Last week and the effects of stress

I feel down today. I feel weepy, miserable, tired, out-of-sorts, and generally on the ‘not’ side of the good mood vs. not good mood spectrum. Why? Well numerous reasons I suppose.

Last week was tough. I never do well on time away from home anyway for business. I can cope with the odd bit here or there, but find dealing with strangers every day for a week very tiring and stressful. Especially when said strangers are meant to be equal colleagues but don’t treat you as such. And I had to pay for the hotel etc from my own funds cos there was something wrong with the card that had been used to book it all. Then the travelling was tiring and stressful, particularly when the Eurostar was running late and I had to sprint for the train and then a woman I know only marginally was picking me up from the station cos my fiancé had messed up the dates and arranged his stag weekend for last weekend. So by the time I got home at half ten on Friday night I was exhausted and ready to collapse.

Then I woke at 7am on Sat and dozed until 9:45, then realised I was meant to be in the beauticians for 10, so sprinted off to that, then came home and went to bed for an hour, then frantically running around packing a bag for Sat night, headed off to Sudbury for the final dress fitting/paying for it etc. More money gone from the account.

Sat night was pretty relaxing in the spa with a good friend – we hit the spa for a few hours, ordered room service and watched a film, then hit the spa again the following morning. It was lovely and relaxing. Really great.

Then got home and went back into bed. I’m still tired. I think it’s partly less-than-wise food choices and the stress from last week, plus all the stress from this week to sort out wedding things etc. There’s not much left to be done, but the things that are left are mostly Al’s arena and it hasn’t been happening. So I’m reminding him of a load of things, then feeling back for reminding him, then feeling twice as bad reminding him again when they’ve not been done………

I think I’ll head home from work early today. I was in early, so it won’t be the end of the world, but the extra sleep could do me the world of good. In fact, I think that’s decision made. I’ll be home by about 4pm and in bed by 5 past…….

Sleep

I’m tired this morning. More than that, I’m exhausted this morning. I don’t think I’ll be going to Rosemary Conley tonight. I just want to go home and sleep. Sleep the sleep of the sleeping. Al and I need to develop an effective bedtime routine for both of us. At the minute, we’re not getting that right.

I’ve got meetings for most of this afternoon, so I can’t even duck out of them. I think an early lunch (read: pop home for an hour to grab some kip!) might see me through, but I’m unsure. Too many meetings all at once……..It’s wrong.

OK plan for today. Big plans. Get through the day. Get home. Get some sleep.

Another weekend, another hiccup

Weelends are my downfall. I feel like they’re an excuse to not care in general. So I don’t care about washing, about taking my meds, about eating properly, about anything. It leads to problems when it comes to health and diet and exercise. Well read on to find out about the weekend.

I went out with the boss on Friday afternoon to allow him to buy us a pint after a successful shutdown. I got in the mood for drinking then, so Al and I ended up coming home, got showered and headed out again. We wet into a pub in town that had live music playing, met up with some lads from work, had a great night. It was 2am before we got home!! I fell in mud on the way home – I think I would’ve done that regardless of the drink in my cos the place was a quagmire after the showers all day, but regardless, the downstairs bathroom needs to be de-mudded now!

Of course since I had to be and out of the house by 9 on Sat morning this led to sleep deprivation as well as severe dehydration, which in turn led to a fairly major pig out at McDonalds before my dress fitting. That was followed by gorgeous roast chicken dinner at Al’s friends on Sat night – 1am getting to bed. Yesterday I felt awful. So we ended up doing pretty much nothing all day. I slept for most of it to be honest. We did manage to get the clean laundry put away and the bedroom tidied up though. And the bed changed – fresh sheets last night!!!

On the plus side, the dress fits and actually needs taking in around the bust. Plus I ordered a veil and tiara on Sat as well, so that should all be ready to pick up next Saturday. Getting very excited about the wedding thing now.

Still, today is a new day. I went to see a LighterLife counsellor on Sat as well. I’m thinking of doing that for a few months to see how I get on. It will work out at between £250 and £300 a month, so it will be dependent on Al getting work, but it’s something I’m seriously thinking of now. I won’t start until after the honeymoon of course, but it might help more than some of the other things. They actually have meals and stuff now on LighterLife – not just shakes………It would mean hitting a BMI of 30 in 22 weeks. Starting in September. I could be 81kg by February 2013.

I know, another new idea and it’s unlikely training for the marathon can really start until after I start eating enough again, but the counsellor said my usual exercise – aerobics, C25k etc would be ok.

I just want to have a magic wand and make all the weight go away……….

