Pain

Bad back. Bad feet. Sore back. Sore feet. Pain, cramps, agony. That's my life today. My feet are so bad I've had to cancel my PT session tomorrow night and my back is playing up, possibly as a side effect of walking funny........Either way, I'm mainlining nurofen and praying. Not much else to do in these situations. On the plus side, it has forced me to finally book an appointment with a physiotherapist for Friday. £50, but if it helps it will be money well spent. On the other hand, the pain is playing havoc with my ability to concentrate, so work is definitely suffering.

 

I never understand how people put up with pain like this long term. To me, even a day or two is horrible and I'll do nearly anything to not allow myself physical pain (emotional pain is a whole other kettle of fish!) So right now, when my lower left back is stabbing me continually, my mood isn't the best, my attitude is definitely not the best and it's effecting pretty much everything I'm doing.

 

So thinking about people like cancer sufferers or long term ill – well a few days like this and I'm ready to give a month's wages towards helping them. I don't cos of the need to pay bills and because at heart, I am basically selfish and want my hard earned money to be spent on me, but at times like right now someone offering a cure would be very very welcome. It's easy to see how people suffering can be swindled for vast sums of money – if someone like me who is intelligent, well-read, well-educated, considered to be on top of things financially, basically eyes open to the conmen of this world is seriously considered any sort of snake oil treatment possible just to relieve the bit of pain I'm in – well it's no wonder people want to suspend their awareness of cons and believe, just for a little while, that it will all be ok.

 

Thankfully, I'm not the stage where life-long pain is a real possibility (aside from the fact that living is pain and without the pain we'd not appreciate the good things as much), but days like this I can sympathise. So I will try and remember not to judge people on their choices in life. Who am I to know what else is going on?

 

In other news – 0.9kg lost this week!! After the weekend with the parents, that's some achievement. I'm feeling pretty good about that since it's the first significant loss since June. But it brings my total loss to 8.1 kg since February. Another 16 kg (being 12 more months, at a rate of 8kg every 6 months......) before the wedding would be awesome and enough to get me into the size 16 dress I want to be. So I'm confident on that score.

 

I'm still awaiting the finalisation of the details for my second interview for the new job. It looks like it will be next Friday, but I need to confirm before booking flights, hotels, etc.

 

Overall, life is good, despite the current pain. I can afford to do something about all this though, so I am going to. I can do this. I can live this life. I will not allow myself to wallow in misery.......

Tuesday!!

I'm feeling pretty good this morning although I really did not want to get out of bed. It was 6:45 rather than 6......so I had a McDonalds Bagel on the way to work, but no matter since over the weekend I averaged 18000 steps a day......plenty of exercise really. And we didn't go overboard on eating at all. Well we didn't until I was left alone last night and relaxed and then the tears started and somehow 8 mini choccy bars found their way into my mouth. Could be worse – a few months ago that would've been 8 full sized bars so things improving.

 

Only one real hiccup over the weekend and that's when Ma decided we weren't drinking wine at Sunday lunch and reset the table for me. That really made me angry since she'd never do that in anyone else's house but one incident over 4 days isn't too bad all in all. It was just the way she grabbed the glasses off the table without even discussing it. Seriously out of order, then I was weepy all afternoon cos of saying goodbye to Al but managed to pull myself together enough so she and Da didn't notice. It was Mass calmed me down in the end; I cried most of the way through it from exhaustion and misery and letting things get on top of me, but then one of the little Indian boys (I suppose Indian isn't the proper term, but that's how I think of him and he's a lovely friendly kid of about 4 who is always sooooo happy.....) made a big fuss and waved and grinned at me at Communion – his mother was mortified but it gave me a big gee up when I really needed it.

 

Then I stepped on the scales this morning and I'm down!!!! 0.8 kg thank you very much! Here's the weight report:

 

You have lost 800 g in the last 6 days.

Your goal in the last 6 days was to lose 643 g.

