More positivity

1. I started work on my essay last night

2. I got a good two paragraphs written (will need six overall)

3. I did some of the exercises recommended to help with the essay.

4. I didn't spend all night in front of the telly.

5. I worked a full day in work and kept on top of things.

6. I remembered to take my meds and the anitbiotics.

7. I've logged all my food for today already.

8. I made myself proper coffee this morning.

9. I woke before the alarm this morning.

10. I've got a plan, now all I have to do is stick to it!

Yesterday was a better day all round really. I went wildly over cals yesterday, but over a week, it's just not that much to worry about. My tummy also settled down and things appear to be returning to normal for me.

My infected toe seems to be clearing up as well - Lord bless anitbtiotics! So, I'm off to type up the paragraph of the essay due in tomorrow and then onto work......where I will probably put more effort into the essay if I'm honest!

So, let's attack the day with vigour!!!

Day 2

OK so today's list will hopefully be a bit easier.

 

1) I kept calm and focussed during my conversation with my mother last night.

2) I did some work on my essay for Friday.

3) I went to bed and read for a while on time.

4) I woke before my alarm this morning.

5) I finally set up my new phone last night.

6) I did the washing up this morning.

7) I put all the rubbish in the bin this morning.

8) I'm wearing a pink top today.

9) I remember to take both sets of pills this morning.

10) I hung out the clothes that were washed yesterday.

 

I know this probably seems childish and pathetic to some people, but it really helps me when I get depressed to look at all the positive things I've done in a day. It's one of the things that pulled me out the last time. I can't surround myself with negativity at the best of times cos it drags me down, so when I'm already down, I'm looking to surround myself with positivity to help rather than hinder.

 

Depression isn't a sexy disease. There will probably never be a huge research drive for it, and there's rarely a major public figure who will admit to suffering from it. It's very difficult to understand if you don't suffer from it, even if there is someone close to you, a member of your family who suffers. My own mother still believes that there must be something to push you into depression, a major drama or hassle. There doesn't. Sometimes the chemicals in your brain tip and dip and there's very little you can do about it. It's incredibly frustrating for the person suffering to have to try and explain all this to someone who frankly, doesn't get it and probably never will.

 

I may have to turn around to my mother in a few days and tell her to back off cos the constant questioning and needling doesn't help. A constant reappraisal of my condition doesn't help. Just because I'm on medication doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human, a human with a disease that needs treating. That's life. If it were malaria or something like that, I wouldn't even be having these discussions because that's something physical, something obvious. 'Feeling a bit down' is not depression and never will be. I feel angry at my mother for constantly questioning me – why can't she accept that I have an illness and I need to treat it. It's not because I drink too much – I rarely drink anymore. It's not because I live alone, or because I don't see friends every day, or any of that. It's a disease. It needs to be treated and cared for, not brushed under the carpet.

 

But it still makes me angry my mother won't just accept that. It's like I'm not worthy to be her daughter if there's something wrong with me.

Positivity

Up until a few months ago, I posted every day (on a weight loss site no less!! http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/) ten reasons to be positive on that day. The rules were the reasons had to be something I had done and was responsible for. The first few were full of things like 'I brushed my teeth today' or 'I brushed my hair' but eventually I began to find other things to be positive about. I think it's time to resurrect the practice but not on that site so why not here. Here's the first volume.

1) I got up before the alarm today

2) I woke up smiling

3) I stood my ground with Ma last night

4) I made a second appointment with the doctors even though I didn't want to

5) I started taking the antibiotics

6) I communicated with people

7) I put a load of washing on this morning

8) I finished my music mag and it's given me some ideas

9) My bedroom is still tidy and it's been *weeks* since the major clean up

10) I made it to 10!!! I really struggled today, but I hope this will get easier over time.

My docs visit yesterday was only partically successful, since he really wasn't interested but as I said above, I got the antibiotics for my toe infection and  I made the appointment for today to talk to someone about the depression. I may have made a complete show of myself in the docs surgery, but I did it and I stood my ground.