Another new week today and this week the aim is to come in under calories for the week. I was 1686cals over last week (well 1686 over for 1kg weight loss, so still on for 0.75kg loss, but it really doesn’t feel like it today!) This week – keeping to cals. I can and will do this.

I can, I will, I am able.

End of week update

Today is Friday. Well duh, you know that already, but it’s a good thing to highlight. It’s also Friday 13^th, which if you’re a Templar Knight is bad news, but I think the rest of us are ok.

It’s been a good week. I’ve enjoyed myself. Work has been flowing and I’m getting through things and things are moving along nicely in many areas. I’m developing relationships, managing my workload and getting through and ticking things off my workload as I go along. It feel good.

It also feels good that my body moved this week. I enjoyed the exercise on Wednesday night and my body still has those slight ‘pulls’ to remind me I worked hard. It makes me want to do more of that. I’m going to look for another aerobics class I can do in the gym or something. Something that will get me moving again and stretch me a bit. Plus if I do the lunchtime classes, it will both give me a good break from work and not eat up the evening time.

I’ve been reading this: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nonrunners-Marathon-Guide-Women-Training/dp/1580052053 It’s excellent. It really is a nice account of what to expect and strategies that may or may not help. The main thing is? To start. Apparently once you start, it gets easier to keep going – mentally anyway. Physically, I’ve got 4 months of pain to look forward to. And I won’t lose any weight. Apparently. I think if I eat properly, I might lose a bit, but we’ll see. It’s not the main aim of this marathon gig anyway. The walking for an hour in preparation hasn’t happened, hence the mention of gym classes in the paragraph above. I reckon 3 classes a week would make a big impact.

There’s also another book on my reading list that I’m planning  on getting through this weekend and then tackling the weeks one at a time after the honeymoon. So, for two months it will be C25k program, the two months after that the C210k program, then the four months to a half marathon, then finally, the marathon. So by next summer I should be ready to tackle one. The notions of ‘long runs’ of up to 20miles are a bit worrying, but I want to do this. I can, I will, I am able. I may print that out and hang it on the wall.

So, it’s been a good week. Next week is going to be better. I’m determined to stick to my eating plan from now until Wednesday, to get some exercise over the weekend and to attend 3 classes next week (Rosemary Conley and two others). I’ll book onto them today to make sure I do it.

Wanting and making

A lot of people say that if you really want something, you will make it happen. I find myself thinking and wondering if there’s anything I really want that much in life. I suppose the wedding is one thing. I mean I really want that to happen and it is happening. It hasn’t really taken much work on my part though. When you think about it, it’s all come down to project management and that I’m good at.

What about weight then. Why can’t I see that in the same way? I weighed in at Rosemary Conley last night and I stayed the same over the last two weeks. I was disappointed, but I also know why it happened. So last night I had a binge. 2 x packs of chocolate fingers, a chocolate éclair and a pack of cashew nuts. And even after all that, I was only 225cals over my allowance – mainly cos of not having eaten all day at all really, so I had loads of cals left over. Plus the aerobics class worked as well.

I feel good about it all today. I took a break last night and if I’m going to do that, Wednesday night is the night to do it in. That gives me a week to recover. There are too many things right now getting in the way of my focus on the weight loss, so giving myself one night a week off will relieve a bit of all that stress.

Just one night though and today I’m back on the wagon so to speak. I’ve logged all my food. I’ve eaten sensibly (aside from not having breakfast, but frankly I was still full after last night’s chocfest!). It’s all within the allowed parameters. I’m doing well. I’ve got a plan for tonight and I’m sticking with it.

My water bottle is full and ready to be emptied. I’m taking in twice as many veg as fruit. I’m looking at fat levels and things like that to see if I’m cutting back where I can. I will do this. I’m determined. And I’m going to start on the bike this weekend as well. I know, I know, I’ve said that for every weekend since I moved to Haverhill, but I mean it this time. I’m getting it out of the shed, pumping the tires and getting moving. I need to do a practice run to work to make sure I can make it on time in the mornings and make it up all the hills and things, but if I could make it, then I could sell my car and get things ready for the rest of the paying off of the wedding. Otherwise, we’re a bit stuck for cash.

I will do this. I’m determined to lose weight, to be a size 16 again. I know, it’s still a plus size but it’s the smallest size I’ve been as an adult, so it’s a reasonable aim for now. I’ve got a meeting with a LighterLife consultant this Saturday as well. I may be doing that program after the honeymoon. I will certainly lose weight on that, but whether I will be happy or not with it, I don’t know. I can always give it a go for a month I suppose and see how it works out. September is a good time for those things. Even so long out of education, September still seems like a second ‘New Year’ to me, just one without all the alcohol.  If I stuck with lighterlife for a month, that could be 7kg gone. If I stuck with it until Christmas, that could be  27kg gone. That would be a lot, but it works out about £250 a month, so I’d have to see where that money would come from.