 

So maybe an extra 200g will disappear overnight since I won't be drinking or eating dessert tonight :) I'm feeling very happy about that

And – I may have a new job soon - got an email  asking if I can attend site again to have a look around and to talk to their engineering manager. :D Big grins all round. They've also asked for my expenses from the last trip to refund me and offered to pay for the next one as well. Feeling very positive about all that. I've had to tell Ma and Da as well cos they heard the shriek when I read the email and I am very excited about it all. At the very least, there would be better promotion prospects up there and the cost of living appears to be less.....So all prayers and good thoughts gratefully received!!!

 

Now all I have to do is get through this week in work and focus on achieving what I can in the time allowed.......all will be well in the end, must remember that!

Friday at last!

Beginning of a new day. Or something like that. I got my first comment on this blog during the week – woohoo!! And now I have two cos I answered it (well it was only polite!)

 

So today. I was in work early because myself and my electrical counterpart had to have a few words with the collection of misfits we affectionately call 'The Team'. There was one person worried bout losing money once a new part of plant opens, but realistically that isn't going to happen. So we had to call them all together and get that rumour squashed before it got going.....

 

 

I didn't sleep well last night – too excited (too stressed?) to sleep, so I'm going to be tired when the afternoon comes round, but that's ok, we didn't have anything really planned. Mam is coming with me to the dress shop to see some of my favourite dresses and see what she thinks. I'm hoping she likes one in particular because it goes out of fashion at the end of August so there will be a good chance I can get it cheap. I'll have to lose some weight for it, but that won't matter too much. I have a year to do that in. No worries.

 

As for today in work – well there's some tensions in the place at the minute, but in another 3.5hrs I won't give a damn about them cos I'll be going home and then meeting Ma and Da at the train station. Al's coming down tomorrow so I get to see him again and we can have the argument about who's sleeping in the bed and who's on the pull out couch.... (sleep together??? In the same bed??? Before marriage???? With my parents in the house!!! I think not!! ;))

 

Still, I've got to book the restaurant for the meal on Sat night yet and I've a few things to do around the house this weekend that I probably won't get to do cos of Ma and Da but I'll worry about that later. Here's to a great long bank holiday weekend!

One hour, eight mins

One hour 8 mins to go. When did I become a clock-watcher? I know when, and worse, I know why, but there's nothing to be done about that now. I could be doing so much more with my time right now but I'm too exposed here to be able to do as I want without people seeing things they probably shouldn't. Thankfully, most people see me typing away and just see me typing, not what I'm actually typing although there is always that risk I suppose. I really want to lie down and sleep right now, but I can't cos I have to be in work for another hour and 7 minutes.

I could be cleaning out my bedroom right now, not dealing with the idiot I share an office with. I could be sorting out my paper work. I could be writing my OU assignment. I could be preparing my PRR. I could be cooking dinner. I could be doing any number of things. Instead, I am sat at my desk, clock watching.

There is a certain feeling that comes over me sometimes, a feeling that I could quite happily put my hands around a certain someone's neck and start squeezing until they Just. Shut. The. Hell. Up. Even the sound of their voice is sending shudders of horror and tenseness down my spine right now. I just want everyone to shut up, leave me in peace and quiet. If I have to be here for another hour and two mins, then let it be in peace rather than noise. Please for the love of God, let it be in peace.

So I need to focus on something nice and good and happy right now. I will go home and put some salmon in the oven, I think, with Mediterranean veggies and mashed potato for dinner. After dinner I will be taking a nap before heading to the gym for my PT session. After the session, I will have a nice long shower and get into snuggle clothes for the walk home. Once home, I will go to bed. I will get a good night's sleep and I will start tomorrow cool and calm, serene and peaceful, just as I started this morning. I will not let this pile of crap get to me. I will not let other people grind me down. I will not let the snide comments and asides force me to become someone I am not. I am better than this and I know it.

 

And somewhere, somewhen, I will finally find the job that suits me, that I enjoy, that fulfils me. Somewhere, somewhen. It could be a song, couldn't it? But it will happen for me. Or else I'll win the Lotto........and not have to worry about any of this every again!

