A bit of a catch-up

I thought I hadn't posted in a few days and I've a few spare mins in work so here goes. I had the first 'proper' session with the running club last night. I really enjoyed it – running with a group made the time go extremely quickly and having someone else think about pace and times made it a lot easier. OK so I was the slowest there, but that doesn't matter, we're all starting and my fitness will build up as I get better. It also gave me enough cals to have a ready meal last night as well, so slightly not on plan, but within cals and I don't feel bloated or anything today. It probably won't kill me.

 

I didn't sleep very well last night though – mainly cos I was running in my sleep in the bed and kept waking myself up. I had to chuckle at myself for that – for all those years I vehemently acted against running as a means of exercise and enjoyment and now I'm running in my sleep? I forced myself out of bed at 6:30 this morning though and went back for 10mins at 7am. That seemed to work, as does not worrying about waking in the middle of the night. I think I might start using that time for prayer, as is one suggestion from the Middle Ages. Let's face it, prayer won't hurt and it might help!

 

Work is flying by this week as well, thank God. It's almost the end of Tuesday already. When I get home tonight, it's cooking food for the next few days, cleaning the bathroom and making a start on the living room. I will probably put on a load of washing as well. I managed to do my assignment last night in the nick of time – thankfully it was only a computer multiple choice thing cos otherwise I'd've failed miserably. All's well that ends well. I'm more worried about the one I handed in last week – that was not my best work really!

 

I've had an email from one of the recruiters back home for a job, the company wants me to fill in a separate information/application form so fingers crossed something will come of that. I must find out some more information on the place though. Right back to the ratrace it is then. Caffeine withdrawal is going well, choccy and alcohol were no problem really. No cravings or anything, so hopefully, the next 5 weeks will go quickly now!

It's been a busy few weeks

Well first off I was home for a week, sorting things out for the wedding. It was seriously hectic for a week involving sorting out the suits for the men in the wedding, dinner with trish and ian, a night out with Abs and Alf, a severely ill me that night and a loving fiance looking after me, traipse back up home trying to pretend we weren't hungover, interview preparation, then on Friday, traumatic visit with the registrar to sort out the legal side of the marriage, (al forgot his passport and didn't have his long form birth cert depite being told numerous times!) on into Dublin for the interview, the interview, home, dissecting the interview with parents which is completely out of the norm for me, then back to england on Saturday.

the last week in work has been a bit manic as well, with disciplinaries and all sorts going on, but considering I'm actively looking for other work now, I can live with most of it. In other news - I did two things last week I'm proud of. I went to a running club - not to partake but to meet them so I would be less nervous tomorrow turning up. It's a 20min walk away from the house so a nice time and it will be new people to meet and they start a five week beginners course tomorrow. For £2 a week, that's not bad.

The other thing is I went to a comedy club with a bunch of strangers on Friday night. I saw this online thing called meetup that's well worth checking out if you're new in an area. The comedy was good enough - not fantastic and one guy in particular was a bit crap but the other two were worth paying for. Plus I spoke to two strangers and I am now thinking of signing up for one of their New Forest bike rides. And I've jsut bought a deal on Groupon for Ceroc which is a once a week thing but I will be meeting people as well. That's a dance thing so it should be good exercise as well as meeting new people. I'm doing well.

And then this weekend, I read an article recommended to me on here saying that waking for a few hours in the middle of the night isn't the end of the world and I should just relax and use it as meditation time.So for the last two nifghts, I've not taken a sleeping tablet and just let myself come awake and then go back to sleep when I'm ready, It's working, but it means I'm only waking at 7am instead of 6am......small price to pay maybe to be off the pills?

Plus I've scrubbed the kitchen this morning - I mean deep cleaned it. My kitchen is Mammy clean right now. I'm so proud. Just having a cup of peppermint tea for a sit down and then I'm tackling the bathroom. Since I've been away for a week, my housework has fallen by the wayside so the flat needs a really good clean out now and since it's a lovely sunny day, the windows are wide open letting the fresh air in and I'm just going to keep going with it.

Since we're now in the Lenten season, I've given up alcohol, chocolate and coffee (with the usual get-out clause for St Patrick's Day) and I've committed to going to Mass twice a week. So I have to go tonight now. The aim is to get the bathroom done, then load up the car with rubbish to take to the tip, do the living room and bedroom, do some study, have a bath and chill............