Let's hope today is better than yesterday!!!

Ok today will be a good day

Yesterday I spent on the couch, frozen peas in situ, freezing my toes off!!!

Today will be different. Today I am going to a friends house to help her dump a load of stuff and give the place the beginnings of a clear out. We may even have to face more spiders in the end, but we will be brave. We are. after all, modern strong confident women who have lives and careers - what have we to be scared of when 8-legged creepy-crawlies come tearing out of some hidden, dark corner...........

OK so the last time, there were about a million of them (possibly more like 8) hidden under one of the chest of drawers we moved and there was screaming and panicking and running around with sticks.

But I am being brave and facing this. I've also had a good 3pints of water this morning which is helping my headache - lack of water causing some serious problems. I've bound up my infected toe with Savlon and cushioned plasters and tape. I've strapped up my ankle for support today. I've got a load of laundry on, bagged up the rubbish to dump before I go and all I have to do is to wait for the machine to finish and then hang it out, swing by the dump, then on to the jewellers so they can size my finger for my engagement ring, then on to my friends house.

I'm looking forward to it really. I could do with a day of backbreaking labour and a nice meal at the end of it!!! Meeting people, fresh air, exercise - it all helps with depression. Also helping other people - always gets the happy hormones going :)

I'm off work

Legitimately as it happens. My ankle is swollen up like a balloon. I went over on it yesterday while stumbling around the site with another person. I didn't think much of it, but today, my ankle is swollen up like a balloon and I can't put any weight on it. It's possibly sprained on top of everything else - it certainly feels like it - but I can't walk and I certianly can't drive, so at least a day on the couch with a pack of frozen peas is me today.

It gives me a chance to take that step back I wanted to take yesterday, but couldn't. as in I couldn't, cos I felt too guilty. I mean depression isn't really illness is it? It's just feeling a bit down. Everyone feels like it sometimes. What's the point in making a fuss?

These are the things that come through my brain. Who am I to think I am any better or worse than anyone else? I'm not. I'm just like everyone else - but I'm unique in my own way. So maybe this ankle is God's way of tell me I need this day off and I need to make the most of it. There may be more posts during the day while I try and work things out, but it's me that has to work them out. I am allowed to say I'm sick when I'm depressed though, cos it is a sickness. It's an illnes. And sometimes you can throw things like drugs at it, something you can manage it on your own, but sometimes, just sometimes, you need to take a day to figure out what's going on and work out what it is you actually need..........so that's me today. Me and my ankle and my bag of frozen peas.

I don't even eat frozen peas, but somehow there's still some in the freezer.

Imagine the scene

Well several scenes.

First:

I sit at my computer, back turned to the office, empty mostly, except for people passing through. Even so, I try to dab my eyes and nose rather than make a fuss. I try to let the tears out quietly. I'm shaking, I feel so miserable, but no one notices.

Second:

I sit on the toilet, letting the tears fall freely, trying to breath as quietly and normally as possible, letting it all fall out. They last for a long time - to the point where the cleaner asks if I'm ok - I managed to answer in a normal enough voice, indicating bowel troubles rather than tears. By letting the tears fall without rubbing, I manage to avoid the puffy red-eye symptoms.

These aren't scenes I made up -both happened today. I think any doubts I had about the depression coming back are gone after today. I feel awful. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to interact with anyone. I want to stay in bed and hibernate. A lot.

My feet hurt. An awful lot. Walking is extremely painful and even if I hadn't been crying from depression, then I would've been crying from pain.

Overall, things are not good. I'm planning on not going into work tomorrow - that's how bad things are.

So what next? well a good hot bath tonight, followed by an early night. maybe that will help. Otherwise, tomorrow will be a jammies/couch day.

Monday, bloody Monday

I could write two lists today: one no how to cope with depression and another on how not to. Both would be relvant to my weekend.