I've had sexism done to me

I think that's the quote from Caitlin Moran's recent How to be a Woman (http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Woman-Caitlin-Moran/dp/0091940737/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1314174883&sr=1-1, Ebury Press, 2011, ISBN 10: 0091940737, ISBN 13: 978-0091940737)

 

I can sympathise this morning. I work in engineering, I'm used to sexism, but I'm used to the overt kind – the shock on people's faces as they discover the 'gentleman' they've been emailing for some time is in possession of some fairly obviously female traits, the look of horror as they realise a female person has overheard some off-colour jokes, that sort of thing. To be honest, that sort of thing doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's the other kind. The subtle kind. The 'you're not quite important enough for me to bother about' kind. That's the kind I faced yesterday.

 

There is a regular morning meeting (four days a week, Mon-Thurs, 08:15 – whenever) that I attend. Yesterday it was called off. Two people weren't told. It could be coincidence that we were both of the female persuasion. It may just have been that the manager in question honestly forgot to tell me. It may just be that I'm not that important on his internal scale so wasting my time isn't an issue for him. What got me was the distinct lack of an apology for forgetting me. What got me was the laughter as he realised what he'd done. What got me was the distinct impression that I should know better than to think I would be informed of such a going on. The fact that I'm on an equal ranking with him (well technically I'm marginally senior but hey ho) didn't matter a damn to him. Normal human politeness and courtesy didn't matter a damn to him. So, in the words of Ms. Moran – I've had sexism done to me.

 

I could of course bring this to HR's attention and make a complaint, but one incident doesn't a complaint make. Not unless it's a drastically obvious one like he tried to strip me or something anyway. So what will I do? Nothing really. What should I do? Confront him, point it out to him, talk to him – to what end? Engineering's a man's game – or it was and most of the male engineers and some of the female engineers I know seem happy to leave it that way. Well I'm not. And as to how I will get back at him? That's easy. I'll consistently outperform, outthink and outmanoeuvre him the way I have been doing up to now. Problem solved.

 

That's how we're going to take over the world people – not by open warfare, but by the insidious creep of female power into this world. We're not incapable, we're not defeatable – we are what drives this world. Without women, there would be no men (the reverse is also true!) Sure, I don't have the physical strength to stay swinging a 15lb hammer all day, but then my job doesn't demand I do that, so why does that fact make me a lesser engineer than someone who can? Besides, I'm sure I could develop the strength if it were a life and death situation.........

 

Most of all, I'm angry with myself cos I accepted this and didn't do anything. I wanted to punch his lights out but ladies don't do that sort of thing – it appears some of my mother's teaching did after all sink in...........

Baby steps

Last night and this morning I did a lot of good things. I ate dinner sitting at the table, using appropriate cutlery and delph. I marched on the spot for 90 mins to get my steps to where they should be. I washed up and tidied the kitchen. I put a load of laundry on and hung it out to dry. I had a shower. I went to bed on time. I applied for some jobs. I slept properly.

 

This may seem like a normal evening to most, but for me these small things represent a huge breakthrough. I managed to have a normal evening where I rested some, I did some things, I left other things to the morning, I managed my time, I achieved things. This is huge. Tonight I'm either going to a PT session or I'm going to a swimming class. I'd prefer the PT session cos it's within my comfort zone but the swimming class will open up new avenues of both socialising and of exercise for me. But either way it will be an exercise evening, which means only one more to fit in by Friday morning.

 

When I look back to six months or a year ago when I was sitting at home every evening, either not eating or binging so much I couldn't breathe hardly, I know I've made progress. This morning I decided to put on a shirt instead of a top for work. That also made a huge difference and I've put some orders on with next to get some more everyday shirts for myself. Looking smart makes me feel able to achieve so much more than when I look horrible and making the effort does pay off. I suppose this post is really to remind me that while things aren't perfect, they're a hell of a lot better than they were and I can manage things so that I achieve and make things happen myself without depending on other people.

