See there's that positive thinking again. So - I'm prepared. I've had my planned breakfast. I've organised my lunch which should be filling and satisfying. I have my gym bag packed for later. I have my Asda shop arriving this evening. I have soup organised for lunch tomorrow as well.
Loads of good things. add on to the fact that I am only planning on working a four day week this week and that there are a few things I need to get written up in work and things should be fine today.
If I had one small not-positive note, it's that I have a manic headache this morning and I think it's this cold that's been threatening for so long. So, Lemsip will be coming out today to try and ease that pain.
But overall - this will be a good day and a good week. I've decided. So there.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Self-exploratory post
OK I'm not sure where this post is going so bear with me. I just finished reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and it got me thinking. I don't have 12months savings to go off and travel and spend four months in three different places around the world to 'find' myself, or find true happiness. But I can put some of the lessons into place that she learned.
For example, last week was meant to be a nice relaxing, peaceful week at home, chilling out and getting my head together. Instead I was in work - now my boss was adamant that he hadn't asked me to do this - probably cos he had gone around the taking holiday rules and booked the same time off for himself after I had booked my time - that's the second time this year that has happened. So in the end I had Friday off and not the whole week. Which caused some problems with my week of chilling and relaxing, particularly when I was in early and late and all over the place.
But there are some good things to take for this - I now have 4 extra days holiday that I hadn't expected. that's a good thing. I can, if I like, work four day weeks from now until Christmas because of this. That would be quite pleasant I think. I could also take some time off when I need it a bit more - such as when my boss is actually in work cos he has no holidays left now - but I won't be able to spend it with Al. never mind, last week is done and there's no reliving the past to change it unfortunately.
Onto another good thing. My misery last week prompted al to sort out some things that I had been worrying over and we had a really good talk about living together after the wedding. He also told me some things that put my mind at ease - I was wondering how we were going to handle some differences between our ways of spending leisure time and it turns out we already have some good systems in place for this, even when we're living together. This is excellent news. I walked around with a big grin all day yesterday after the conversation on Friday night.
So - some things I need to put into place. I need to start going to Mass again - it makes me feel better and able to face whatever the week throws at me, so by attending, I am doing myself a favour. I need to think more in terms of doing myself favours like that. I made myself a mozzarella and tomato and basil salad last night for dinner - it was gorgeous. It really was lovely. And I'm worth that sort of effort. So making myself nice food is a good thing and I'm worth it. I've got the makings of a good parsnip soup and a carrot and coriander soup as well - that will make a difference to the food for the next few weeks. Which is all good. Nice pleasant food to keep me warm, full and satisfied. I need to go back to having the kitchen as a warm and welcoming place rather than a place I avoid. I have a good clean oven again, 30mins this morning will restore order to the washing up and fold the dry laundry and then I will have a calm peaceful room again to create culinary delights.
Then it's the turn of my study space in the living room. I need to clear off all the old paperwork and either file it or chuck it. That's another 30mins. So in an hour today I will have made great strides in getting things together. I need to also get a lot of clothes on ebay today - it's free insertion this weekend so I may as well take advantage of it and get a lot of the good shoes and clothes on there that might make me some money.
So - a clean flat, a clean mind, a clean life - those were the lessons I learned from that book and I intend to keep putting them into practice. But the most important things to remember is that this isn't about perfection. It's never about perfection. It's about surviving. And I can do that - i've been doing it for years. But not just surviving, surviving well. The thing to remember is that life is for living, not just surviving. Living, not just surviving. That's my new mantra I think!!
For example, last week was meant to be a nice relaxing, peaceful week at home, chilling out and getting my head together. Instead I was in work - now my boss was adamant that he hadn't asked me to do this - probably cos he had gone around the taking holiday rules and booked the same time off for himself after I had booked my time - that's the second time this year that has happened. So in the end I had Friday off and not the whole week. Which caused some problems with my week of chilling and relaxing, particularly when I was in early and late and all over the place.
But there are some good things to take for this - I now have 4 extra days holiday that I hadn't expected. that's a good thing. I can, if I like, work four day weeks from now until Christmas because of this. That would be quite pleasant I think. I could also take some time off when I need it a bit more - such as when my boss is actually in work cos he has no holidays left now - but I won't be able to spend it with Al. never mind, last week is done and there's no reliving the past to change it unfortunately.
Onto another good thing. My misery last week prompted al to sort out some things that I had been worrying over and we had a really good talk about living together after the wedding. He also told me some things that put my mind at ease - I was wondering how we were going to handle some differences between our ways of spending leisure time and it turns out we already have some good systems in place for this, even when we're living together. This is excellent news. I walked around with a big grin all day yesterday after the conversation on Friday night.