I actually had a good weekend up until about half 9 last night. I spent time with my old boss, I had a lovely meal out with Al, we spent Sunday morning curled up on the couch watching telly, I helped a friend move some furniture on the way back.....and then I got home.  And things got bad.

 

Al and I ended up having a screaming match over the phone last night. God that sounds awful doesn't it? Well mostly it was me screaming and him talking in his Hannibal Lector voice. That voice scares the hell out of me – hence the screaming. He'd been out and he'd been drinking and he'd gotten really down and wasn't listening to anything I was saying to try and cheer him up. It got to the point where I was sobbing so hard my chest hurt and I was getting really panicky. That's when he started to realise what he was doing and stopped and got all apologetic.

 

It really scared me though – he hasn't been like that in at least 2yrs – and it's all that bloody school. The sooner he can get out of there the better. He's getting antsy cos he's not in work and he thinks cos he's a mental (his words) no employer will ever want him. I couldn't persuade him that there are employers out there that have a good ethical code and that do look after employees with disability, regardless of the disability, but he just wouldn't listen. He was talking about how every artist needs his dark side and how he needs to explore that dark side and then couldn't understand why I was starting to panic at that point and went on to say that if he hadn't killed himself by 42, he wasn't going to do it so there was no need for me to worry and I should stop being so silly. And it was all in this really horrible creepy Hannibal Lector voice. So that's when I really screamed at him – the phone at this point was on the floor beside me and I was just screaming into it for him to shut up.

 

I think it was then he realised what he was doing properly and he at least stopped talking like that and started talking like Al again. But I was so scared and panicked. What can I do when he gets like this and I'm 150miles away? I can't do a damn thing! But he won't leave the school cos that would be admitting defeat.

 

This morning I feel a bit better – I think I just turned my brain off last night at some point, but it was awful, really horrible. And after we'd had such a good weekend as well. I'm thinking I need to start focussing my search in Northamptonshire area so I can at least be close enough to him to be able to see him during the week.

 

But this morning I can also feel this black cloud hanging over me. I can feel the walls closing in. I can feel the windows close up and the air stop moving. I can feel my world shrinking til all there is feels like one tiny black point of pain and despair. I started really well this morning. I had my porridge for breakfast. I made lunch to bring into work. I remembered to bring a snack. And then I was starving this morning and my snack didn't touch it. So I got a bar of chocolate and a sausage roll. And now I feel sick. And all this is leading to the thoughts in my head going round and round and round, spiralling out of control. Typing this out was meant to help but it's not.

 

I need to take a step back and do something productive. Unfortunately I'm in work, so productive is limited. What I want to do is to find out all those things I need to know – all the things that will help me and him and get us to where I need to be. I need to talk this out with someone who knows me. Someone who isn't related to me but knows me. I think I may need another session with Sharon. I think I will email her this morning.

 

I want to be at home, curled up in bed, crying my eyes out. I want to be at home, warm and snug, hidden from the world. I don't want to be in work, I don't want to be with people, I want to be away, away, away. But I'm being sensible. Hiding in bed achieves nothing. I need to take proactive steps to get better. Eat properly and sensibly. Get some exercise.  Partake in a social life. Get myself in order. All needs to be done.

 

So why is the thought of telling my boss I'm ill and staying in bed all day so appealing?

It's been a week and a half

I'm struggling - with everything. Eating/cooking is, to my brain, so much hassle as to be without reason. Tidying is not happening, although the bedroom is staying tidy. Money is causing me huge problems - well thinking about money is stressing me out and really upsetting me.

I'm applying for jobs left, right and centre. I'm trying to figure out ways of not spending money. I'm trying to figure out ways I can make more money. I'm trying to get things in my head right.

I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to eat properly. I'm trying to keep myself interested in food enough so I don't go into diet/binge mode again.

I'm fairly certain my depression is kicking off big time again - I can't sleep and I'm constantly trying not to cry. I'm looking at jobs I shouldn't touch cos I know what it will end up like, but I'm so stressed about the ring and paying off debts and getting Al back in work and realistically the only way as a couple we will end up with more money is if we a) manage to live together and b) I get a better paid job.