 

So there we go – no big 'Eureka!' moment. No major breakthrough or cathartic traumatic event. Just me, plodding away at things, trying to get my life in order. 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step' goes the old proverb, but it also involves the 1609343 steps after that as well.......(1000 miles being approximately 1609344 m and each step being approximately 1 metre.......yes I know, I'm overthinking this!) but I am making those steps, slowly and surely and steadily. Realistically, I want to wear something beautiful on my wedding day, but don't want to put pressure on myself so I need to just keep on taking those small steps and see how things go. Baby steps, small progresses, slow and steady does it.

 

It's actually more encouraging than any of the 'lose weight quick' schemes I've ever seen, cos this isn't because of some 'miracle pill' this is all me.

Weekend update

So the weekend wasn't a complete disaster. I've noticed that when I fill in my food/mood diary, I tend not to get the diarrhoea (sorry this may be TMI for this hour of the morning!) but when I don't fill in the diary, the tummy upsets follow. My rational brain tells me there is no direct link between me writing in a diary and the doings of my stomach, so it must be that the tummy upsets arise from my eating behaviour when I don't fill in the diary – almost as if this is behaviour I don't want to record  for whatever reason. In other news, I have very little idea what I ate for Thurs and most of Friday last week but the evidence in the missing chocolate etc would point to mass consumption of that. Possibly because I was tired (exhausted!) all last week and stressed as well cos of the interview. I know being tired is one of my unhealthy eating triggers so normally I tend to watch that, but last week it was unavoidable.

 

So to move on. I've kept within budget this weekend, something I've very proud of. I have also accidentally spent money on my credit card so moved the money from my bank account to the credit account as soon as I got home. I did a lot of walking and managed my steps goals for Saturday AND Sunday. I'm very proud of both and of the fact that I cooked dinner for myself over the weekend and made myself some nice food for during the week.

Exercise wise – I finally broke open my fitness coach Wii game and did an hour last night. There's a lot of work there on core conditioning which I need but I found it really difficult – partly because I was doing it on straight carpet, instead of using my mat. Once I rooted out the mat it got easier but I was already tired at that point. So I am happy I did it and I certainly ended up with a sweat so all is good.

The house is clean and tidy – I changed the spare room bed over the weekend in preparation for Ma and Da's visit next weekend. Next step is to move the ebay things from the living room and tidy them away in my bedroom so the main living areas in the house don't look too cluttered. It means my bedroom looks cluttered but then Ma and Da are used to that!

I do want to carry out a major clear out of my bedroom. There are clothes in there that I will never wear, I know that, so there's no need to keep them in there as 'stuff'. A major assault needed here I think, since it will never get done if I don't get moving soon. I could potentially clear out all the clothes on my shelves and just have done with them and a lot of the underwear needs to go as well, creating more space for me really. Minimalist living is the way to go......aside from the books obviously!

 

So there we go – my trainer is back off his holidays this week so I must check to see what time I've booked him. I think it's tomorrow night but I will see. All systems go. Now if only all this decluttering will pay off when I next move house!

The weekend

Well first off the wedding dress shopping was a LOT easier than I expected. The lady who was assisting me was lovely and didn't make any of the awful comments I was expecting about losing weight or anything else. I saw four dresses I really liked and one more they're going to bring over from Westbury for me to try. All was well.

However my stomach was not well. I suffered from diarrhoea for most of the weekend and I noticed it corresponded to a few days in a row where I didn't fill in my food and mood diary. This normally links to a point where I'm not eating sensible and I'm living on junk or overdosing on something in particular. I think this time it was chocolate, but I'm not sure. It also corresponded with a resurgence of the earache that has characterised my hayfever this year so I popped some pills, overdosed on water and got plenty of sleep. the result was this morning I managed to get up for half 7, had breakfast and went to Mass for 9am. I did a few bits of shopping then, so now I need to clear out about 4 shelves in the wardrobe (otherwise known as the set of shelves I really need to replace!) and get those items I don't like, don't want to wear, don't fit or don't look right either on ebay or bagged for the charity shop.

