There is an interesting discussion today on a forum I post on fairly regularly. Someone posting asking who was in the wrong in a situation where a boy and girl are out drinking – ok to be politically correct, a man and woman are out drinking. Both have had a bit to drink and the female is flirting outrageously with the male. The male takes her up on the offer and tries to get her to go home with him. Both friends are now upset, the female in particular feeling that she can no longer trust this man.
I've got to admit, I feel a bit of sympathy for the poor man in this scenario. He didn't take her home, although from the reports, he could easily have done. He could have pushed things a lot further and still be in the right side of the law. From what I understand, there was no kissing, never mind anything else. But someone on the forum has said that this is only one step away from rape.
Now to my mind, this is completely not rape. I've been raped and I've been in the situation above as well. The two are very different. It is only rape if the woman says no and is ignored, or is not in a state to say no. I would say if she'd been flirting with him all night, then it might be reasonable for him to suspect she might be interested in something other than hand holding. Nothing bad actually happened to her. Both parties had drink taken and judgements were impaired. That's life. If you want to avoid these situations, then don't drink so much you no longer have control over your actions.
I spent a long time drunk. My later teen years at the weekends and in the holidays the aim was to get as drunk as possible on as little money as possible. My college years have long since disappeared in a haze of alcohol induced fog. I have woken up countless times in a strange bed with a stranger beside me. I've woken up in my own bed countless times with no memory of how I got there and no idea how much time has passed. I've had friends who have been there to pick up the pieces after a major binge and I've had friends who have tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to stop me from doing stupid things when I'm drunk. I drank to forget the banality of life mainly and I've often been in the situation where someone has tried something on that I've not been into. Sometimes I've gone along cos I couldn't be bothered saying no, other times I've not gone along. I don't consider either case rape.
These days, I don't tend to drink so much and even when I do, I hold my drink better and I act with slightly, very slightly, more decorum. And of course these days, when I do get rat-arsed, my fiancé is nearly always on hand to look after me. I'm lucky.
But of all those lads I woke up next to? Well for all I know, I raped them and not the other way around. My memories are that sparse that the only comment I can make is that I caught no diseases, I didn't get pregnant, and any injuries or hurts I received, I took as my due for my behaviour. Maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong. But that's the way my brain works. And the best thing I ever did was finding the self-confidence to know that regardless of what's going on, I don't need that drink to socialise and that saying NO isn't being a prick tease.
Young women drink, and drink to excess. We as a society have to either deal with this or brush it under the carpet. But don't blame the young men who are also drinking for sexual acts when there is no way either party was particularly in control.
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