Like I said - busy few weeks..........

And, I've lost most of the weight I put on in January thanks to Amanda Hamilton - check it out, it's a really good website!!

Bad Saturday, good Sunday

Well yesterday, I hit a new low. Well not a new low, but a definite low. I wasn't able to think straight, think at all even. I was so lonely. So, so lonely. I suddenly realised I had noone to call to go for a coffee or a pint or anything. I felt abandoned and ended up in tears to Al, feeling completely worthless.

Today - I slept for 14 or 15hrs last night.  I took my drugs. I have eaten pretty much nothing but rubbish today, but I feel good. I feel alive, I feel energised. I've done things like the washing up and folded clothes and I'm about to lay out tomorrow's clothes once Call the Midwife is over.

I feel like a real person today - yesterday i felt like a ghost. I know - people find it hard to understand, but it honestly felt like no one knew or cared that I was alive. I know that's not true - I have a fiance that loves me, a family thsat loves me, friends that love/care for me.....there's lots of people out there that would notice if I was gone, but it sometimes feels like they are so far away they might not notice for a while.......

It felt hopless, like it just wasn't worth going on.

But today, things are better. The sun was shining outside yesterday, but today it was shining inside. Today, my heart felt lighter and my head easier. Life became bearable again today. That's sounds awful doesn't it? But depression isn't actually wanting to die, it's more about not seeing the point of living. and I have things to live for. I have a lot of things to live for.

So live I am going to do. I've done two things today - I've signed up for a 'complete beginners' running group starting Feb 27th and agreed to go to a comedy show with another bunch of complete strangers in a few weeks time. I will make a social life for myself. There's no other option really. I've got a work life. I've got a love life, albeit a long distance one. social life is all that's left.

It's not even starting tomorrow - it started this morning. And they say fluoxetine isn't a miracle!!

Thursday....

It's not been too bad tonight. I stayed late at work tonight to make up some time I want to take off on Tuesday. I actually got loads of stuff done tonight that I've been putting off for ages.

then I came home and cooked dinner, washed up, put on a load of laundry, hung it out, put the bins out.....

it's been all go for the last few hours. So now I'm settling down in front of the telly to watch some comedy.

My clothes are laid out for the morning as well. All will be well. It will all be fine. I feel exhausted - really knackered - but it's the good kind not the bad kind..........

I hate work

I've spent the last few days staring at an excel spreadsheet that just won't work. At all. In the end, the problem wasn't me, it was a stupid bloody automatic update from windows that caused the problem. Not me, not the spreadsheet, a bloody automatic update.

I was not pleased.

So tonight, I'm taking things one step at a time. I binged today in work - one of the lads had a birthday, so there were pizzas and chocolate and pasties and pork pies and I had some of them all. On the plus side, I really didn't need dinner tonight - I'm still not hungry and am feeling fairly uncomfortably full still - 8hrs later! One step at a time. I did the washing up. I put together my wardrobe.

So now, I'm going to watch How I Met Your Mother and then I'm going to empty the rack I'm using as a makeshift wardrobe right now and put my clothes in the new one. Plus there's shelves, so I hope I can get rid of the pile of clothes on the floor as well. I think I need to get rid of more clothes cos there's loads still there, but I'm fed up of decluttering so just getting them all off the floor will be enough for now.

And then I'm going to have a shower. My personal hygiene is really suffering at the minute and it's not fair on those around me. The fact is, I just can't be bothered with washing, same as I can't be bothered with eating, or doing the washing up, or keeping the house tidy, or making sure i have clean clothes or any of the normal niceties of life. I just want to hide away in my cave and not have to deal with people.

I'm having the cutting-out-my-stomach-fat fantasties again. Doc says it's nothing to worry about and it shows I am prepared to lose weight, but frankly, I'm not losing weight and my actions are telling me I don't want to either. So what's going on? I don't know, and really, I'm not sure I want to. I just wish my problems were easily solved. I know they're not huge problems, and I know I can solve them, I jsut want to be happy and content and I'm not. And I'm fed up with being told I'm ok - I'm NOT ok. If I were ok, I wouldn't be thinking about cutting open my stomach!!!