I also did some cooking yesterday - some puff pastry from the freezer with tomato puree, mozarella and dried basil made myself a very nice pizza and I've made some breaded turkey for sandwiches for the week. Bread and nutella seem to be working for breakfast and i've got some melon and yoghurt for sweetness. I'm going to put some things in the slow cooker this evening to be ready and cooked for tomorrow night's dinner - so that will be a sort of chilli with tortilla chips and cheese. Planned dinners all sorted then cos there's pasta and sauce in the fridge as well. No need for more cooking all in all.

Right now, I'm going to get a load of washing on the go, do the washing up and prepare the kitchen for an onslaught on an OU assignment. In about 3 hours I'll tackle ebay.

I've done a lot this weekend all in all and I've a good long day ahead of me now as well. :)

Wedding dress shopping

I'm going to try on wedding dresses today. I've made an appointment and everything. I'm dreading it. I hate clothes shopping at the best of times and this is a piece of clothes shopping where everyone wants an opinion. Even complete strangers feel they can comment when you're trying on wedding dresses.

 

OK it's meant to be a happy occasion, but it's really not one for me. I hate trying on clothes when I'm this size. I don't mind it when I'm an 18 or at 16 it becomes almost a pleasure but not quite. When I'm wearing size 20 clothes, clothes shopping is hell. Added to all this, wedding dresses are sized smaller than other clothes so today I will be trying on sizes 22-26 probably – even more of an ego boost, right? What does it matter when all's said and done? I can guarantee you only a skinny girl will say that.

 

The size of your wedding dress, the size of your body on your wedding day, will haunt you forever. It's a big deal, it's more than that, it's a HUGE deal. Those photographs, no matter how flattering, will show you the truth – your husband is a good 6-12inches smaller around the waist than you are. In my case I think it's a bit more than that. So what to do? I want to get this whole wedding dress thing out of the way to be honest. The sooner I find a nice dress (preferably in a sale!) the sooner I can forget about it for 12 months. I mean, yes, I want to lose weight and yes, I want to look slim on my wedding day, but frankly I have too much else to worry about before I can focus on losing weight. This week just getting out of bed has been taking all my energy.

 

On the plus side, I have a free weekend this weekend. So maybe it's time I took some time out and started trying to figure out what's important to me. Is losing the weight and looking good for the wedding important? Or is just living my life in a cave more important? What would it take for me to be happy?

 

Will the perfect wedding dress make or break the day next year? Will that day be the happiest day in my life? I hope not to either question. If the happiest day of my life happens when I am only 32, then what on earth have I to look forward to after that?

 

So maybe I should stop putting pressure on myself about this wedding dress. Maybe I should just go along and see how things look on me and take it as an opportunity to experiment and see how things go. So in four hours time I'll be lining up outside the shop, girding my loins, seeing what's there and what can fit and away with me. Who knows-  it might even be fun!

round-up

Drunk-tired. That’s what I am today – drunk-tired. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired I’m actually close to being drunk. It’s been a long few days. OK so, Monday was back in work, but frankly, wasn’t focussing too much at all. I was mainly worried about getting through the day, to the airport and away. So I didn’t get much done.

The actual journey wasn’t that bad at all – the flight was grand and quick, there was a long queue at the car rental, but nothing out of this world. I got there eventually and all was in order. Driving to the hotel and checking in, I felt a bit disheartened since it was dank, dark and dreary. I didn’t sleep well and felt uncomfortable for most of the night. Nothing to do with the hotel I might add, but purely my own stress over the following day.

Woke up at an ungodly hour the following morning, showered, had breakfast and then spent an hour to travel the 18 miles to the interview. I ended up being 5 mins late, which was upsetting, but the HR woman was lovely and reassured me in the end. One intro by the head of maintenance for the site, one HR interview, in which I was asked for the same thing 3 times but they obviously thought it was 3 different questions. I came up with example and answers but I felt awkward and as if things weren’t quite right somewhere.....I’m not sure why. Possibly it was a personality clash between me and the interviewers, possibly it was the tiredness.......

The technical interview started better but again, the questions really threw me. There were details in there that even had they asked me the day after the lecture in uni, I wouldn’t have known. Still, I did the best I could, it was just far different to what I would have expected.