So I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and generally moping. I don't feel any better for it - in fact I feel like I was on a drinking binge last night - but it's done now. And that's one more night that's gone. On the plus side, it's a night I spent nothing. And I applied for several (read: approx 12) jobs.

Am I putting myself under too much pressure? Am I forcing myself down a road that I don't want to go down? I can see the potholes. I can see the problems coming up. The question is - can I deal with them? Will I get support or will I be alone in a marriage?

What do I do?

Despression

Depression. It's an ugly word isn't it? It leads people to think of those who claim depression for the least hint of sadness to those who think that any and all mental illness can be labelled 'depression'. I'm a sufferer and this weekend I think I may have had a mild bout. I got home late on Friday night (after 11pm) and woke up in tears on Sat morning. No reason for the tears, I was just crying. This would be clue one.

 

I then spent the majority of the day (all of the day in fact apart from two hours I spent getting into town to lodge a check and get some dinner) asleep or doing either in bed or on the couch. I repeated this routine on Sun, but made it out of bed for slightly longer. This would be clue two.

 

I only ate once on Saturday and then on Sunday grazed all day – despite being hungry to the point of illness at one point. Once I felt sick, I then ate right the way through the hunger scale til I was again feeling sick, this time from over-eating. This would be clue three.

 

I did the bare minimum of personal grooming over the weekend, staying in my jammies for most of it, taking no time for hair or make-up, basically allowing myself and the house to look abysmal all weekend. This would be clue four.

 

I wanted no contact with anyone over the weekend. Emailing or ringing friends was too much hassle and anyway, I didn't have the energy to do it. Speaking to my family was a task of gargantuan proportions. Even speaking to Al took more energy than it normally would take. This would be clue five.

 

Of course these are all great clues and if I could pick up on them at the time, it would be great. Unfortunately however, these things only become obvious after the fact. At the time, I was wrapped up in my head and unable to snap out of it. The crux came this morning. I had the choice of getting up and going to work or staying in bed. I hit snooze so many times, the neighbours must think I like my alarm music! Eventually I got myself out of bed with the bribe of a McDonald's breakfast. Not the best cure ever for depression, but it got me showered, dressed and out of the house. Once I was dressed and out of the house, I had no excuse to not go into work. So here I am.

 

It was a good move – I have to interact with people in here and that will help me snap out of the gloom, but at some point I need to go home again as well. So, I have four evenings this week at home. The aim is to tackle one room per evening. I want to start with my bedroom since that is the biggest task – any clothes I can make £5 or more on will be going on ebay, everything else will be bagged for the charity shop. The underbed will be clear and all the various bags and boxes emptied so I know that everything I have in the house is worth keeping. Even two hours at this with some energetic music on will help a lot and make my room a peaceful and relaxing room to be in. That's important to me.

 

The ebay stuff will go on ebay straight away and the other stuff will go in the car boot tonight so it won't be clogging up the house. I can make that room a lot nicer than it is right now, so that's what I'll do.

 

As for the rest – well the living room isn't actually that bad – once I sort out the ebay stuff that is it sorted really. A quick hoover and all will be well. Bathroom is only a quick clean as well, and the kitchen  isn't in too bad a state – I just need to get the washing up sorted and dump the empty boxes and bottles. So the big hurdle is the bedroom so that gets tackled first.

 

As to how this is related to the depression? It's a lot easier to manage depression when I'm in pleasant and neat surroundings. A carpet of clothes is not conducive to a restive mind. And I have too many clothes – most of which I don't wear. I want to get back to the days of a wardrobe and a chest of drawers to hold everything and leave the rest.

 

As for today – I'm trying to get on with things. But again, I want to be at home while I feel rearing to go like this rather than stuck in work. I may get a pass out for a docs appointment later. I feel bad about that, but chances are the boss won't mind.

