There are days when it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. Today is one of them. Every step forward I take with my team, I feel I’m taking three backwards today. It seems incomprehensible to them to have to develop a system to doing things – they’re used to being spoon fed. I’m not used to spoon feeding people, which leads us to a problem. I’m used to a standard of person who will take a routine, go out, try it out, come back and report the problems. Not one who will take the routine, go out, follow it unthinkingly and leave it at that. I’m used to someone who will use their brains, who will try and figure things out themselves.
Right now? I’m feeling angry, frustrated, pissed off and generally on-edge. Not happy. I can feel my eyes getting hot and bothered, with the prickling that can precede tears. I can feel my hands shaking and my posture is tense and rigid. Pushing my shoulders back and taking some deep breaths to force physical calm is not working and my back is aching with tension. I can feel a headache starting as well.
What I want to do is to take a few days off work and chill out a bit, but this isn’t possible. Also, speaking to my boss about this problem isn’t wise either at the minute.
So positive action. I can keep on going with my plans for today. I can wait til tomorrow to talk to the project leader up there and see what the hell is going on. I can search the files to find whatever information I can about this one particular problem.
But none of that will solved the problems I have with this team, so longer term I need to do something else. I need to get them to wake up and smell the coffee. This isn’t going to be the comfortable place it used to be from now on – it’s new and it’s scary and it’s out of their comfort zone. But I need to push them there. Or else I need to look for another job.
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