.

Aim for today:

-         Drink  2 litres of water.

-         Eat three meals and stop.

-         Go for a walk after work.

That will be enough. No energy to think of anything more. Is LighterLife the way forward? By Christmas, I could be 15stone with them…….with WLR I could be 17stone. It’s still 2.5stone. But it’s not 4.5stone………

Slow and steady, that’s all I can do. I know that. Settle into a routine and keep putting one foot in front of the other………

Stop the rot

This week I’ve made a commitment to myself that everything I eat will go in my food diary. Including the kitkat I had for breakfast this morning. I’m overeating. Bigtime. I was 1400 cals over allowance yesterday – that’s 400 over maintenance. It’s not good. I feel lousy right now. From what I’ve eaten so far today (and bear in mind it’s only 09am here) I’ve got 93cals left to do me the rest of the day. That’s not good.

My stomach is swollen, my clothes are tight and scratchy, I’m not feeling well at all. It’s all my own fault I know that, but it’s hard getting back into any sort of good routine. It has to be done though. I need a routine again. Not something set in stone but a basic ‘Eat brekkie, eat lunch, eat dinner’ sort of thing.  And drinking water. Must drink water.

So.

Work from now til lunch time (which will be 1pm today). Go home at lunch and see Al. Come back for 2pm and home again at 4:30.

If Al hasn’t put away the dry clothes and hung out the wet ones, I’ll sort all that out. Empty the last of the suitcases. Put away the suitcases. Put away the wine bottles. Put away all the souvenirs and sort them out by person they’re going to.

The house was so tidy when we came in on Monday, it was lovely. A tidy house helps with maintaining a routine – I know this.

I also need to look at getting someone in to do a weekly tidy up or something as well. It would make life so much easier……..

Honeymoon update

yup that's right - I'm on honeymoon. Will do an update soon about the wedding but for now, enjoy the following!!

OK I’m on honeymoon, so this post is pieced together from emails sent home over the last week and a bit. We left Dublin at an unholy hour on Sat 11^th August, arriving in New Orleans round about 8:30pm their time. That was about 20hrs of travelling, just by the way…………

New Orleans was fantastic. We had a ball there. We have postcards but they've not been posted yet (this was the day after we left New Orleans and here we are 6days later and the postcards still aren’t posted!!), and I managed to snag the fridge magnet. People were so friendly down there. Everyone saying hello as you pass them on the street. A lot of the time we spent wandering around, just seeing where our feet would take us and we saw a few real gems.

In looking for Congo Square and Louis Armstrong Park (the park cos it has a lovely statue commemorating Louis Armstrong, the square cos it was where the slaves were allowed to hold what the white man apparently thought were Voodoo Religious Rituals and the blacks thought were parties) we came across a church dedicated to St Jude. Never saw a church dedicated to St Jude before. Then it turned out that it used to be a major Voodoo-related church dedicated to Our Lady of Guadeluape. Made it even more interesting, but the art work inside was fabulous - it looked like the South American churches do on the telly. And I got Al in there easily enough cos all the churches in New Orleans are air-conditioned!

We also passed some of the ruins that are still left over from Katerina. That's sad - there're still strips of wallpaper hanging off the insides of what used to be people's homes. The French Quarter wasn't effected - it's the highest ground in the whole area at 10 full feet above sea level! The ghost tour was very interesting. More of a good historical tour with ghost stories mixed in. I've brought home details of the company cos when ye go to New Orleans ye'll want to go on this one. It's on at 8pm so you're out of the sun and speaking to the hotel staff afterwards, it's the tour they get the most positive feedback from.

The music in new Orleans is amazing. the best jazz we heard was an old man on the street with a saxophone. Wasn't busking or anything, just sitting there in the evening, with his pint beside him, playing away to his heart's content. In New Orleans you're allowed to drink on the street so a lot of people congregate in what's called Jackson Square in front of the cathedral.  A lot of the fortune tellers and tarot card readers and things are there as well. We met a lovely lady called Sky who did my tarot cards - only a bit of fun, but for the entertainment factor alone it was worth $20!

One place to avoid in the French Quarter is Bourbon Street. it's like the worst elements of Temple Bar made worse still! We were there on a 'quiet time' and I still wouldn't go into a lot of those places. But away from there, there are a lot of 'local' bars where people are happy to sit and talk and share stories, correct the tour guides, give advice on where to go - it was great. We were saying as we left that we could easily have spent the two full weeks there! We didn't even go on a proper graveyard tour or a plantation tour or anything cos we ran out of time. It's was a great start to the holidays.