 

So there we go. Another day in the life of a bored, depressed engineer.

Money, money, money

Money is the root of all evil. I forget who first said that, but it has some bearing in truth I think. Money is certainly causing me problems at the minute. Well that's not true – my past spending habits are causing me problems. The ghosts of spending past are coming to haunt me now.

 

It's my own fault of course and it's something I'm aware of and happy to accept responsibility for. So right now, I'm making out what www.moneysavingexpert.com calls my Statement of Affairs.

 

	Debits	Credits
Incomings
Pay		£2,407.00
Outgoings
Rent	£625.00
Council tax	£89.00
Gas	£16.00
Electricity	£12.00
Gym	£28.95
Water	£25.00
Mobile	£25.00
Landline	£25.00
Virgin	£33.00
Contents Insurance	£8.65
Car Insurance	£30.65
Union	£10.96
WLR	£7.33
TV Licence	£12.29
Lotto	£9.00
Magazine	£2.00
Food	£200.00
Petrol	£100.00
Loan	£610.00
BOI min	£76.50
Tesco min	£45.00
BC min	£178.00
	£2,169.33
Left:		£237.67

 

Currently, that £237 is going on physio and counselling – both of which are instrumental in getting me back on track life-wise, so I am comfortable with the need for them. However, if I were to put that money towards the debt, it would come out like this:

Debts		Paid by: (current)	Paid by: (extra £200/month)	Paid by: (new job)
Loan	£6,100.00	Jul-12	Jul-12	Jul-12
BC	£7,902.00	Apr-13	Dec-12	Aug-12
Tesco	£2,000.00	Aug-13	Feb-13	Sep-12
BOI	£3,060.00	Jul-13	Apr-13	Aug-12

 

 

So, paying off that extra £200 a month would reduce the life of my debt by four months. If I get my new job and stick to this payment schedule, it would knock an entire year off my repayment time. All of this is very exciting, but either way, I will be debt-free in August 2013 – the first anniversary of my wedding :) I can't wait – for both occasions!

 

As for the wedding? That's being paid for out of revenue – that is the money I currently spend on shopping, food, petrol etc, as well as any money I make off ebay or my writing. Those amounts are not being considered in the calculations for debt repayment because a) they're in no way consistent and b) I can't guarantee they will be a continuing source of income.

 

All very sensible, isn't it? Of course if Al and I finally manage to move in with each other that will free up another £500 a month as things currently stand. But that isn't likely in the near future so I must wait and see how that goes. I am determined to enter my marriage with less than £10 k of debt. That is entirely achievable. There is nothing about this that I can't do. So – I'm going to do it. This weekend is full on 'ebaying and emptying the house' weekend. I'm aiming to get 100 items listed on ebay. Even if I made £1 profit on each, that would be another £100 to put towards the debt.

 

I'm also thinking that a good clear out will let me assess a few things for myself as well. A food inventory will need to happen this weekend since I'm sure there's loads of food in my kitchen that is perfectly edible, I've just forgotten about it. I am determined to get through the next two weeks spending less than £10 per week on food. (And that will be mainly on bread and milk). If food is about to go off, I need to cook it and freeze it. I can do batches of things and freeze the left-overs for another night. I that is my aim and I plan to stick to it!

 

So there we go – it's all out there in black and white now. It's not the end of the world and I can stop things getting out of control again, I know I can. Besides, these thrifty habits will stand me in good stead in years to come. I enjoy things like baking and cooking. I enjoy making things. I enjoy spending time over things for other people. That means that all my 'things' that I've collected over the years can be made into other 'things' or remade to suit other people or whatever for presents that are coming up.

 

My daily spending notebook will be making an appearance again and I will be faithfully recording every penny I spend and where – including credit card and cash spend. I will no longer be recording cash when I take it out of the bank but when I actually spend it. That seemed to make a huge difference last time and I think it will again.

 

So no major political debates or whatever else today, I'm just planning my future. Fun, isn't it?