In the end I was left feeling unsettled and not quite happy. It was almost as if someone had decided before I arrived I wasn’t a real contender. So, I’m not sure. But either way, I’ll hear within about 2 weeks so we’ll see how it goes.

As for food – well. Abysmal basically. On Monday, I was fending off nerves. On Tuesday I was not eating cos of nerves, then binged. Mcdonalds once I got away from everyone, then two éclairs, coleslaw sandwich and some chocolate when I got home. This morning was mcdonalds for brekkie, then two bars of chocolate during the day with a chicken mayo baguette. I still feel fat, just as I have done for the last few days. So I need to up my veggie intake big time, and lower my stodge. Lower the stodge big-time. I think tonight I will look at putting together a cheap veggie pasta dish or veggie bake or something tide me over til payday (Friday). Aside from that, I’m not sure. I need to think about breakfasts because right now, I don’t feel like eating anything that I would normally have. I’m thinking making my own oatcakes and putting fruit on them or something. I’ll see.

Money wise – well I have a plan. I’m trying to stick to said plan and getting the new job is a vital part of the plan. So if this comes to nothing, it’s the next job I’ll be looking at. It will happen. Eventually.

First day of the holiday

Well it's more of a long weekend than a holiday, but it's the closest thing I'm getting this summer. So I'm enjoying it. This morning will be spent sorting the house out - an hour in the bedroom, about 20mins each in the kitchen and living room, quick 5mins in the bathroom and I'm done.

Then off to the dump cos I'm away on bin day, then writing and submitting of an OU assignment.

I had pizza last night for dinner and this morning my stomach is really windy and the emissions are dire. So I tihnk maybe I need to put pizza off the menu for now. We'll see. But it's in my food diary and I'll track things and how they progress...........

So I'm off to see how the day progresses - the day will be a good one!!!

The London Riots

I was scared last night watching the television. OK maybe I'm getting older, but those were scenes from a war zone not from the capital city. all I could help thinking was, 'I live above a shop, that could be me' and since I live alone - it was difficult.

But what really annoys me is that the authorities seem to be ignoring the underlying factors behind the criminality. Don't get me wrong -I do NOT in any way agree with violence or the looting or anything else. But there must be conditions leading up to the riots. In the 80's it was poverty, unemployment, general dissillusionment with the government.......I'm not sure it's all so different now. When we eradicate the social problems from society,we may find these things don't happen. During the boom times, there weren't riots were there? Or am I wrong? (Open questions that - please educate me!)

As for the woman on the television telling people to rat out their neighbours and families - that's not going to work. In fact I can think of nothing worse to be suggesting - it goes to show that people in authority don't understand what life is like and what the consequences might be if the person informing were found out. Maybe there's a secret way, a confidential line, a non-tracked website......maybe. But doesn't that lead us further down the road of Orwell's 1984 or similar writings?

The time has come to take me and mine out of this country and go where I at least know the societal norms and can manage in times like this. Because - to a certain extent - I can sympathise with those feeling disaffected and angry. I can sympathise with those who want to do something but aren't sure what. I can sympathise with those who took part in a peaceful protest and who have seen that protest stolen from them and been forced down other avenues.

I want out. Is this the beginning of the end? Will London degenerate into chaos? Where's the Queen in all this? Surely she should be sending her people out to help? and by people I mean family - there's enough of them. And by help, I don't mean trying to quell the riots, I mean by listening to what people are saying. I can't be the only one in the country saying, yes this is deplorable, and completely out of order, but........what are the underlying factors leading to this?

No excuse? No, definitely not, but lack of education, lack of employment, lack of help dragging yourself out of the mire, expecially when you've grown up thinking you're 'entitled' to a living without any effort on your part........it all leads to a mess!