Something to consider for the next month or so anyway.

So for now – get going on the biking and the C25k program. Now I’ve got my mp3 player, there’ll be no stopping me!!!

Wakeful dreaming

I had a moment this morning in the car. I was turning right from the estate onto the main road, as I do most mornings, and as I was about to go, I saw a car coming in from the left. It was going fast, but I went anyway. When I was on the road, it had disappeared. I remember bracing myself for impact, remember imagining the pain, being tossed through the windscreen despite the fact I was wearing my seatbelt, the fumes, the flames.

Is it possible my waking and dreaming minds are becoming mixed and intertwined? I was sure I was driving out in front of this car with nothing to stop me. It wasn’t even a decision, just something that was going to happen. Something I had no control over. Is it a premonition or my mind playing tricks on me?

It was weird. Almost as if I was in a dream, but yet I’m in work and posting this so I must be awake, mustn’t I? I suppose if I see this post tomorrow I’ll know I was awake………..

New Challenge

I’m going to run a marathon.

OK it’s not going to happen tomorrow, but I’ve got some books on it, all aimed at ‘non-runners’ and I’m going to do it. 26.2miles. That’s 42km (or thereabouts anyway). I’m not sure I could run the 0.2miles right now, but that’s besides the point. The point is that I need something to aim for, something big. One of the things a book I’m reading (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nonrunners-Marathon-Guide-Women-Training/dp/1580052053/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1341557317&sr=8-5) told me to do was to have a list of reasons along with the ‘lying-on-a-bench-dying’ counterarguments as well. So Here We Go.

Reason No. 1: I want to do this.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: No you don’t, it was a promise you made while out of your mind.

Reason No. 2: It will get me fitter and happier.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: You have to live to be fitter and happier.

Reason No. 3: It will be a massive achievement.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: So is living – which seems more likely right now.

Reason No. 4: I need a focus.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: Yes, but it doesn’t need to be this.

Reason No. 5:  I’m running a marathon for Parkinson’s Disease.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: Nana’s already gone, she won’t come back.

Reason No. 6: Yes but Mam’s still alive and so I am and it’s hereditary.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: So we’re back to self-preservation?

Reason No. 7: Self preservation is a good one.

Lying-On-A-Bench-Dying Argument: OK fine, but if they don’t come up with a cure, I’m complaining.

I reckon self preservation is a good one. Now going by all accounts it takes 4 months of preparation to run a marathon, but most of these people have a base fitness level to start with. I’m giving myself two months to work on base fitness and then I’m moving onto the proper marathon training. Given the wedding/honeymoon hiccup, that means that 1^st October 2012 I will be starting training for marathon. By that stage, I think I will be able to run for 50mins without stopping. 87days to get up to running for 50mins without stopping. That should be a good base since the plans I’ve been looking at all have 35mins running as the start point.

87days, then 112days….February 2013 I will be able to run 26.2miles. Wow. That’s really not that much of a timeline from couch to marathon runner.

So, today – set out the plans, dust off the old C25k, C210k and work out where and when I will be doing my running. Tomorrow – START!!!

Desperation hitting in

Yesterday ended up being pretty good. I went into Cambridge after work to see if Rigby & Peller had any fitting spaces – God bless them they did their absolute best to fit me in. turns out I’m not a 38/40DD I’m a 36/38F!!!! So I spent the guts of £200 on new bras and tonight all the old ones are being given away. (To be fair, most of them have outlived their useful life anyway!)

So today, I’m wearing what the lady called a full-cup bra and what I called a normal bra and it’s comfy as anything and it looks good. It actually gives me shape!! I went in in the first place to get a bra for the wedding and that’s sorted as well. And I got the matching knickers for the wedding bra as well.

So I’m on cloud 9 this morning.

Still got residual tiredness, but was able to wake up this morning so I think the 9:30pm bedtime us working well.

Food wise – I’m binging on chocolate. I don’t know why- unless it’s the effect of the tiredness on me, but I’m unsure. I think I need to write that out and find out what’s going on. And STOP BUYING CHOCOLATE!!! It’s ridiculous. I’m spending anything up to £20 a day on food right now and it’s mostly chocolate. I’m seriously debating lighter life to eliminate all food from my diet completely. Maybe going cold turkey will allow me to lose the weight.

Or I could do slimfast for a week or too and see how that pans out? Sort of like, LighterLife Lite or something……..

