review of 2011

it's a good day for reflection today. It's the last day of the year, time to look back and see what worked and what didn't. It's not been the easiest of years. I am more in debt than I was this time last year, I am back on the anti-depressants, I'm back to waking at 3am or earlier and counting down the minutes until I can reasonably get up, I'm worried about a lot of things..........

But there are good things too. I have an engagement ring. al and I have spoken about finances and some other aspects of marriage that were bugging me. I have tackled the major issues with my food relationship and I'm dealing with them - not brilliantly, but I am dealing with them.

I have plans for 2012, but they will wait for tomorrow. For today, I want to look what I have learned from 2011.

1) My feet don't owe me anything, but when they don't work, I suffer both mentally and physically. I've been having serious problems with my feet since June and it's not really getting any better. This means that a lot of the coping strategies I'd put in place for things aren't there any more so I need to find others. I've tried some, with varying degrees of success, but I need to have a look at more.

2) My eating says a lot about my mental state. it's been out of control and it's really hard for me to admit that. It's not even eating the wrong stuff, it's eating things I know I don't really want, but can't be bothered with alternatives. I know what I need to do - draw a line in the sand - and tonight is that line.

3) My personal hygiene is suffering big time with the depression this time. I'm going days without showering and currently my hair resembles a grease factory. This isn't me, but it is the depression. Another line to be drawn in the sand tomorrow. A daily shower might not be a major issue for most people, but for me at this time it really is. Who knew washing was such a big signal!!!

4) When I feel out of control in one area, I deliberately let go control in others. This isn't the best of ideas and I know I'm doing it most of the time, but when I do, I just don't care. I couldn't care less that I'm leaving myself without money for a month when I splash out on big purchases. I couldn't care less that I'm doing myself harm when I stuff my face with something or other. I just don't care. It's like the teenager inside me is saying, 'Screw you' to the world and rebelling against.....well.....me......

It's hard to admit that I'm rebelling against myself, but I have plans.

So overall 2011, not the best year. Nothing catastrophic and maybe I'm a Moaning Minnie for worrying about stuff like this when there were earthquakes, tsunami, nuclear problems, famine, drought, economical collapse, riots and all the rest - but this is my blog not a world blog :)

2012 will be better!!!!

Great weekend but now I'm tired......

OK there was lots of positivity over the weekend but most of it was very tiring. I had a great time with my darlin fiance - we went out with his work colleagues cos they're now closed for Christmas and I felt great in my lace top and red vest.

I got up on Sat and did some shopping, met a friend for lunch, received a bottle of champagne(!!!!!) on account of being 'properly' engaged now, had a great chat with said friend and came home to watch telly with Al all night. Got up Sunday, tidied the kitchen for Al, did some last minute shopping then went to a friend's for dinner where we had some gorgeous beef, broccoli and tartiflette. I've never had it before but check this  out and you'll see why it tastes soooo good.......I may have to experiment with this.

In other good news - I have my Christmas shopping done - and then some. I have tomorrow free to do my wrapping. I have a friend coming over on Wednesday that I haven't seen in 18months cos she's currently living in Malaysia......well until October anyway. Then she'll be off somewhere else. So tomorrow night is packing, wrapping and preparing the house for the week I'll be away.

Right now, I want to get some water cos I have a headache and it's pretty much time for bed. But it was a good weekend. A really good weekend.

Somehow I've managed to lend out my flat this weekend

So I'm a bit terrified now. I'm going to start right now by bagging up the rubbish and then I'm going to move on to hide all inappropriate material from view. As in -chucking it all in a suitcase and throwing it under the bed. That's the quickest way.

I then need to do the washing up for the last week, hoover, change the bed (thankfully the spare bed has clean sheets on it) put away the clean laundry and do a load tonight so there's a hope of having clothes dry for Friday morning when I'll have to put them away, order dinner cos I'm not cooking tonight, clean the bathroom, have a shower and go to bed.

On the plus side, I will be knackered tonight going to bed so that means a good nights sleep. On the down side, it's a lot of work. Still and all, it could be worse and it's nice to help people out. Plus it means I will actually come home to a nice tidy flat on Sunday :)

OK so positivity.

1. I got into work early today
2. I got my car back!!!!
3. I'm pretty much caught up in uni work now.
4. I got some nice comments on my work.
5. I brought in some biccies for the lads today and they enjoyed them.
6. I felt good offering my flat to the girls in work.
7. I remembered to get a key cut tonight so they can have a key tomorrow.
8. I don't actually have too much hard work ahead of me and it's all doable tonight which leaves tomorrow night to chill out a bit.
9. I managed to sort out a problem in work.
10. Phew made it to ten!!!

So, big black bin bag about to be brought out and everything bagged up and sorted. And oh, I think  my throat is coming down with something - it's really sore. paracetemol here I come!!!

