narcissistic mothers

I'm home for the first visit since the future parents in law met mine.

My mother wasn't here when I got home - she was playing golf, which was a relief cos I got to spend time with my dad in comfort.

Her first words to me were 'how's the exercise going cos it doesn't look as if it's working'.

I said back in february I wasn't going to discuss my weight, size, exercise or whatever with her anymore, so I think this was a ply to get me talking about it. I merely said I was happy with what I was doing and I wasn't going to discuss it with her. She waited until Dad was out of eashot before talking to me like this though. She's pretending worry about my condition - I'm fat, not sick - and all the rest trying to make me feel bad. And she succeeded. But I think I succcessfully managed to hide that fact from her last night and I'm now hiding in my bedroom this morning cos I know as soon as I leave my bedroom she'll magically wake up cos I was making noise and want a 'quiet chat' in an attempt to speak about this whole mess again.

Don't get me wrong - even with the success of my challenge to myself in may, I'm still just a tad under 19stone - overweight by any measure for someone who's 5'5 and not built of muscle. I get that and I'm working towards sorting it out. And I am happy with the steps I'm making.

But I was told to check out this site today and it's like a curtain has been lifted from my eyes. I can see my mother in the majority of what's be written about here. I can also hear her voice in my head 'expaining' why she did all the things she did, and still does, do. I can hear her reasons, her 'love' for me, her 'concern' for me, her guilt trips everything  - they were all her sacrifices for me.........

Amazing isn't it - how could I possibly be so cruel and horrible as to water down her efforts on my behalf? Well what if it wasn't all about her? What if my life, my doings and happenings, my achievements.....what if all that could possibly be about me? what if all her crap wasn't about me, but was about her?  This is the woman who in one breath can berate me for losing so much weight I become a size 14 ( a HUGE success in my opinion!!) while bemoaning the fact that she had to try on a size 12 trousers cos 'the size 10 was very small-sized', and wailing about the fact that she had gained 2lbs since last year at this time.

I am obviously a horrible daughter to force her to suffer like this - imagine the shame of walking down the street with someone as fat and ugly as I am.........

It's a relief to know it's not all in my head, that there are other people out there who have lived through this.

it's a relief to know that the dregs of my sanity are still intact!