Gyms, money, and life

I don’t know what to write. The weekend was so up and down it was unbelievable. It started off well. I went to bed at 4pm on Friday, slept til eight, got up, ate too many nachos, went back to bed and slept til 7am Saturday. I pottered about, then rearranged the bedroom. It’s now tidy and much better arranged. I managed to make an attempt at cleaning up the kitchen and downstairs was tidy enough for out visitors. We had a great evening with the visitors, probably drank a bit too much, but nothing to really worry about.

Just before we went to bed, Al told me he’d borrowed more money from his parents. He hadn’t told me because he was ashamed of not having money. Apparently they’ve been drip feeding him poison over the last few weeks, saying how his value as a man and a husband is nothing since he isn’t brining in any money. Well ok, he’s not and it annoyed me too, but he was doing his best. He’s signed up with so many agencies and now he’s signed up with one in particular, he hasn’t had a day off! OK so his first paycheck won’t be til November but that’s ok. We’ve made deals with the people we need to deal with to make sure we don’t lose anything. We covered all the bills eventually. We’re ok.

My husband was embarrassed to talk to me about this cos he was afraid of upsetting me. Well that balloon burst on Sat night. I was upset. I was more upset at the fact that his parents are being such bastards to him. He’s not a man, he’s nothing without a job, all his worth is in his job. I rang Mam at 1am Sunday to talk about it and she & Dad’re helping us out but I’m so angry and upset about the whole thing.

Then to add insult to injury, I stepped on the scales yesterday to see 19st 13lbs. This morning it’s dropped 4lbs thank God, but it’s still an upsetting number. This morning I am 19st 9lbs. 275lbs. According to the BMI scales I should be ~150lbs at the heaviest. Ideally, I can see myself aiming for a BMI of 30, which means losing 95lbs. Still a long way to go. See I know I eat better when I’m not focussing on weight loss but the initial weight gain is enough to make me cry. Added into the money woes and I’m a mess.

I have started reading the marathon training book. I need to work up to running/walking 3miles easily. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. I do know I want to start swimming again, which means changing gyms. OK it will cost me more per month to go to a gym with a pool, plus the £150 to get out of my contract with my current gym, but sometimes mistakes cost money. That’s life. And if the new gym works, then it’s worth it. Plus I just rang my current gym and it’s all ok, I just need to wait til I get paid and it’s all sorted.

3miles is a lot to me right now. It usen’t to be and it won’t be again, but right now it is. It’s up to me to change that. Walking isn’t difficult for me, but at this weight, it is hard on the joints. It’s time to find something to help me lose weight, to help me feel better in myself, to feel better in my head.

I’ve had a lot of little upsets in the last few months. Chest infections, tummy bugs, headaches, migraines, lethargy…….you name it, I’ve had it. So, time for a change. Time for me to take responsibility for my health and move on. I can still do Beyond Chocolate because part of that is making choices. I know the foods that don’t make me feel well. I need to start experimenting now with foods that do make me feel well. I haven’t eaten breakfast for weeks cos I’m not feeling hungry. Well maybe I need to let myself get hungry then. Maybe I can dig out my old microwave porridge habit and set that going – it was a great way to start the day. OK expensive to get the pre-packaged stuff, but it tasted better and required less energy.

All these things I know work – well it’s time to get back to them. I can’t keep going the way I am and I can’t keep feeling like this. It’s time to change. Now.

Walk at lunchtime. I don’t have lunch with me so I can walk into town and get something from Greggs or Boots or something. Easy. 11mins walk according to the Fount of all Knowledge (or Bing Maps if you prefer!)

That’s lunch settled then. The rest of my life? Less so.