So - some things I need to put into place. I need to start going to Mass again - it makes me feel better and able to face whatever the week throws at me, so by attending, I am doing myself a favour. I need to think more in terms of doing myself favours like that. I made myself a mozzarella and tomato and basil salad last night for dinner - it was gorgeous. It really was lovely. And I'm worth that sort of effort. So making myself nice food is a good thing and I'm worth it. I've got the makings of a good parsnip soup and a carrot and coriander soup as well - that will make a difference to the food for the next few weeks. Which is all good. Nice pleasant food to keep me warm, full and satisfied. I need to go back to having the kitchen as a warm and welcoming place rather than a place I avoid. I have a good clean oven again, 30mins this morning will restore order to the washing up and fold the dry laundry and then I will have a calm peaceful room again to create culinary delights.
Then it's the turn of my study space in the living room. I need to clear off all the old paperwork and either file it or chuck it. That's another 30mins. So in an hour today I will have made great strides in getting things together. I need to also get a lot of clothes on ebay today - it's free insertion this weekend so I may as well take advantage of it and get a lot of the good shoes and clothes on there that might make me some money.
So - a clean flat, a clean mind, a clean life - those were the lessons I learned from that book and I intend to keep putting them into practice. But the most important things to remember is that this isn't about perfection. It's never about perfection. It's about surviving. And I can do that - i've been doing it for years. But not just surviving, surviving well. The thing to remember is that life is for living, not just surviving. Living, not just surviving. That's my new mantra I think!!
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Sunday
Yesterday was pretty much a write off regarding getting anything done. I did manage to get out and do some shopping (entire week's shopping, £16, go me!!) and I had a good chat with Al and another friend, but I feel like the day was wasted really.
today - well I need to catch up on a few days washing. Ordinarilly this would be a few plates and mugs but because I've been cooking meals this week, there's actual pots and pans and things like that to wash up as well. Then I have clothes to fold and put away and a few places to hoover. The problem with hoovering is that once you start, you keep on noticing things to hoover further........
then I need to get to Kwik Fit cos I have a slow puncture on a tyre and probably need to get to the tip as well.
so - budget is still on track, food is in the house, house is reasonably tidy......life is ok.
Except. yes there's always an except. i've had a headache for about 4 days now, I've had my holiday next week cancelled, work is extremely stressful and I seem to be stuck in stasis - I just can't manage to pull myself together enough to get moving...........
any ideas gratefully received.
today - well I need to catch up on a few days washing. Ordinarilly this would be a few plates and mugs but because I've been cooking meals this week, there's actual pots and pans and things like that to wash up as well. Then I have clothes to fold and put away and a few places to hoover. The problem with hoovering is that once you start, you keep on noticing things to hoover further........
then I need to get to Kwik Fit cos I have a slow puncture on a tyre and probably need to get to the tip as well.
so - budget is still on track, food is in the house, house is reasonably tidy......life is ok.
Except. yes there's always an except. i've had a headache for about 4 days now, I've had my holiday next week cancelled, work is extremely stressful and I seem to be stuck in stasis - I just can't manage to pull myself together enough to get moving...........
any ideas gratefully received.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Feeling very resentful
Well a lot resentful. Filled with resentment in fact. Basically my partner and I are both in a fair whack of debt - debt we can pay off I might add - but we also have a wedding coming up that needs to be paid for. Now I've figured out how I can pay for my dress, the wedding rings, the bridesmaids outfits, the music and the cake. What I haven't figured out how to pay for is the engagement ring. Now OK that's technically my partners responsibility but after agreeing a budget with him (and coming in under budget) he now doesn't have the money to pay for it cos he spent it. And he doesn't know what he spent it on. So I can't have my engagement ring yet cos we don't have the money for it. I'm frantically trying to sort out my finances and find the money from somewhere but I'm really struggling with this.
I've cut back my spending as much as I can -I spent less than £20 on food this week - but I will really struggle to do this on my own. We need to work together as a team to get this money together, but he refuses to even look at ways he can cut back on his spending. I mean even if he gave up fags like he says he wants to that would be £30 a week that could go towards the ring. Alright, so if we were depending on that money for the ring, it would be 18months before I got it, but if we found another £100 a month each I could have it in time for my birthday. Tht's a mere 2months before the wedding. I feel really really resentful that he won't even consider making cutbacks like I am - he just doesn't see all the luxuries we have.
I suppose most of all I'm resenting the fact that he isn't even prepared to go through a monthly budget with me and see where we can save money. I mean, I admit there's probably places I can cut back - I just can't see them right now. Surely that's part of the role of a partner? Honestly, things will be so much easier when we're living together - we'll be £500 a month better off for a start!!
