I had eaten my dinner last night and was sitting on the
couch when I realised I wanted something else to eat. This wasn’t a hunger
signal, it was a mouth signal, but I thought I might have something to satisfy
it in the press somewhere.
I didn’t.
I ended up making myself a huge plate of nachos and shoving
them all down my throat. After the first taste, I knew I didn’t want them, but
I forced myself to eat them. Why? I think I was punishing myself for even thinking of eating after dinner was
over. I caught a stray thought in my head that it ‘served me right’ having to
eat the nachos. No reason was given - it was just a stray thought that came
into my head.
That was interesting, in a weird way. One that I had had the
thought and two, that I had noticed it. I decided to do some research today on ‘food
as punishment’. It’s a fairly well explored area of eating actually. All sorts
of people look into it. Do a google search and you’ll find out. For a personal
exploration though, things get a little more difficult.
I have no idea what I was punishing myself for. I suspect it
has to do with being ill, not going to the gym and generally not living up to
some insane standards I’ve set myself. That’s only a suspicion though, since my
subconscious isn’t cooperating this morning. So, the practical side of me is
looking at ways to sort this out.
I did the right thing according to most experts. I
acknowledged the thought and let it go – at the time. I’ve come back and tried
to examine the reasons behind the thought. They are multiple once I start
examining myself. Reasons I deserve to be punished right now include:
- - I didn’t go to Mass at the weekend
-
- I ate a LOT of chocolate over the weekend
-
- I slept away most of the weekend
-
- I’m a fraud at work and amn’t capable of what
they need me to do
-
- Work is piling up already cos I CBA to do it
-
- My bedroom is a complete mess
-
- It’s been over a week since I even did the
washing up
-
- My house needs a good clean
-
-
Now I can tackle all of those. There are reasons and
explanations for all of them. For most of the domestic ones, the reason is
simple. I’ve been sick. I still am sick. I’ve got a burst ear drum
brought on by a suspected ear infection. It’s perfectly acceptable under those
circumstances to let things slide a bit.
On the work front – yes the work is piling up. I’m aware of
this. The fact is, I’m sick. I’m not
concentrating as well as usual, I’m aware of it and I know once I feel
better, I will be back on top of things. Nothing has slid so far it can’t be
regained yet.
Being sick isn’t an excuse for everything by the way. I’m
still keeping myself clean and presentable, I’m turning up for work, I’m
getting through the things I need to get through. I’m just letting the
non-essentials slide. And for now, things like a spotless home and a gleaming kitchen
are non-essentials. Convincing my subconscious of this is a problem, but I just
have to keep going with the mantra, ‘I am
good enough.’
I am. I know I am. I have nothing which is deserving of
punishment in any normal person’s eyes. If this were a friend who were talking
to me, I would tell her to stop being so ridiculous and to cut herself some
slack while she was recovering. So why can’t I be as kind to myself as I would
be to a friend?
I need to work on that. I was in bed last night with a
temperature so bad I had to swop beds at 2am cos the sheets were drenched and
yet I came into work today. That’s not the sign of someone who is slacking off.
I have to realise I am being hard on myself and I need to chill out a bit. I’m
obviously doing something right to lose the weight I have (2kg last week, and
that includes the weekend where my brain is telling me I ate nothing but
chocolate!!) I need to be thinking in terms of rewards and not punishments.
Maybe my next post will be on what I’ve decided to allow
myself as a reward for realising this and for keeping going even with the temp
and infection and all the rest of it!
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