Well we rocked into Vegas last night (now about 4days ago…..) at a bout 6:30pm their time. To me it felt like half 8 but never mind. We had a quick nap and then went downstairs to the casino.

First off this room is amazing!!! Apparently it's their 'standard' room but it is massive. I fell in love with the bathroom alone! (Separate shower which I've never had in a hotel before) a bath so deep I could swim in it if I were shorter, acres of space in there. And the bed is the height of my hip and about as wide as two doubles........

The casino bit is plain scary at first - it's just so bewildering. We had a good walk around last night for a few hours and I got a massive margarita (it took me 3 of Al's beers to drink it all). You have everyone from tourists in shorts and T-shirts, women who we strongly suspected were prostitutes dressed in..... well I always thought Pretty Woman got it wrong, but apparently not......to people in full evening dress, tuxes, evening dresses, the lot!!

Anyway, I came to bed about midnight but Al was out for another 3 hours after that. Woke me up coming in saying he was sorry. Got me in a right panic, he looked really ashamed - I thought he caught the gambling bug or something. Turned out he was sorry he'd gotten sucked into the casino for so long. No gambling, but he did get propositioned by what he said was a prostitute that looked like she could've been one of his students. Once he had spent 5mins or so going on about the guitar he had seen in the window she wandered off to look for easier prey. I had to laugh. Only Al would be approached like that and try to give the girl a lesson on the history of famous guitars...............


Vegas is living up to its reputation though. I'm off to the spa in a few minutes to sign up for a manicure and pedicure while Al is still asleep. I just watched the sun come up over the desert from the hotel - it's on the edge of town and the views were gorgeous, but sunrise is so quick. No more that 5mins between full dark and daylight! (well full dark by Vegas standards......lot of bright light around here)


(new email now!!)

Well to finish off what I was telling Mam about Vegas - we went to see a show called Peepshow. It was a dance based on nursery rhymes. Sounded good and since it was Vegas we weren't really expecting something you could bring a priest to, but this was way beyond what we were expecting! The woman-in-charge was very funny and they really were athletic dancers - some of the stunts they pulled were amazing - trapeze artists, gymnasts, all sorts, really amazing and they made the audience laugh a lot. very enjoyable once one learned to practice selective seeing........

Plus the hotel allowed us to keep the keycards as a souvenir!

Al managed to avoid getting propositioned again which was probably just as well. He was in enough shock after the first time! We were getting really annoyed with people in the check out queue - they seemed to be arguing every item on their bill. We on the other hand, once we managed to get to the desk, were done in about 3 seconds, seeing as how we hadn't put anything on the bill. Makes life so much easier!

The journey to San Fran was probably the least strenuous yet. United Airlines don't charge for putting bags in the hold and we managed to get an exit row seat which was lovely. Only an hour and 20min flight though, so hardly enough time to get comfortable!!

The hotel in San Fran is lovely. They upgraded our room, gave us a free bottle of wine and signed us up for their rewards program cos we are on honeymoon. The room isn't as spectacular as Vegas, but then, what is? It's a lovely room, although they appear to think that double beds need to be the width of the Shannon over here. It's a good job it's summer and we're not depending on body heat!

We went to Alcatraz yesterday and I got badly burnt. Since I was wearing factor 90 sunscream, I think it was wind burn, but either way, I have one hell of a farmer's tan going on now. Alcatraz was brilliant. We spent ~ 2 hrs there which was just enough to get around comfortably. There's a 45mins guided cell block audio tour - they give you head phones and you can stop and go as you please -which was really well done. We got a lot of pictures there. It's a beautiful island - apparently the guards and the officers (and their families) brought over soil to plant flowers and trees to brighten the place up - imagine being assigned somewhere where you have to bring your own soil??? They did an amazing job though. The little pathside gardens are gorgeous.

The cells were scary. the normal cells were 6' x 9' and the isolation cells something like 6' x6'. Isolation could mean you were in complete darkness for most of the day. Tough regime - even being allowed out of your cell was a privilege to be earned! I've got some fridge magnets for ye from there.

It's a real shame they haven't taken proper care of the buildings, there're some really fine example of architecture there and you can see how glorious they must have been in their heyday, but now they're crumbling to ruins. Some small steps are being taken - a lot of work being done on the water tower and the cell blocks are being maintained to some degree.

Today we're planning on bus tours all day. well, that's the plan once I get Al out of bed anyway. That bed is far too comfy for him!!