I've cut back my spending as much as I can -I spent less than £20 on food this week - but I will really struggle to do this on my own. We need to work together as a team to get this money together, but he refuses to even look at ways he can cut back on his spending. I mean even if he gave up fags like he says he wants to that would be £30 a week that could go towards the ring. Alright, so if we were depending on that money for the ring, it would be 18months before I got it, but if we found another £100 a month each I could have it in time for my birthday. Tht's a mere 2months before the wedding. I feel really really resentful that he won't even consider making cutbacks like I am - he just doesn't see all the luxuries we have.
I suppose most of all I'm resenting the fact that he isn't even prepared to go through a monthly budget with me and see where we can save money. I mean, I admit there's probably places I can cut back - I just can't see them right now. Surely that's part of the role of a partner? Honestly, things will be so much easier when we're living together - we'll be £500 a month better off for a start!!
Thursday, 13 October 2011
More than a week
OK so it's been over a week since I posted and there's been some reasons for that.
My depression is back full tilt. Evenings are spent on the couch alternatively crying and eating. neither of which is particularly good for me.
Days are spend zombie-like in work. There's a lot of stress on at the minute and things are not going well. there's all sorts of politics and crap and none of it is helping me or my mental health.
I've had to cancel half my holiday in a few weeks time cos my boss booked holiday at the same time and there's things going on that one of us at least should be here for. I'm angry about that cos he did the same thing in the summer and it means that Al and I won't have a holiday together this year now. It's making me worry about my honeymoon next year as well. That's been booked for over 8months so by the time the honeymoon actually comes round it will be 18months, but I'm not sure if he'll honour that either.
Al is going into survival mode cos he can't think of any other way to survive - but it means he's not being helpful or supportive of me really. I know why, I just wish he could separate what's happening to him and my situation. I've tried to shield him from all the work stuff, but it slipped out earlier in the week. Now I'm worried I'm taking too much on myself and am unable to keep going.
So there we go. I'm taking tomorrow off work - I've put a holiday slip in, but whether it's signed or not I'm not going in. I need a day at home to sort the flat out and get it into a shape that I can maintain again. once it's tidy, it's easier to keep tidy - if that makes sense to anyone but me!! It means a few trips to charity shops and the tip, but it will be worth it.
Job hunt is ongoing -I'm applying left, right and centre for jobs. I hope to get one soon........otherwise things will be difficult here for a while. Especially if my colleague that I trust leaves me.
For now? Get up, get dressed, go to work, survive, come home. Prepare for weekend. And breathe. Remember to breath. It's important!!
My depression is back full tilt. Evenings are spent on the couch alternatively crying and eating. neither of which is particularly good for me.
Days are spend zombie-like in work. There's a lot of stress on at the minute and things are not going well. there's all sorts of politics and crap and none of it is helping me or my mental health.
I've had to cancel half my holiday in a few weeks time cos my boss booked holiday at the same time and there's things going on that one of us at least should be here for. I'm angry about that cos he did the same thing in the summer and it means that Al and I won't have a holiday together this year now. It's making me worry about my honeymoon next year as well. That's been booked for over 8months so by the time the honeymoon actually comes round it will be 18months, but I'm not sure if he'll honour that either.
Al is going into survival mode cos he can't think of any other way to survive - but it means he's not being helpful or supportive of me really. I know why, I just wish he could separate what's happening to him and my situation. I've tried to shield him from all the work stuff, but it slipped out earlier in the week. Now I'm worried I'm taking too much on myself and am unable to keep going.
So there we go. I'm taking tomorrow off work - I've put a holiday slip in, but whether it's signed or not I'm not going in. I need a day at home to sort the flat out and get it into a shape that I can maintain again. once it's tidy, it's easier to keep tidy - if that makes sense to anyone but me!! It means a few trips to charity shops and the tip, but it will be worth it.
Job hunt is ongoing -I'm applying left, right and centre for jobs. I hope to get one soon........otherwise things will be difficult here for a while. Especially if my colleague that I trust leaves me.
For now? Get up, get dressed, go to work, survive, come home. Prepare for weekend. And breathe. Remember to breath. It's important!!
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Wednesday already
It was a very very bad day yesterday. Auditors were in work and things went haywire - completely haywire. I was upset but didn't cry or let it get to me too much. Just spent the day in a daze really. Still there were some good things.
1) I got up in time
2) I made it into work early
3) I had breakfast
4) I logged my food for breakfast and lunch (dinner went a bit haywire)
5) I didn't gaze into space for the evening.
