Well yesterday, I hit a new low. Well not a new low, but a definite low. I wasn't able to think straight, think at all even. I was so lonely. So, so lonely. I suddenly realised I had noone to call to go for a coffee or a pint or anything. I felt abandoned and ended up in tears to Al, feeling completely worthless.
Today - I slept for 14 or 15hrs last night. I took my drugs. I have eaten pretty much nothing but rubbish today, but I feel good. I feel alive, I feel energised. I've done things like the washing up and folded clothes and I'm about to lay out tomorrow's clothes once Call the Midwife is over.
I feel like a real person today - yesterday i felt like a ghost. I know - people find it hard to understand, but it honestly felt like no one knew or cared that I was alive. I know that's not true - I have a fiance that loves me, a family thsat loves me, friends that love/care for me.....there's lots of people out there that would notice if I was gone, but it sometimes feels like they are so far away they might not notice for a while.......
It felt hopless, like it just wasn't worth going on.
But today, things are better. The sun was shining outside yesterday, but today it was shining inside. Today, my heart felt lighter and my head easier. Life became bearable again today. That's sounds awful doesn't it? But depression isn't actually wanting to die, it's more about not seeing the point of living. and I have things to live for. I have a lot of things to live for.
So live I am going to do. I've done two things today - I've signed up for a 'complete beginners' running group starting Feb 27th and agreed to go to a comedy show with another bunch of complete strangers in a few weeks time. I will make a social life for myself. There's no other option really. I've got a work life. I've got a love life, albeit a long distance one. social life is all that's left.
It's not even starting tomorrow - it started this morning. And they say fluoxetine isn't a miracle!!
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