Have managed to find a few churches around here as well - the closest one has mass at 1pm and 5pm. Unless I get Al up soon, it will be the 5pm one I go to. I just hope it's a little more reasonable that the New Orleans one!

Anyway, tomorrow we pick up the car and head to Napa Valley for the wine tours, then on to Yosemite Park for two days. Since Al doesn't have his driving licence with him - he needed to send it to one of the agencies before the wedding and they didn't get it back to him on time - yours truly will be driving. Hoping to be able to sneak out of the city in a quiet time cos once we leave the city, it's mostly country roads we're on........

(and this is the email that hasn’t been sent yet!!)

So we had a nice relaxing day today. Went on two bus tours – one for the downtown area and the other for a night time tour that takes in some of the areas the other tours missed. A lot of sightseeing but nowhere near as many photos as there were in Alcatraz.

San Fransisco is a strange enough city. Everything seems  really close, but is miles away from each other! I went for a wander down Taylor Street today looking for the theatre that was playing Les Miserables. I found it alright, but it wasn’t showing tonight :( On the other hand I had a ride on the BART which was fun. The bottom end of Taylor Street felt really dodgy though. Gangs on street corners smoking something that definitely wasn’t tobacco, people wandering around looking dazed and confused and a LOT of street people. San Fran is the only place yet we’ve been this trip that there have been a significant number of noticeable street people. They’re everywhere. I suppose in Vegas they’re moved on pretty quickly and I can’t imagine why anyone would move to the wet blanket that is New Orleans, but San Fran is a more moderate climate and the city is large enough to lose oneself in.

I went trying to find a bookshop today around Union Square and was shocked I couldn’t do it. I normally have a sixth sense for these things. Never mind, have just checked on the net and there are actually some bookshops in the city, although the number is diminishing from what I can tell from discussions on the net. It’s sad, that. Never good to see a bookshop closing.

Anyway, tomorrow we’re off to Napa Valley. Rumour has it there are one or two vineyards round there. Should be nice and relaxing anyway. I’m finding myself exhausted by 9pm local time, so maybe the last few weeks are finally catching up with me. So, I’m going to drag my darling new husband to bed now and see what we can find to do to warm us both up……cold spell just came in and even two Bailey’s Hot Chocolates aren’t working……

Last week and the effects of stress

I feel down today. I feel weepy, miserable, tired, out-of-sorts, and generally on the ‘not’ side of the good mood vs. not good mood spectrum. Why? Well numerous reasons I suppose.

Last week was tough. I never do well on time away from home anyway for business. I can cope with the odd bit here or there, but find dealing with strangers every day for a week very tiring and stressful. Especially when said strangers are meant to be equal colleagues but don’t treat you as such. And I had to pay for the hotel etc from my own funds cos there was something wrong with the card that had been used to book it all. Then the travelling was tiring and stressful, particularly when the Eurostar was running late and I had to sprint for the train and then a woman I know only marginally was picking me up from the station cos my fiancé had messed up the dates and arranged his stag weekend for last weekend. So by the time I got home at half ten on Friday night I was exhausted and ready to collapse.

Then I woke at 7am on Sat and dozed until 9:45, then realised I was meant to be in the beauticians for 10, so sprinted off to that, then came home and went to bed for an hour, then frantically running around packing a bag for Sat night, headed off to Sudbury for the final dress fitting/paying for it etc. More money gone from the account.

Sat night was pretty relaxing in the spa with a good friend – we hit the spa for a few hours, ordered room service and watched a film, then hit the spa again the following morning. It was lovely and relaxing. Really great.

Then got home and went back into bed. I’m still tired. I think it’s partly less-than-wise food choices and the stress from last week, plus all the stress from this week to sort out wedding things etc. There’s not much left to be done, but the things that are left are mostly Al’s arena and it hasn’t been happening. So I’m reminding him of a load of things, then feeling back for reminding him, then feeling twice as bad reminding him again when they’ve not been done………

I think I’ll head home from work early today. I was in early, so it won’t be the end of the world, but the extra sleep could do me the world of good. In fact, I think that’s decision made. I’ll be home by about 4pm and in bed by 5 past…….

Sleep

I’m tired this morning. More than that, I’m exhausted this morning. I don’t think I’ll be going to Rosemary Conley tonight. I just want to go home and sleep. Sleep the sleep of the sleeping. Al and I need to develop an effective bedtime routine for both of us. At the minute, we’re not getting that right.

I’ve got meetings for most of this afternoon, so I can’t even duck out of them. I think an early lunch (read: pop home for an hour to grab some kip!) might see me through, but I’m unsure. Too many meetings all at once……..It’s wrong.