Two days in.......

Positivity first.

1. I woke up on time.

2. I got out of bed.

3. I finally checked my bank account.

4. It wasn't as bad as I feared.

5. My car is ready to be picked up.

6. The sun is shining.

7. I'm wearing my purple cardigan today which makes me smile.

8. I didn't order dominos last night.

9. My Christmas shopping is pretty much done.

10. I've made it to ten.

 

On to the rest of me then. I'm finding it difficult to get into the positivity way of thinking right now. I have several things I need to get my head around, a major one is that a simple thing like getting out of bed on time or making sure I have breakfast actually can make a large difference to my day. It's not so much that these things make or break the day it's that starting the day on the right foot makes a difference in all sorts of way. So getting out of bed, having clothes ready for myself, getting breakfast ready the night before – all help make the morning go a bit smoother and a bit easier, leading to lower stress levels later on in the day. Of course the next thing I need to do is to organise my food a bit better.

The porridge isn't working as well as it used to. At least, I'm left hungry at 9am and then don't want to eat at lunch time. I'm having 70g of porridge every morning and I'm still hungry a few hours later. That's not good. Not good at all. I need to get some protein in the mornings I think. Perhaps sausages? It really doesn't appeal, not at all, but neither do eggs or any of the other things people generally have at breakfast. I think I need to research 'breakfasts around the world' or something to get into the place where breakfast becomes more than a stopgap again. There's a good way to spend an afternoon in work............

 

I need to get to the chemist to get some more pills as well – I'm pretty much out and want to restock in plenty of time before Christmas. I will do that today maybe, after I pick up my car. Simple thing to do. I need to sort out what I'm doing at Christmas as well – get things sorted for Al and things. All well and good I suppose.

 

OK back to work. I feel really sleepy, but coffee isn't working – possibly fresh air might??

Exhaustion

Yesterday was a complete write-off. A late night, well an early night really, but a fairly drunken one on Saturday meant yesterday added up to pretty much nothing aside from a pizza in bed at about 2pm and a very very early night.

Today - I'm knackered. The car is still in the garage so I'm getting a lift from one of the lads in work - but he starts work half hour earlier than me and finishes half hour later than me so it adds up to an hour extra in work a day. And that is exhausting. On the plus side, I managed to almost caught up on my OU work and with a bit of effort I will be properly caught up by the end of the week.

I've logged my food today - although i'm still hungry, even though I'm 400cals over what I should be. I feel good about the food though. Plus if I get on the rebounder for a bit now, I will get warm, might wake up a bit and generally feel better about myself. Since I'm already wearing my sports bra there's no real obstacle, plus there's Mike and Molly on the telly so I will be entertained.

So - water, then rebounder, then probably, sadly, bed. I have a lot going for me right now, I'm in a good place. So I really am happy - I jsut have to convince myself of that.

Positivity
1. I got up on time
2. I had a shower before work.
3. I was on time for my lift.
4. I brought some lunch with me.
5. I logged all my food today.
6. I changed my loss weight to tie in with the docs recommendations.
7. I got the KPIs done in work.
8. I coped with the day even though things were tough and there were no electricians in.
9. I made polite conversation to and from work today.
10. I made it to ten!!! That was tough!!

Two posts in one day...

.....maybe I'm ill :) Well ok, I'm not ill, I'm just sat on the couch waiting for Al to wake up so we can go get something to eat. I'm STARVING. Still, we might go somewhere nice :)

So what am I blathering on about? Nothing really, just all these thoughts in my head and I need to spill them out somewhere. Aren't ye lucky to have chanced across this page? I have an idea for a story and I want to write it out but I think it might do for an assignment that's due over Christmas. I'm just not sure if the genre is course-friendly. Do tutors like vampires? Who knows. I mean this tutor liked my first efforts enough to award an 85 but that was pretty straight forward, autobiographical type stuff. That was easy. This is pure fantasy - in all senses of the world. But it is a tale itching to be told.

I think I'll write it then worry about the assignment afterwards. I can always bring up another story for an assignment. There's always time for another story right? Can vampires be mainstream? I mean Anne Rice, Laurrell K Hamilton, and all those others don't really have a narrow reading audience, do they? Bram Stoker is recognised as one of the great classics. So vampires can be classic as well as modern. Or would it be better to hint at the vampirism and not let it get in the way of a good story? Is a story still as good without the twist a vampire could add?

Bloody brain - life would be so much simpler if I didn't overthink things!!!

Right, I'm off to write this thing and worry bout everything else later!

Another early morning

I think it's cos Al takes over most of the bed when he comes to bed late.......like right now, he's lying diagonally across the bed and I can't move him at all......So I'm up watching catch up tv (Thank you Virgin!)