6) I wore a nice coloured top to work
7) I felt good about the way I looked.
8) My trousers are a lot looser now.
9) My bedroom is still relatively tidy
10) I made it to ten!!!
I know number ten seems like a cop out, but really, it isn't. Today was a real struggle getting ten items down there so having 9 'proper' ones and then the tenth proclaiming the fact is a positive!!!
Right so plans for today. I'm about to go put the kettle on and make myself a coffee. While that brewing I'm getting in the shower and getting dressed. I will then eat my breakfast at the time like a civilised person and head into work. My hair definitely needs a wash, it feels icky.
In work, I will make sure I get out for a walk for at least 10mins today. I need the fresh air, regardless of the weather.
Today will be a better day. a lot better. And I will manage to clear off my study area tonight so that I can start studying properly as well. it's only a small table but it's completely defeating me at the minute, much the same way as the washing up was defeating me last week. One small mountain at a time!!
1) I got up in time
2) I made it into work early
3) I had breakfast
4) I logged my food for breakfast and lunch (dinner went a bit haywire)
5) I didn't gaze into space for the evening.
6) I wore a nice coloured top to work
7) I felt good about the way I looked.
8) My trousers are a lot looser now.
9) My bedroom is still relatively tidy
10) I made it to ten!!!
I know number ten seems like a cop out, but really, it isn't. Today was a real struggle getting ten items down there so having 9 'proper' ones and then the tenth proclaiming the fact is a positive!!!
Right so plans for today. I'm about to go put the kettle on and make myself a coffee. While that brewing I'm getting in the shower and getting dressed. I will then eat my breakfast at the time like a civilised person and head into work. My hair definitely needs a wash, it feels icky.
In work, I will make sure I get out for a walk for at least 10mins today. I need the fresh air, regardless of the weather.
Today will be a better day. a lot better. And I will manage to clear off my study area tonight so that I can start studying properly as well. it's only a small table but it's completely defeating me at the minute, much the same way as the washing up was defeating me last week. One small mountain at a time!!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Weekend positivity
There hasn't been a post in a few days. I've been busy, away and then back in work. I'm finding things difficult – little things like the washing up take up so much energy and effort it's not funny. I am going to try for a good long list of positives today though. I have four days worth to build up so it should be decent.
1) I got my essay first draft written.
2) I got a rewrite done as well.
3) I handed in the essay well in time.
4) I feel it was a good attempt and covered the question adequately.
5) I finished AA100 – finally!!
6) I remember my pills all over the weekend.
7) I stayed awake to let the boiler man in on Friday.
8) I allowed myself to sleep later on in the day.
9) I ate dinner, even if it wasn't extremely healthy!
10) I got up early on Sat
11) I did my jobs around town before heading to Cheltenham.
12) I didn't get stressed about being late.
13) I enjoyed the drive.
14) I didn't let Gail rattle me when I got there.
15) I didn't let the fact that Josh was scared of me bother me.
16) I let my hair down and relaxed.
17) I didn't allow myself to be pushed into things I didn't want to be pushed into.
18) I got asked for ID in Sainsburys!!!
19) I ate until I was full on Sat and then stopped.
20) I didn't sleep very well on Sat night, but allowed myself to be awake without pressure and just enjoyed the reading time.
21) I relaxed again on Sunday.
22) I enjoyed reading my book in bed.
23) I didn't get up as soon as I heard Josh wake, but left Mark and Anna to deal with it.
24) I chilled out in the morning on the couch.
25) I watched the second half of the rugby and really enjoyed it.
26) I didn't let people bug me into getting in the way.
27) I had a really good chat with Anna.
28) I ate what I wanted at dinner.
29) I didn't bother eating anything else cos I was full.
30) I slept when I was tired.
31) I dragged myself out of bed on Monday even though I was tired.
32) I did the washing up.
33) I went to the psychologist.
34) I didn't eat anything after dinner.
35) I ate at the table.
36) I went to bed on time.
37) I wore a bright top yesterday.
38) I held my temper during a text conversation.
39) I did some study on my new course.
40) I drank enough water.
OK so there are a lot of repetitions in there, but sometimes doing the same thing day in, day out is difficult, so I reserve the right to treat them as separate for that!! :)
Today's positivity – well I'll worry about it tomorrow. I'm not sure how much there is to be honest, cos it's been an awful day in work, but I will persevere. By focussing on thinking positively, I hope to get my brain back in action on the positive mood swings rather than the negative ones.
I saw the psychologist last night and that was a positive experience. She gave me a handout to work through and some good ideas for things to do. She also said I was doing a lot to help myself as it was so try and keep that up. Fingers crossed it works!!
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