OK plan for today. Big plans. Get through the day. Get home. Get some sleep.

Another weekend, another hiccup

Weelends are my downfall. I feel like they’re an excuse to not care in general. So I don’t care about washing, about taking my meds, about eating properly, about anything. It leads to problems when it comes to health and diet and exercise. Well read on to find out about the weekend.

I went out with the boss on Friday afternoon to allow him to buy us a pint after a successful shutdown. I got in the mood for drinking then, so Al and I ended up coming home, got showered and headed out again. We wet into a pub in town that had live music playing, met up with some lads from work, had a great night. It was 2am before we got home!! I fell in mud on the way home – I think I would’ve done that regardless of the drink in my cos the place was a quagmire after the showers all day, but regardless, the downstairs bathroom needs to be de-mudded now!

Of course since I had to be and out of the house by 9 on Sat morning this led to sleep deprivation as well as severe dehydration, which in turn led to a fairly major pig out at McDonalds before my dress fitting. That was followed by gorgeous roast chicken dinner at Al’s friends on Sat night – 1am getting to bed. Yesterday I felt awful. So we ended up doing pretty much nothing all day. I slept for most of it to be honest. We did manage to get the clean laundry put away and the bedroom tidied up though. And the bed changed – fresh sheets last night!!!

On the plus side, the dress fits and actually needs taking in around the bust. Plus I ordered a veil and tiara on Sat as well, so that should all be ready to pick up next Saturday. Getting very excited about the wedding thing now.

Still, today is a new day. I went to see a LighterLife counsellor on Sat as well. I’m thinking of doing that for a few months to see how I get on. It will work out at between £250 and £300 a month, so it will be dependent on Al getting work, but it’s something I’m seriously thinking of now. I won’t start until after the honeymoon of course, but it might help more than some of the other things. They actually have meals and stuff now on LighterLife – not just shakes………It would mean hitting a BMI of 30 in 22 weeks. Starting in September. I could be 81kg by February 2013.

I know, another new idea and it’s unlikely training for the marathon can really start until after I start eating enough again, but the counsellor said my usual exercise – aerobics, C25k etc would be ok.

I just want to have a magic wand and make all the weight go away……….

Another new week today and this week the aim is to come in under calories for the week. I was 1686cals over last week (well 1686 over for 1kg weight loss, so still on for 0.75kg loss, but it really doesn’t feel like it today!) This week – keeping to cals. I can and will do this.

I can, I will, I am able.

End of week update

Today is Friday. Well duh, you know that already, but it’s a good thing to highlight. It’s also Friday 13^th, which if you’re a Templar Knight is bad news, but I think the rest of us are ok.

It’s been a good week. I’ve enjoyed myself. Work has been flowing and I’m getting through things and things are moving along nicely in many areas. I’m developing relationships, managing my workload and getting through and ticking things off my workload as I go along. It feel good.

It also feels good that my body moved this week. I enjoyed the exercise on Wednesday night and my body still has those slight ‘pulls’ to remind me I worked hard. It makes me want to do more of that. I’m going to look for another aerobics class I can do in the gym or something. Something that will get me moving again and stretch me a bit. Plus if I do the lunchtime classes, it will both give me a good break from work and not eat up the evening time.

I’ve been reading this: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nonrunners-Marathon-Guide-Women-Training/dp/1580052053 It’s excellent. It really is a nice account of what to expect and strategies that may or may not help. The main thing is? To start. Apparently once you start, it gets easier to keep going – mentally anyway. Physically, I’ve got 4 months of pain to look forward to. And I won’t lose any weight. Apparently. I think if I eat properly, I might lose a bit, but we’ll see. It’s not the main aim of this marathon gig anyway. The walking for an hour in preparation hasn’t happened, hence the mention of gym classes in the paragraph above. I reckon 3 classes a week would make a big impact.

There’s also another book on my reading list that I’m planning  on getting through this weekend and then tackling the weeks one at a time after the honeymoon. So, for two months it will be C25k program, the two months after that the C210k program, then the four months to a half marathon, then finally, the marathon. So by next summer I should be ready to tackle one. The notions of ‘long runs’ of up to 20miles are a bit worrying, but I want to do this. I can, I will, I am able. I may print that out and hang it on the wall.

So, it’s been a good week. Next week is going to be better. I’m determined to stick to my eating plan from now until Wednesday, to get some exercise over the weekend and to attend 3 classes next week (Rosemary Conley and two others). I’ll book onto them today to make sure I do it.