So tonight, I'm putting my clothes in a proper wardrobe if a very cheap one and then, I'm going to have a bath and then a shower. And then I'm going to bed. That's final :)

Quote of the week:

'There's a sock for every old slipper' - said by a nun in 'Call the Midwife' in response to a nurse's happy return from a date. Very funny!

OK so I've chosen my dress - and everyone seems happy with it, including me surprisingly enough. The poor shop assistant was a bit traumatised by a bride-to-be with no interest really in the dress.......very funny all round.

Plus we've decided on what I'm doing with the hen do. And I've decided on a veil plus tiara type thing. Plus Debenhams has a great range of brides shoes at the minute as well. So it's all coming together.

It was a great weekend all round. My bridesmaid and I had a great time - we spent about 3 hours over one glass on wine yesterday cos we were gossiping so much. It was brilliant. I feel energised and totally awake and alive today - and that's after a 3:30 bedtime on Sat morning..........due to more gossiping.....just like when we were in college and putting the world to right's over a mug of hot chocolate. It was brilliant. I felt wonderful. Still do.

I've got this big grin on my face all day today and I miss weekends like this, spending time with friends, just gossiping, passing the time, that sort of thing. I can't wait for a time when it's real again and I start living. Right now I'm existing rather than living - I hate it when Ma is right - but she is and I am. I need life, not existence.

So, I'm working towards it.

Oh and the aim now is to lose half a stone between now and ordering the dress. 2lbs a week. No worries, right?

well that didn't go precisely to plan.......

Stats are below. I'm on track for a weight loss but not the full 1kg. On the plus side, I am listing myself a moderately sedentary so I'm not giving myself falsely high cals so a bit of overspend isn't the end of the world.

On the other hand, after a huge lunch (which pretty much is the cause of the overspend) I haven't eaten so there's a chance my body will cut me some slack and use the fat as a fuel source for the next 12-15 hours.

Onwards and downwards. Positive steps I took today:

- I applied for another job
- I did the online assessments for the job in Dublin
- I moved the furniture in the living room
- I hoovered
- I made the guest room pleasant for my visitor.
- I had a nap in the afternoon to allow myself to stay awake til she gets here.

So not a completely lost day. Some high points really. calories are not the be all and end all, they are merely a tool. I must remember that.

Daily Calories	1279
+ Exercise Calories	130
Total Calories	1409
Calories Used	1986
Calories Left	-577
Maintenance Calories	2279

Todays cals

I think I'm going to start posting my cals every day. This is today - it's been pretty bad.  But 500cals over means I'm on track for 0.5kg weight loss today so it's not the end of the world.

Your Calories
Daily Calories 1279 + Exercise Calories 0 Total Calories 1279 Calories Used 1774 Calories Left -495 Maintenance Calories 2279

So, Tomorrow's aim is to get within the 1279cals. One day at a time, that's how I'll do this, one day at a time.

I've also managed to get a load of washing on, I've changed the clothes on my bed, I've cleared out the spare room for my guest tomorrow. It's been a good day really.

before bed, I need to have a shower and do the washing up. Both achieveable, plus get breakfast ready for the morning. I think I'll do that now actually and that way I have no excuse :)

I feel calm, good, generally at peace tonight. Things are good.

Today was a good day. A very good day.

Nothing in particular but I slept last night and I felt good and i made it into work when I planned to.....all in all a good day.

OK so I baked tonight and it didn't turn out right, but it wasn't for an occasion and it's not like it was absolutely vital. Not the end of the world.

And I helped a friend tonight so I feel good about myself.

It's weird - this time last night i was feeling really down in the dumps and miserable and stuff, whereas now, I feel good. OK so there's some work to do on friday afternoon before my friend arrives for the weekend, but that's ok.

Plus I have the links to go on to the next stage of interview for one of the Irish jobs which need to be done by Friday, so that's tomorrow's job. I may go in early to work to do them, or I may get up early and do them at home. Either way they'll get done tomorrow.

Plus I got my hypnotherapy things sorted today. Time to get started on that as well. It's all part of improving myself. I can do this. I can make myself better. I will heal myself.