Crying at work

Crying at work is not advisable, particularly not when you work with engineers and they're not used to dealing with women in work. But that's the position I find myself in today. It's shit. It's worse than shit in fact because I'm crying because of an old fashioned, useless, pathetic excuse for an engineer, who doesn't know one end of a plan from the other. Right now even my boss has noticed, which is saying something, and I'm sat at my desk desperately trying to stop. Unfortunately, it isn't likely to happen soon.

So what do I do? I really want to go home and claim this day never happened but I can't afford the holidays for that. I'm not sick, I'm just really really upset.

 

So, in the mean time, deep breaths, lots of water and away we go.

 

I'll think about how to handle this guy later, I'm not in the right state of mind right now to do so. Ordinarily I'd just go to my boss, but in this case, that's not the best plan since they're of the same generation. So I need to show them my way is better- it's been proven to be better all over the world – but it's not the way this man understands and so therefore it's not valid.

 

Deep breaths, lots of water and plenty of trips to the bathroom.

Another day, another dollar

Life's been a bit hectic over the last month. Right so - let's see what I'm about at the minute.

I went into a bit of a tailspin during June. Eating and exercise went out the window, to the extent that I had to pull out of my duathlon due to bad, bad cramp (check out what I could have been doing on June 18th here). I'm extremely disappointed in myself and ended up in tears on the physio bench. Which reminds me that I need to figure out a way to thank those lovely people for spending about an hour trying to get me into walking shape, never mind race shape.

Financial management went out the window as well, with the result that my net credit card debt went up rather than down last month. This is something that is really starting to worry me and I need to look into why this is.

On the plus side, I have entered some writing competitions. The kind that pay money in prizes. I really enjoyed the writing for these and I'm going to follow up on the writing as an income source because it's fun and if it brings in more money that will help with a lot of other things.

So where am I now? Well I have a lot buzzing around in my head right now. For a start I've had an idea for a novel that I want to follow through, which should keep me occupied for a while. I've also had some money making ideas (not least is a good declutter and ebay attack :)). I've made a commitment to myself by booking (and paying for!!) one personal training session a week from now until the end of August (except for two weeks where the trainer is on holiday). That will get the fitness gig started again.

I'm also working through the flat to get it sorted and figure out what I can sell, give away or otherwise dispose of.

So, I'm slowly dragging myself out of the funk that June had me in and now I'm going to be ready to face the world for July.No weight loss in June either, so that will be back to the front burner in July as well.

Who knows - I might start married life next year healthy, happy and debt free!!!

Poo and other things

Today is the first day since before the weekend that I'm going to the toilet properly. It was all caked up inside me and not moving for the life of me.

 

Now there were probably a few reasons for this. I don't drink as much water when I'm at home. Ma doesn't like me drinking out of a pint glass, which means I use smaller glasses, which means although I drink the same amount of glasses, I drink less water. Less than half in fact.

 

Also, my diet changes when I'm at home. They eat a lot more meat at home than I do –although they say they don't eat as much as they used to, they still eat it every day and I don't do that. Meat is grand, don't get me wrong, but every day means my system isn't prepared for it.

 

Finally, there's always a certain amount of stress involved with being at home. I've figured out that stress affects my tummy more than I'd like to admit, so this could have something to do with the whole thing. All in all, it's a combination of factors really.

 

So what can I do about it? Well what I have been doing subconsciously I suppose. Drink more water, get back to my normal diet and generally get my routine going again.

 

On the exercise front – that's ground to a halt and with my duathlon next week I don't think I'll be breaking any records. On the other hand, if I view it as a nice day out, 2 walks and a cycle, then I'll be ok and get through it. I do need to get my bike in order first though.

 

I've also got a Wii on order. I'm picking it up this evening from tesco – thank God for clubcard vouchers! – and I'm really looking forward to getting that home and getting started on the wii fit. I have a few jobs to tick off my list before I start so it may be a late night tonight. But hey ho, it's not every day I get a computer accessory that claims to revolutionise my life!!!

narcissistic mothers

I'm home for the first visit since the future parents in law met mine.

My mother wasn't here when I got home - she was playing golf, which was a relief cos I got to spend time with my dad in comfort.

Her first words to me were 'how's the exercise going cos it doesn't look as if it's working'.

I said back in february I wasn't going to discuss my weight, size, exercise or whatever with her anymore, so I think this was a ply to get me talking about it. I merely said I was happy with what I was doing and I wasn't going to discuss it with her. She waited until Dad was out of eashot before talking to me like this though. She's pretending worry about my condition - I'm fat, not sick - and all the rest trying to make me feel bad. And she succeeded. But I think I succcessfully managed to hide that fact from her last night and I'm now hiding in my bedroom this morning cos I know as soon as I leave my bedroom she'll magically wake up cos I was making noise and want a 'quiet chat' in an attempt to speak about this whole mess again.

Don't get me wrong - even with the success of my challenge to myself in may, I'm still just a tad under 19stone - overweight by any measure for someone who's 5'5 and not built of muscle. I get that and I'm working towards sorting it out. And I am happy with the steps I'm making.

But I was told to check out this site today and it's like a curtain has been lifted from my eyes. I can see my mother in the majority of what's be written about here. I can also hear her voice in my head 'expaining' why she did all the things she did, and still does, do. I can hear her reasons, her 'love' for me, her 'concern' for me, her guilt trips everything  - they were all her sacrifices for me.........

Amazing isn't it - how could I possibly be so cruel and horrible as to water down her efforts on my behalf? Well what if it wasn't all about her? What if my life, my doings and happenings, my achievements.....what if all that could possibly be about me? what if all her crap wasn't about me, but was about her?  This is the woman who in one breath can berate me for losing so much weight I become a size 14 ( a HUGE success in my opinion!!) while bemoaning the fact that she had to try on a size 12 trousers cos 'the size 10 was very small-sized', and wailing about the fact that she had gained 2lbs since last year at this time.

I am obviously a horrible daughter to force her to suffer like this - imagine the shame of walking down the street with someone as fat and ugly as I am.........

It's a relief to know it's not all in my head, that there are other people out there who have lived through this.

it's a relief to know that the dregs of my sanity are still intact!