And I'm thinking. So I had a chat with my adoptive mother last night who is worried and who gave me ideas for sorting my head out. I need to start back on my positivity again. So I'm starting again this morning.

1. I went to bed and slept for 8hours.
2. I had dinner last night even though Al didn't.
3. I had a health dinner last night.
4. I managed to get the laundry done.
5. I put the bins out.
6. I cleared off the couch so Al had somewhere to sit.
7. Despite being terrified, I dealt with the wasp.
8. I didn't get stressed just cos Al was tired.
9. I rang the garage and made sure my car was ok.
10. I aired out the bedroom and the kitchen yesterday.

So all in all a good day really, no reason for me to be down. Plus now I'm going to put on the sports bra and go on the rebounder while catching up on Him and Her - which is actually scarily true to life and very funny.

Today is going to be another good day. I've decided.

I'm cowering in the corridor

There's a wasp in my living room. A giant wasp. Well a bloody big one anyway. It's DECEMBER!!!! Shouldn't I be safe from wasps in December???? So Al will hopefully be here before my laptop battery runs out. Thankfully there's a glass door between the living room and corridor so I can still watch telly, but with that giant thing flying around, I'm not risking going back in there without backup.

The down side to this is I'm realising how much dust there is in here. I will have to clean tomorrow.

Today was my day off from work so naturally I spent most of it sleeping. I don't think I even managed to take my meds today - something I will do now. I woke up (finally) at 4:20pm. I honestly think it's boredom as much as anything else - i don't like not having people around, for all I claim to like my own company. Plus I didn't bothering showering til I knew Al was on his way, even though I absolutely stank. It's scary how much I'm not caring about things like that right now - all signs of depression of course, but I worry bout things like that. Still al's here now so I'll ruminate more later!!!

And I'm back. Al's in a grumpy mood cos he's tired so he's gone to get some wine and some fresh air and probably a fag as well. The wasp has disappeared - of course it has once I have someone to deal with the horrible thing.

OK the depression. My house isn't as bad as it has been and I have at least caught up on laundry and there's only 3days of washing up to do. That's ok and dealable with in a few mins in the morning. I need to sort out the study table again but again that's ok. I'll do some writing tonight trying to either get something out of my system or else something useful for my next assignment. Either way, it will be something. As for the depression? I've got my super-sports bra on so I can do some reboundering later and I've taken my meds. Both very good things. This will also make me clear off the rebounder and warm me up. I'm trying not to turn on the heat in the hopes of sending the wasp back to hibernation. Fingers crossed :)

Half way through the week

OK so it's tuesday night already. And it's 10 days til payday. I have no cash left and I'm depending purely on the credit card for the next ten days. On the plus side, I have plenty of food left.

Anyway, on the good side of things.....I managed a few good activities for my OU work in work today. I managed not to strangle someone in work. I cooked myself dinner tonight. I did the washing up tonight. I did 20mins rebounder last night and I am going to do the same tonight. I feel tired tonight but I will read the next chapter of the Challenging Obesity book.

Weight wise, things aren't going very well - I'm not filling in my food diary and I'm not really paying attention to my diet other than trying to make sure I'm full........and using chocolate as a coping mechanism.

My eyes feel tired tonight but I need to stay awake until after half 9 cos one of the lads may or may not be ringing me from night shift. It's great being a manager sometimes.

I know, nothing much to report, but little things like having a shower last night and doing the washing up tonight......it all adds up - all the little things make up the big things. So the plan is to finish watching the Big Bang Theory and then do my 20mins on the rebounder and then do some reading for the OU work and then do tonight's washing up and then go to bed.

My mouth feels kinda tingly after dinner - I wonder should I be worried??

Pizza for breakfast

Not even last night's cold leftovers either - i got up this morning and cooked myself breakfast in the form of goats cheese and vegetable pizza. Then I went back to bed.

On the plus side, I ate breakfast which is good. Then I went back to bed. So far this weekend I think I've slept about 30hrs. More if we count the nap on Friday afternoon. This isn't normal. It's not remotely normal. So it's time to bring it to the attention of the doctor. I've got an appointment made for Thursday morning so I'm writing out a list of the tihngs that are bothering me this afternoon.

Of course, along with that I need to catch up on my OU work. I'm about two weeks behind since the latest bout of ennui/lethargy. Also for the last week I've been spending too much money and eating too much food. There's nothing else I can see to do though. In my head that is - there's just not much working.

I think step one I've already taken - the laundry is done. Well it's all gone through the washing machine anyway. Next step is a shower/general wash/teethbrushing exercise sort of thing.

After that? Who knows. I might even leave the house. A walk might do me some good - load some music up on the discman and off I go............

Otherwise, it'll be another afternoon sat in front of the telly, completely bored but unable to move........