But it will still require me to stick to a plan and not deviate from it. That’s the part I have difficulty with. Maybe I could live off of Slimfast chocolate or something? Don’t eat for a few days? Anything? Maybe a juice diet for a few days?

What a lovely evening

OK I'll admit, yesterday, I was in a bad mood. I was miserable, I hadn't slept well, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I felt like going home, giving up and collapsing.

I didn't. I stayed up. I stayed awake. Al, God bless him! realised I wasn't up to much and made a huge effort. He had completely tidied up his studio and set up a mini massage studio in there. So he treated me to a full body massage and then ran a bath for me, and left me to soak.

From 7:30 - 9pm I was in bliss. Al had disappeared to the pub, so I watched some crap telly and went to bed. I slept like a log.

I feel great this morning. Well, not fantastic, but definitely an improvement on yesterday. I came into work early, I'm leaving early and I'm treating myself to some late-night shopping in Cambridge tonight. With parking at £1 an hour after 5 and shops open until 8pm, there's no reason not to! I may even manage my wedding underwear if I get around to the right places!

Dinner last night was salad, chicken and bread. Simple, but it was enough after the manic scoffing of chocolate that happened in work.

Now to make today a better day. Half a bottle of water already gone. I'm getting there, one day at at time, I'm getting there.........

Plus I remembered to take my drugs last night!!!

Depression waking up again

I need to take my drugs. I ‘forgot’ the last few nights. I don’t actually know if I actually forgot or took a decision not to take them. Either way, I’m worried. I need to remember them.

I’m tired. Rather, I’m lethargic. I CBA. I really can’t. I want to head home to bed and stay there until such time as I feel better. Is this how other people feel like all the time? Or am I just different? Do I need sleep? Water? Food? Rest? Exercise? More or less of any of them?

What makes people feel better? What helps to get people back on the happy train? What makes some people more prone to sadness than others? What’s going on with me?

I want to be motivated, want to be happy, want to be fit and healthy……it’s all piling on top again and I don’t know what to do!!!

Another weekend over

It’s been a long hard weekend.

I’m exhausted.

I want to be back in bed and frankly, my productivity at work is minimal today.

I lost 1.5lbs last week in Rosemary Conley. That started a binge that has only really finished this morning. And the only reason it finished this morning was that I didn’t have time to stop and get any food at all on the way to work. I’m still not graphically hungry, which says a lot!!! But I will get something to eat at lunch time. Soup and a sandwich or something like that.

OK the weekend. Well it started on Sat morning when we left for Salisbury at 8am. Got there just before midday and picked up my dress and Al’s wedding ring. I still need to lose some inches off my waist and hips to fit the dress properly, but the chest needs to be taken in so that’s a good thing. I’m planning a trip to Cambridge on Wednesday night to invest in some shape altering underwear for the occasion.

Since the priest was busy all afternoon we headed up to Cheltenham as planned to see the new arrival, who is the cutest thing ever!! I spent most of the afternoon cuddling with the baby and feeding him etc, etc, etc. Anna and I had a good chat about the upcoming wedding and how best to deal with the in-laws. I reckon she’s far too polite and her husband needs to stand up for her a bit more, but we’ll see how it goes. I know I wouldn’t put up with the way the in-laws treat her. It’s not nice and it’s not fair.

Saturday evening was a dash back to Salisbury to get the paperwork sorted with the priest – it all went smoothly and it’s all in order, so there’s no problems foreseen there. With a bit of luck the wheels of the Catholic Church will move at least no slower than usual and the papers will reach the parish priest at home in a suitable time!

Sunday we got up and had brekkie at the hotel, then went over to Mark & Anna’s. There was a bit of a kerfuffle about lunch – Al and I were leaving ~2 anyway, but the in-laws wanted to have dinner out rather than lunch out. It was all sorted in the end and we went to the harvester for lunch. The future MIL was a bit put out by the fact that Anna and I were drinking and her precious sons weren’t, but that’s life. I’m not losing sleep over that!

I slept pretty much the whole way back up in the car after that and then had another nap when we got in. It really takes it out of me travelling and dealing with the in-laws. I’m not sure how to manage it so I’m less exhausted after seeing them, but I need to come up with something. At least Al and I are safe for a while anyway, but there’s already being motions made about Christmas and things.

Still, leave those troubles for another day.

I didn’t weigh myself this morning – I was running late for work anyway, so adding that trauma into the mix isn’t going to help matters. I’ll weigh in the morning to see how bad the damage is. I’m sure I can rectify some of it before Wednesday evening.

I also need to drink water. A lot of water. I’m severely dehydrated and need to get that sorted. 0.5 Litre already this morning and another one on the go now. I will get my urine back to a normal colour soon!!!