Signs and symptoms

Signs and symbols. Well ok, more physical signs and symptoms. I woke up this morning at 5am, forced myself to stay in bed til 6, then was very productive for 90mins until I had to leave for work. Since I've been in work – I've not been able to stop yawning, I'm feeling generally tired and demotivated, and my diet this morning has been abysmal so far. Well breakfast was a chicken & stuffing sandwich with an oat bar, snack is a pack of crisps and a pack of mini choccy fingers, lunch is couscous with something and a bag of buttons, all of which leaves me with about 250cals for dinner and very little inclination for work.

 

I'm not sure this is just my normal 'Monday Morning Syndrome'. In fact I'm fairly sure it's not. Added to the fact that the weekend was no prize foodwise and I need to have a look and see what's going wrong.

 

1) I had a fair whack to drink on Friday. That had a knock on effect for Saturday and led onto Sunday as well. I felt awful for most of Saturday and it really was only on Sat night I started feeling normal again. So drinking that much is not good for me. I need to learn to separate 'drinking' and 'being a good hostess'.

2) Which leads me onto point two – I need stop worrying when friends come to visit. They're here to enjoy themselves and to see me, not to nitpic and find things wrong with my home or my catering. I shall work on this since it seems to be getting worse over time, not better.

 

3) Feeling ill as I did Friday morning was unusual and I've still got a sense of that nausea lurking in the background right now. I feel like my guts could explode any minute which may have led to the drinking on Fri (well partly) just to stop feeling nauseous. I know, drinking to cure nausea isn't the best idea but it worked.........

 

4)The foods I had in the house were for the most part sensible and realistic – it was only when I was ill on Saturday, hungover on Saturday, that the problems started and the chocolate became my sole diet. So the trick is to get more picky fruit type things and not just choccy type things. The strawberries in the fridge will help those things.

 

So how am I pulling myself out of this? Well step one is to have a good dinner tonight. There's leftover fajitas for tonight and I have a risotto pack to make up for lunch tomorrow. I will make myself spaghetti Bolognese tomorrow night. Breakfasts will be bacon and sausage – done in George-  so that will be a good lot of protein sorted to start the day with.

 

Money wise? Ebay is a success at the minute – tonight I will spend some hours putting on some more stuff and see what I can make next week. And that's all I can do. Spending some time every night is the ideal, but I need to set up a space in the living room to do this. Possibly that will be tonight's first task along with clearing another shelf in the bedroom.

 

It's all go go go and while exercise isn't appearing much on these lists, there are efforts continuing to include exercise more as part of day-to-day life instead of huge efforts then nothing for a while. So, I'm using the bike for shopping and the gym and walking into town and generally, leaving the car for travels to and from work rather than anything else. Gradually, I know this will work and will be a better long term plan than going nuts in the gym where i will get bored eventually!

Mixed weekend

there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that I've made about £50 profit on ebay in the last week -t hat's over half the sofa-bed paid for. I now have to wrap and send all the stuff, but it will be worth it.

The bad news is that food/health went out the window. I had guests staying over on Friday night and being a hostess really takes it out of me! Plus I got to bed after midnight and then woke at 6 Sat morning so was not the happiest in the world, but hey-ho that really was no excuse for the chocolate fest that followed.Still, it could be worse. There could've been chocolate AND wine all weekend whereas there was only alcohol on Fri night.

So it's late now and I'm feeling tired again, despite spending a lot of the day in bed (or perhaps because of......) well it's 9pm and I'm feeling tired. Still, the kitchen is clean and tidy, the laundry is done, the bathroom is clean and the living room is tidy. So things aren't all bad :)

And, in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day :)

I'm feeeeeelllllllinngggggg gooooooooooooooood

Today I feel good. I mean, I'm stiff and sore from the overexercise last night, but in general, I feel good.

 

I feel like I have energy and enthusiasm although little of that is being translated into work. I am determined to tackle an assignment today though and get it written and sorted. It's a 1500 words answer, but there are 4 'guidance' questions within the notes so with intro and conclusion, that's only 425 words a question. Sorted.

 

I've got guests coming today as well so I need to make the bed for them and clear out the room a bit. Just generally make it 'guest friendly' and give the bathroom the once-over. I feel good about the flat right now. OK my bedroom needs a good sort out but that can go ahead whenever, and selling the clothes and books will empty that out gradually anyway. I must bag up some DVDs and CDs as well this afternoon. Maybe Rob and Katie will want some (they're my visitors this weekend) but otherwise, Cash Convertors will be my friend for that I think. Anything I make will be a bonus.

 

I've got some costume jewellery to sell as well-  I  think ebay with free postage is the way to go with that as well. If I put on another lot of 'stuff' this weekend and have it all ending on the Sunday as well, it will give me something to occupy myself with next weekend when Al's gone and I'm on my own. Plus if I double what i make this week, that will be the sofabed paid for. Very good news. Of course the money is going towards cash this month because of the overspend on the hen weekend but next month all this will be going straight to debt repayment. Also, I think I will post on my progress on the debt once a month or so, just to highlight to myself what progress has been made or whatever. The more effort I put in, the better it will be.

 

So for today – get this assignment written and sent off. Wrap up the bits from ebay that will sell and get them labelled. Get the spare room ready to go. Get the shopping in for dinner tonight and possibly tomorrow night? I'll think about that. Or maybe I'll make a lasagne today and that way if they don't want dinner in tomorrow night, I can have it for lunch during the week.

 

All go, go, go :)

Things not to do before a PT session

I mistook the time for my personal training session tonight so I turned up at 18:20 to do a 10min warm up before the start of the session (as I thought) at 18:30. But the session wasn't due until 19:00 - thankfully the trainer spotted me and was free so came to rescue me just after 18:45. 27mins on the cross trainer followed by an hour of weights work interspersed with cardio -I'm feeling fairly knackered now!

So, I was already stiff this morning - I'm not sure I will be abel to dress myself in the morning. All I have to do is to get a good night's sleep and I can get up and go.....or get up and hobble........

In other news - I've so far made £40 on ebay!! Nearly half the sofa paid for!!!

I may manage some spending money this month after all :D

Another update

Well things have improved a bit. I'm making some sales on ebay and I've made one sale on amazon – total profit so far is £18, but there is another £10 coming from ebay at the end of the week. Aim tonight is to get some more items on there so I can start emptying out the house. Addition to the plan is a trip to Cash Converters this Friday to trade in some DVD's and CD's I don't need anymore. There are a lot on there that I bought in a fit of something years ago and don't need anymore.

 

The corollary to the 'get more stuff on ebay' is that the flat will be emptier and therefore easier to clean and keep tidy. I'm doing well with the kitchen – well over a week since the Big Clean and it's still going strong. Living room is a bit more difficult, particularly with the ebay stuff still in there but I have a plan for that too. Bedroom will take longer. The bathroom has been clean for over a week and is staying so with minimal effort. Now I just need to get the clutter in the corners on ebay and sold and get it out of the house :)

 

Work is....well......well it's going. I'm not sure how I'm doing at the minute cos I have no motivation whatsoever and I don't want to be here anymore. So I need to up my efforts in other areas so that when the right job comes along I can move and move quickly to take advantage of it. Part of the emptying the house effort will work towards that. I have several books I know I can sell, I just need to list them and I'm searching for other places to sell books as well. It will all be fun.

 

That's the money stuff. The weight stuff is less certain. The  scales are hovering between 117 and 118kg at the minute and it's very annoying – it's all the more annoying for the fact that I know why they're not moving down at all. So I've come up with a new challenge for myself – there's a mini triathlon in Bournemouth in October – I'm going to do it. 400m swim, 11.5mile cycle and a 5km run/walk. The swim and the cycle will be no bother to me, but the run may be. So training required.

 

I did at least cook last night – dinner was a collection of mini aeros and milky ways, possibly one of the least healthy dinners I've ever had. I'm having a risotto for lunch today though and I've the same for tomorrow. Dinner tonight will be using up the melon and other fruit that is about to go off, so I will probably be lighter tomorrow morning even if just from the toilet trips ;)

 

So I'm feeling ok in total. Today will be spent working on various things to improve myself and my situation........I hope!